Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like my husband anymore

35 replies

Mclovinmum · 07/12/2022 11:26

I don’t like my husband since we became parents

We have a baby 6 months old, he’s a delight on the whole but has his challenges namely reflux and being an awful sleeper, even at 6 months old he’s still waking around 6 times a night probably 3 times a night for comfort and 3 times for feeds (which take around an hour each due to his reflux).

Anyway night time feeds have become solely my responsibility as my husband gets really moody and stroppy if he has to get up. Our son is sick at the moment so he agreed to help last night, before his shift even over he came to get me to feed the baby when I said it’s still his turn he said that his job is stressful and he needs to sleep.

He is always moaning that life’s “boring” now and he never gets anytime for himself. Moaning that it’s “same shit different day”, moaning that baby “always needs something” and that “I can’t watch a film every night any more” For perspective I regularly offer to take baby for full day so he can be away from us both. I resent that he has 2 hours of commuting watching tv on his phone everyday, I’m expected to shower with the baby with me, whereas he gets to workout and shower everyday alone in peace.

He constantly moans and groans that his life is really stressful and he needs the sleep because he’s the one working.

It’s bought out a very ugly side to him that I don’t like and I just feel he’s a bit of an arse really

OP posts:
Gwdihooooo · 07/12/2022 11:40

He sounds like a selfish arse.

xogossipgirlxo · 07/12/2022 11:43

He's a dick 😶

blebbleb · 07/12/2022 11:45

He sounds very moany and selfish. Completely ridiculous to expect life to be the same with a baby. He needs to step up and let you shower in peace and do his fair share of the other stuff.

Sparklfairy · 07/12/2022 11:46

What on earth did he think having a baby was going to be like? Hmm

bozzabollix · 07/12/2022 11:46

I take it he was onboard with having a child, because he should just suck all the bad bits up like the rest of us do. What a twat. He needs to grow up.

NotBadConsidering · 07/12/2022 11:46

I don’t like him and I’ve only known him for 6 paragraphs.

Dittosaw · 07/12/2022 11:47

It’s a stage where you have to feed and the baby doesn’t do much. YANBU but be patient; two years from now he will be out with other parents every weekend, doing lots of activities with the child and things will be better.

Also, set a schedule for night waking and enforce it. Ignoring his tantrums will give you lots of practice for the terrible twos.

StollenAway · 07/12/2022 11:48

NotBadConsidering · 07/12/2022 11:46

I don’t like him and I’ve only known him for 6 paragraphs.

Nailed it.

Yes, things will change and yes as your baby grows up he might find it more interesting but the impression he makes these early months is never going to go away, is it?

Knors · 07/12/2022 11:48

Perfect example of people liking the idea of having children and jumping into it without fully realizing the responsibilities that comes with it.

ChocoFudge · 07/12/2022 11:53

NotBadConsidering · 07/12/2022 11:46

I don’t like him and I’ve only known him for 6 paragraphs.

Agreed.

Natty13 · 07/12/2022 11:56

Tale as old as time I am afraid.

Ask him, if he is stressed working 9-5 (or whatever it is) how does he think you feel working 24/7. Because looking after a small baby is work, and he clearly knows this since he is avoiding doing any of it. If he tells you having the baby is easy let him know in that case you will be going out all of Saturday and he can do all the grunt work, since it is so easy.

Original poster
Mclovinmum · 07/12/2022 11:57

Knors · 07/12/2022 11:48

Perfect example of people liking the idea of having children and jumping into it without fully realizing the responsibilities that comes with it.

I confronted him and said what did you expect as as far as I knew you understood that your life was going to be totally flipped on it’s head, and he just said “don’t patronise me” I have no response to even give him

OP posts:
Original poster
Mclovinmum · 07/12/2022 11:59

Natty13 · 07/12/2022 11:56

Tale as old as time I am afraid.

Ask him, if he is stressed working 9-5 (or whatever it is) how does he think you feel working 24/7. Because looking after a small baby is work, and he clearly knows this since he is avoiding doing any of it. If he tells you having the baby is easy let him know in that case you will be going out all of Saturday and he can do all the grunt work, since it is so easy.

Thank you for this advice I think I will, it’s hard but I love it, and worryingly get the impression he doesn’t even though he says he does

OP posts:
Original poster
Mclovinmum · 07/12/2022 12:01

StollenAway · 07/12/2022 11:48

Nailed it.

Yes, things will change and yes as your baby grows up he might find it more interesting but the impression he makes these early months is never going to go away, is it?

