To think unless you've had a miscarriage or infertility - you have no idea!

[Vwswimmer1]

This is off the back of an earlier thread about telling people when they're TTC. Just that for me it highlighted how in general people have no real empathy for what it's like you've had a miscarriage or suffering infertility.

Obviously not everyone is the same but people should feel able to talk about these things if they want without worrying their SIL is thinking they're over sharing...

Agree OP. I have subfertility, only had one pregnancy since trying for dc2 which ended in miscarriage. I have endo and pcos. The dumb crap people say to me with absolutely no regard for the insensitivity. Recently I've had:
"Wouldn't it be awful if I was pregnant, I'd have to give you my baby because you want one so much"
"You can have my eggs if you want them because I'm not bothered" (no conversation was being had about egg donation, nor would I want to do this)
"Maybe consider yourself lucky that you haven't been able to have more children, two is hard"
"When you're meant to have more children, you will"

I don’t really, I can empathise, but even going through the experience doesn’t make you the same. I’ve been guilty of it with miscarriages. I’ve had so many and very late ones. When I see posts about chemicals and very early miscarriages, it makes me see red for some reason. Now when I have a an early miscarriage, I shrug it off, but forget how I felt when I had the first one. It’s completely relative and you never know how others feel about things - even with the same experience.

Oh totally, when I had three miscarriages in a row when I was 30, my older colleague asked me ‘oh no what did you do? I got pregnant twice in my 40s with no issue’. Oh do fuck off Amanda

I agree that this is the same for all of life’s tragedies. I still have my mum and dad and can’t begin to imagine what’s it’s like to lose a parent despite several friends having experienced it. I hope I’ve been supportive and not said anything stupid in my ignorance.

I also think it’s not always helpful to share experiences of pregnancy loss or fertility struggles unless you’ve gone through something very similar to the other person and they specifically ask. I’ve had 5 mcs and when I’d had one, two or even three I wouldn’t have wanted to hear from anyone who’d had 5 as the idea of going through it again would have made me feel way worse. Sadness and shit fucking luck aren’t contagious but people sometimes feel they are. Who wants to talk about dead babies or no babies at all when someone is desperate beyond belief to conceive. Anyone who wants to share what they’re going through should absolutely be able to. But its okay to not want to as well.

We’re an infertile couple due to my husband. I’ve found it difficult because I don’t know any women who can relate. I don’t even sometimes know whether I have the right to ‘grieve’ the infertility because it’s not ‘because of me’. Sometimes I don’t even have the right words to describe how it feels.