To not like my husband anymore

[Mclovinmum]

I don’t like my husband since we became parents

We have a baby 6 months old, he’s a delight on the whole but has his challenges namely reflux and being an awful sleeper, even at 6 months old he’s still waking around 6 times a night probably 3 times a night for comfort and 3 times for feeds (which take around an hour each due to his reflux).

Anyway night time feeds have become solely my responsibility as my husband gets really moody and stroppy if he has to get up. Our son is sick at the moment so he agreed to help last night, before his shift even over he came to get me to feed the baby when I said it’s still his turn he said that his job is stressful and he needs to sleep.

He is always moaning that life’s “boring” now and he never gets anytime for himself. Moaning that it’s “same shit different day”, moaning that baby “always needs something” and that “I can’t watch a film every night any more” For perspective I regularly offer to take baby for full day so he can be away from us both. I resent that he has 2 hours of commuting watching tv on his phone everyday, I’m expected to shower with the baby with me, whereas he gets to workout and shower everyday alone in peace.

He constantly moans and groans that his life is really stressful and he needs the sleep because he’s the one working.

It’s bought out a very ugly side to him that I don’t like and I just feel he’s a bit of an arse really

I've been thinking the same thing. Mine is 18m. Can I suggest you having a really serious chat to him asap. I had no issue with getting up at night, but generally he didn't pull his weight and the resentment has really built up. About a month ago I had it out with him (small arguments before then, but no real changes), he's now stepped up alot but tbh I think the damage has been done and I really don't know how to come back from it now. I don't think I ever will. It may have been ok if I had done it earlier.

From a more practical point of view to make a list of all the things you each do and go through it, delegate things to him. If you are feeling like this now it will only get worse so start taking action now.

I’m expected to shower with the baby with me.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. This is such a basic need and such an essential breather and re-set. My SIL is a single mother and friends and family used to keep a rota to stop in and watch the baby for an hour so she could shower, get a little exercise, and do any other personal care in peace. It's like you have the worst parts of being a single mum and yet the baby has a whole other parent.

Do you get ANY time alone?

You need time away from BOTH the baby and your husband, even more than he needs time away from the baby and you. You may not want or be able to manage a chunk of time like he gets but even if you do it in little dribs and drabs, do it. Every day. Schedule it if you have to. He can take it out of his moaning time if he can't find any other slack in his schedule. And don't take the baby back until the schedule says you do.

I'd have and end date in my mind for him to step up or id be ending the relationship. The love and respect would be gone.

Me ne me. FFS. Sorry OP you have 2 kids. One being giant MAN baby 🤦‍♀️

Going to go against the grain here but when I was on mat leave I agreed i would do all night time feeds as DP had to concentrate and drive to and from work, obviously if baby was ill then he would help.

I would go to bed at 8.30ish and DP was in charge until midnight then anything after midnight was my responsibility.

For showers I would shower quickly before DP set off for work or shower with baby in bouncer which wasn’t an issue. For a nice bath I would do this in evening or at weekend.

DP would be hands on as soon as he got in from work.

Could your DP be literally exhausted too? People say awful things and moan when they’re sleep deprived new parents. It’s a really tough time. Maybe he is struggling too and that’s allowed. You need to have so many honest chats and get it all out to get through this period. I have said things I regretted whilst being a sleep deprived new mum.

It gets easier.

Yeah I don’t think you are being unreasonable from what you have written and if you want a bunch of ‘yes women’ I think you’ve got that as all reply’s so far are to that effect.
but if you are after a bit of advice and a different perspective.

there is clearly nothing you or him can do about your life being boring, it is what it is, but it doesn’t have to be boring you can still do lots of things with a child especially at that age. I used to feel like this when we had our child till I realised there is no reason you can’t take the kid that age in a pram, to the pub, to lunch, to the zoo, to loads of things really. They will probably just sleep through most of it but they are pretty immobile so arnt really that much work. I found doing stuff with a mate and his kid quite fun does he have any friends that have children at a similar age?
Being a dad and working full time is completely and utterly underrated. If you are on Mat leave, in our house, you have responsibility for the kid 100% you are at hone and then 50% of the time your partner is at hôme. That’s s lot of baby for anyone but we think that’s fair as you are effectively being paid to be at home and look after the kid. If he had a high powered stressful job that he requires time to destress from to perform - he still will have that. It’s really easy to forget that and while the baby may be the new and shiney thing in your lives he may still require support from you so I would be inclined to make sure he has what he needs. you wouldn’t want him to make a mistake at work and then get fired? Or some I’ll come if it? Although watching a movie a night is completely unrealistic (I don’t know anyone that does that who doesn’t have kids) so perhaps you have a conversation about moderated ways to destress after work. Obviously, and fairly this would be completely reversed if you were the breadwinner. Have you talked about maybe sharing the leave and you going back to work.
that said it’s important that you have time too, we found scheduling time for each of us to have ‘alone’ time was important. So maybe for the weekend or his days off you can be like look I’m gonna take Sunday and Saturday off. And definately give him those nights so you can catch up in sleep.
it’s very easy to resent him for being able to shower alone, but could you explain why you arnt able to shower alone? My partner used to do it when the baby slept? Could you do that?

Yes it’s shit, I don’t blame you at all.

No, unfortunately you won’t forget and wouldn’t be surprised if you feel even more resentment when you later look back on this time.

I don’t have much to offer, apart from don’t have any more DC with him, it will only get worse.

@Openmindedbloke now it’s on OP if her DH makes a mistake at work?! Diddums is bored? Poor thing. While they sit on their arse complaining, OP needs to buck up and offer more support for their emotional unmet needs.

Someone on mat leave isn’t being paid to look after a baby 24/7 while their partner works 8/5. Not to mention recovering from pregnancy, birth and often physical and mental demands of BF on demand.