Show quote history

No that impression will never leave me and has certainly put me off anymore with him!

OP posts:
Nordix · 07/12/2022 12:03

@Mclovinmum It’s hard isn’t it. Unfortunately it’s really really really
(really really really really) common for men to do this. You probably never would have guessed he’d be like this before you had the baby.

Maybe he will pick up more slack when you go back after mat leave - you can start planning for that now, how you will share nursery dropoffs, weekend lie ins etc. Maybe he’ll be more
involved when the child is a bit older.

You can try asking him “When do I get a day off? but it might not go well.

Try and remember what it’s like before having a second with him.

Soothsayer1 · 07/12/2022 12:04

he just said “don’t patronise me” I have no response to even give him
I think I would give it a certain amount of time (in my head) for him to step up and start behaving like a decent person but if he continues to treat you with contempt I think it might be time to make a plan.
He should not treat you like this, you should not tolerate it, if you decide to leave get everything arranged and let him come home one day and find you gone, he has lost his family and it's all his fault

Soothsayer1 · 07/12/2022 12:07

I'm not sure I would do the thing of going out all day and leaving him with the baby, the belligerence and contempt that you have described makes me think that he will ensure something bad happens to the baby,
If you ambush him by unexpectedly leaving him with his own child he will be angry and he will have to do something to punish you and make sure that you are too scared to do it again

Soothsayer1 · 07/12/2022 12:12

Maybe he will pick up more slack when you go back after mat leave - you can start planning for that now, how you will share nursery dropoffs, weekend lie ins etc
Having read OPs description of her husband and I find it surprising that you think he will improve, he behaves like a sulky child and treats his wife with contempt he has no concern for her well-being at all.
I think you're being much too optimistic about this man, all he cares about is his own comfort and convenience, he's not a family man is he, being a parent has not made him protective and nurturing, instead he is angry and selfish.

Original poster
Mclovinmum · 07/12/2022 12:25

bozzabollix · 07/12/2022 11:46

I take it he was onboard with having a child, because he should just suck all the bad bits up like the rest of us do. What a twat. He needs to grow up.

Yes completely planned!

OP posts:
Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 07/12/2022 12:31

Ughh he sounds like he has turned out to be a huge disappointment as a father and husband. Im sorry you're going through this. Would his own parents give hima kick up the arse? Or do you have a mutual friend who's a father that might be able to set him straight.... Not that he should need it. What is wrong with these men!!?

LannieDuck · 07/12/2022 12:34

You're not doing him any favours by shielding him from the extra work. His life has got a bit busier... yours has become loads busier, but he doesn't see it because you shield him from as much of the work as you can.

He needs to understand what doing a fair share of the work actually feels like. Yes, he works.... 9/5. But you're on duty 24/7. Why does he think he has the easier deal? Because you haven't let him experience what your side is like.

Parental leave is made for this. Is it too late for him to take a month or two at the end of your mat leave? He needs to experience how hard it is, otherwise he'll forever be resenting the additional (tiny) amount of extra work he's doing.

Why does he get to workout and shower alone in peace every day but you don't? He needs to share that workout time with you - half for him, half for you. You get to shower alone every other day while he rushes around holding the baby, and then you switch so he can shower alone the next day etc.

MmsnetEmailsBroughtMeHere · 19/02/2023 02:26

NotBadConsidering · 07/12/2022 11:46

I don’t like him and I’ve only known him for 6 paragraphs.

Summed it up perfectly.

OP, is there any chance he feels useless and clueless and just has “too much pride” to say these things? I’m not defending him by any stretch but y’know… men.

I personally wouldn’t put up with it and you have to consider your workload. I’m not saying leave him but if you left him tomorrow, Would your workload lessen or would it be the same? Cause I’d rather struggle with the same workload alone than put up with someone like him adding nothing to the mix.
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not you finding out you became a mother the day you signed the dotted lines so to speak.

TomatoSandwiches · 19/02/2023 02:31

I would tell him how much of a disappointment of a father and husband he is and then make a plan to get back to work ASAP.
Do not rely on this man in any way, his actions have told you what he is about, don't forget it.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/02/2023 02:33

I think if you would be honest with yourself, you would admit you've always known he's selfish. Having a baby has just made you cognizant of exactly how selfish he really is.

Deadringer · 19/02/2023 02:40

Something i read on here once and it's absolutely true, some men seem to think that having, and looking after a baby is a sort of hobby of their wife's. Your dh is one of those men op. He sees the baby as your job, your hobby, and your problem.