To think unless you've had a miscarriage or infertility - you have no idea!

[Vwswimmer1]

This is off the back of an earlier thread about telling people when they're TTC. Just that for me it highlighted how in general people have no real empathy for what it's like you've had a miscarriage or suffering infertility.

Obviously not everyone is the same but people should feel able to talk about these things if they want without worrying their SIL is thinking they're over sharing...

I think this is the case for most situations, though. You can have sympathy for someone, but can’t truly understand until you’ve been through something yourself.

People can be sympathetic but not empathetic and I think some people confuse these two terms very easily (although, perhaps not on purpose).

I could sympathise but until it happened to me I was never able to empathise…

Agreed. I found this with the loss of a close loved one-obviously I understood people felt sad and felt sorry for them, but couldn’t empathise or understand that deep sense of loss until it happened to me.

It's hard to understand until you've experienced it. I knew nothing about miscarriage until I had one last week. I didn't understand the sadness it could cause. My friends have all been very sympathetic but I wouldn't expect them to know what I'm going through unless they have had one themselves.

I think suffering from infertility or recurrent miscarriages is different, but I've got to say it's pretty common for women to experience at least one miscarriage in their childbearing years.

I did myself early on, and when I spoke about it was always surprised how many other mums said they had gone through it too.

I only say this because it's worth not assuming that women with children haven't experienced miscarriage.

I was thinking about this in general earlier today. There’s a whole host of things people won’t ever understand

bejng poor if you’ve always been rich
being fat if you’ve always been slim
losing a parent (and as a child vs as an adult, the experiences are different)
being pretty if you are plain
being a different ethnicity
being a different sexual orientation

so many others that can be added. So YANBU but it’s not just infertility related and that’s why we should listen to each other to try our best.

Miscarriages are very common. No one has ever had your exact experience of course, but many of us have been through the same thing. All the more reason to talk about it to avoid a sense of isolation. You are not the only one suffering sadly….

I have never found it true that people who experience something have more empathy - my experience has been that people who aren’t very empathic remain so no matter what their experience.

I also think that what I experience doesn’t really tell me what you experience of similar circumstances and it would be arrogant of me to think otherwise.

I much prefer the support of people who are kind and empathic than the support of people who’ve simply had a similar experience.

I don't think people do understand, but to be honest I would not want people to experience infertility just so that they knew how I felt.

Agree OP I've had four losses now and some of the dumb shit people say is beyond ridiculous - even DH doesn't get it

I agree, although applicable to a lot of things xxx

I only say this because it's worth not assuming that women with children haven't experienced miscarriage.

While this is absolutely true, there's a huge difference between the miscarriage I had (very early, could have been mistaken for a late period) and a miscarriage much further down the line.

I don't know what it's like for many women experiencing miscarriage, despite having one myself.

I've had one naturally conceived miscarriage, a failed IVF cycle, then a miscarriage from the next IVF cycle... And yes, I started not talking/telling friends about it as none of my friends have had anything like this (not assuming this, they all told me they'd never experienced these things).

I think a large proportion of women have had a miscarriage or infertility. A lot of women have experienced it and therefore have a very good idea of what it is like.

My first baby died when I was 20 weeks pregnant and I found, and still do, that most people don’t understand what going through that, and living with it, means, physically or emotionally. However I wouldn’t have had any idea myself had I not been through it so I try not to blame anyone who doesn’t understand or says the “wrong” thing.

It's like this for everything isn't it. I was angry with my sister (who fell pregnant very easily with both her kids) because she said things to me during my 2.5 year infertility plus ectopic pregnancy- like 'oh yes I know exactly how you feel, I was trying for 2 months' - which showed she didn't understand.

But since having my 2 kids (I'm very lucky it worked out in the end), I can appreciate that I was not empathetic with her post-partum struggles including terrible (worse than normal newborn) lack of sleep, and PND. I cringe when i remember telling her how tired and stressed I was after a busy week, when she had a poorly newborn and I was child free. We live and learn!

Yeah I think that's very true actually and maybe I hadn't considered it enough in my original post.

I know before I had my losses I was guilty of asking the wrong things or not understanding fully so I probably just need to bear this in mind when reading things.

I agree. The pain of infertility and permanent childlessness cannot be grasped by someone who hasn’t experienced it

I’ve had one and I felt that it was natures decision amd out of my hands

I didn’t tell a soul

No they don't know. How could they really? There's lots of situations I could never grasp what it's really like. It's not a problem really, that's just life. You learn as you go...sometimes you need people to tell you to help you learn.

I agree OP but I also think you can still never really know how someone else is feeling even if you have experienced these things.
I have had infertility plus 3 miscarriages.
For me the years if infertility were the worst. The first miscarriage (after our first round of ICSI) was the next worst thing as I knew exactly what I would have to go through to have even a remote chance of getting pregnant again. I was jealous of people who had miscarriages following getting pregnant without assistance - all they had to do to get pregnant again was have sex, whereas I would have to have another round of treatment.
My next 2 miscarriages didn’t bother me - I already had a child and I knew 1:5 pregnancies end in miscarriages so I was prepared for the worst when I went for the viability scan at 12 weeks. When a friend found she had a miscarriage at her viability scan I couldn’t understand why she was so upset- she had got pregnant easily and knew about the miscarriage stats. She had never been through the agony of infertility and then the horrors of fertility treatments. But her distress was real, probably because it had all come so easy to her.
What I am trying to say is there are different levels of distress for the same issue depending on people’s situation.
Everyone feels upset and one type of distress does not outweigh another - they are all very real and difficult to that individual.

I've actually had nastier comments from people who've been through it themselves. Mostly people saying things like "you think that's bad, I had to go through X". Some people fail to realise that it's not the misery Olympics; everyone is allowed to feel pain, even if someone else's pain is considered to be 'worse'.

Telling people you’re trying for a baby is basically telling them you’re having more sex. It’s not ‘news’

Absolutely nothing like telling them you’ve lost a baby or are struggling to have a baby.

And I’ve had miscarriages. I still don’t wanna know that people are having more sex than usual at certain times of the month.

I thought I was infertile with my exH as I hadn't even had a hint of a line for 6 years, and told I wasn't ovulating.

With now dh I fell pregnant almost immediately and sailed through it, so my 1st pregnancy was successful.

I fell pregnant again in 2020 and I said to him I will be extremely lucky if I carry to term. As it turned out I had a mmc at 7wks 3days and didn't find out till 11wks.

I then fell pregnant again in Sept 2020 and I was terrified of every single twinge.

But after my miscarriage I found out how many people I was working with that had had one as it seemed no one spoke about it. As it is I still haven't told my mum I had one.

I agree but would add there are people who have not experienced either but are experienced in knowing and working with those who have, who often empathise very well.

There definitely needs to be a safe place where those in the same boat can talk about it.