DP didn’t communicate

[Str3bor]

Ok so I know this is a really pathetic argument but just wanted an objective opinion!

So my DP and I do not live together and he picks me up for work in the morning when we both go into the office (our offices are not far from each other) unless he needs to be in earlier than me. We are both in the office today. So I text him last night about something unrelated and it was late and he didn’t reply so I just presumed he had fallen asleep. He read my text this morning and I had gotten up and was getting ready for work and text him asking if he was picking me up. He then calls me and asks if I want picking up right now as he was already by mine, I wasn’t ready so said no.

This then proceeded into an argument as i asked why he had left the house and went to work without bothering to tell me he wasn’t picking me up today, he then says doesn’t your phone work either, you didn’t bother to text me earlier and make arrangements with me about me picking you up. I’m not so bothered about the lift, I can get the train easily enough which I do sometimes when he tells me he needs to be in early, it’s just the lack of communication and deflection that had made me mad.

Who is in the wrong or is it both of us? And am i overreacting?

So the issue is that you didn't know he was going in early today, and therefore wouldn't pick you up?

I think it would be preferable for him to have told you in advance he wasn't picking you up today, but sounds like he forgot/thought he already had. And he did tell you early enough that you weren't waiting about, and you had a perfectly acceptable alternative to use, so I can't see it's a big deal either way. He's right that you could equally have checked with him.

What usually happens in the morning? Does he generally turn up at a specific time or do you speak beforehand? If the latter, who generally contacts whom?

And (apologies if I’m being slow) why is last night’s text relevant to any of this?

I think if you’re the one who relies on him for the lift then it’s really on you to make the request for one rather than him to ask if you need one - preferably earlier than the time he would usually be leaving for the office, and with a call not a text.

He’s not wrong though, if you wanted a lift you could have text him.
So much drama over nothing.

So usually I tell him when I’m in the office and he takes me unless he tells me otherwise, he would usually tell me the night before. I would have checked last night but he had fallen asleep, he gets up earlier than me and I hadn’t heard from him at all this morning so text him after I had woke up and gotten out of the shower.

If it was the other way round I would have never of left the house without texting first even to say just so you know I’ve got to be in early today but suppose that’s just me and I shouldn’t judge by my own standards. I know no harm is done, think I think it would have just been considerate to let me know this morning when he was leaving for work.

He's the one doing the favour so the onus is on you to ask/ make arrangements with him.

I used to always get the train and was and still am happy to get the train to work, it’s much easier. It’s him that started this by offering to take me and pick me up and then we have just gotten into this routine.

think I’ll just stick with the train from now on, saves any unnecessary arguments over trivial matters!

This is why I don't get involved in lift shares - the people taking the lift only ever think about the one time they were put out; they don't appreciate that the driver is put out every morning.

Do you ever thank him for the lift? Do you contribute to fuel? Have you ever left him waiting for you in the car because you weren't ready as soon as he arrived?

Unless you are Mary Poppins and practically perfect in every way, I think you're over reacting.

If you knew he'd fallen asleep last night there was no harm in a second text that said "I'm going into the office tomorrow.
Are you able to give me a lift? Let me know when you wake up."

I think it’s less about holding people to “your standards” and more about just not making things more difficult than they have to be. If I sometimes gave somebody a lift and they had sent me a message last thing the night before when I was asleep and had not then, after realising I was asleep, followed that message up with another one to say “oh btw, if you’re planning to leave for the office at 8:00 tomorrow can I have a lift? Let me know either way when you wake up, thanks” then I would also assume that they weren’t in need of a lift. I wouldn’t expect that they were waiting for me to be the one to ask them if they did or not the following morning.

Take out of the equation that he’s your boyfriend and acknowledge what you’d both expect of each other if he were e.g. a colleague giving you a lift.

But yes, if you can’t agree between you what lift arranging protocol is, it’s probably best to travel separately.

Are people really this obtuse in real life or is it just posters in AIBU?

OP’s partner takes her to work unless he has to go in early. If this is what usually happens then it doesn’t make sense that OP would be asking for a lift every night, rather that the partner would be letting OP know when he is going in to the office and therefore can’t take her.

OP you are not being unreasonable.

I mean it’s him that offered to take me on the mornings we both go in and I do actually thank him every morning when I get out of the car.

I don’t contribute to petrol, it’s an electric car so suppose I could offer him some money but he makes the same journey regardless of whether he takes me or not, I meet him on the way so he’s not going out of his way to get me and can’t say I’ve ever left him waiting. I might get there just after he has but I generally get there on time.

Nobody's being obtuse.
OP says she tells him when she's in the office. He doesn't take her every day. She's not always in the office.

you are right I could have done that

@Str3bor I guess it's just one of those things and you'll probably both over-communicate next time!

If you usually tell him the night before that you’re going in/want a lift and didn’t last night, then I’d say you’re in the wrong to be cross. He’s doing you a favour, and it’s not really reasonable to expect him to double check whether you’ve forgotten to tell him you need said favour.

Not sorting things until the night before would stress me out IMMENSELY, personally. Perhaps, on Sundays, you two can discuss and agree for the week? Then you nigh know what’s happening on each day.

He has offered to take me into work the days we are both going into the office and we generally try and go in the same days. Although I don’t go in every day I tell him the days I am in the office and he usually will tell me if he can’t take me on certain days it depends on his diary.

I don’t need a lift to work, I can make my own way and I don’t mind, it’s him that offered to take me.

@Mumsanetta except that's not right. Neither if them are full-time in the office so the OP wouldn't ask every night. We're not obtuse, just literate.

I’m not questioning your literacy.

It does stress me out and I try to get him to plan but he just says I don’t know what I’m doing this week or I’ll let you know, his diary changes all the time with meetings etc

@Str3bor getting a lift from him doesn’t sound worth it. I like certainty so would prefer to get the train and avoid the stress of being beholden to someone who doesn’t know what their doing that week or whose diary changes all the time.

I get what you mean OP, but probably just a case of him thinking you didn't need a lift today as you'd not said. Unless he checks every single day as the norm, and today he didn't, then I'd put it down to a mix up and make sure you plan better in future, as he's the one doing the favour.

To be honest I don’t want to be asking him for a lift, I wouldn’t ask anyone for a lift, I’m perfectly capable of getting myself to work without asking someone to take me, boyfriend, colleague, friend or whatever.

If someone offers to take me then that’s different but I wouldn’t ask anyone for a lift and I don’t need a favour, I take the offer more as an opportunity to see him otherwise I might not see him that day.

Honestly, I’d just forgo the lift and get the train, then. This sounds like more hassle than it’s worth.

How often do you see your boyfriend, aside from these lifts?