to have sent a sympathy card

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

I have a small business as a mobile catsitter alongside my day job and look after a good work colleague's cats quite regularly. He asked me at short notice to do a job recently, and when I went in the house I noticed sympathy cards on his mantelpiece. I looked at one and realised his mum had died, so I bought a sympathy card and left it in his kitchen. (I had googled his mum and her funeral details came up, and I realised that's where he was when he asked me to pet-sit.) He's paid me and messaged me to say thanks for catsitting, but not mentioned the card, and though that doesn't worry me I'm concerned I've overstepped the mark and embarrassed him. He's currently on compassionate leave but back later this week, and his Mum's funeral is in his work calendar for anyone to see. I don't want to have upset him.

That's awkward, he might think it was a bit snoopy of you to read his cards

You shouldn't have read his cards, obviously. But then you could have heard about his mum from someone else or seen it in his calendar, in which case it would be kind and appropriate to send a card.

Yes that's what I thought, but it's in his work calendar, so I could say I saw it there. I only looked at one! I didn't read them all.

You were kind. He is probably upset. Give his cat an extra cuddle.

I know it came from a good place but I think you over stepped. You read his cards, googled his mum’s funeral arrangements and then left a card that would make it clear you snooped. If he’d wanted you to know or comment he’d have told you. I don’t think he’s embarrassed but he’s clearly a private person.

You were kind, he's probably still dealing with all the emotions of it so didn't say anything.

You are overthinking this. You did a nice thing leaving a card. Poor bloke is dealing with his mother's death, I wouldn't read anything into him not mentioning the card to you. It's not like wedding gifts - there is not a social convention requiring people acknowledge sympathy cards with "thank you for your sympathy card" cards (or is there? I'm not British and the a British approach to the "requirement" to send cards and thank yous for every little thing bemuses me).

For future reference though I wouldn't read cards etc again, hopefully he'll just assume someone at work told you.

He's probably not up to thank for any cards. I don't think he thinks bad of you.

I dont understand why a work colleague wouldn't have mentioned that their Mum died.

If he wanted you to know he would have told you.

I hated it when people found out about my bereavement, commented and put me in the position of either looking rude or saying something back and having a conversation I didn't want with them. I wanted to control that information in my own way, anything else just felt invasive.

It came from a good place, but you really overstepped imo.

I'm not bothered if he doesn't acknowledge it, I don't want thanking. I am more concerned that I went too far and upset or embarrassed him. He did put the funeral in his work calendar so any of us could have seen it.

You’ve done it now, don’t worry about it. You sounds lovely, and to be honest his mum has just died so this will not even be something he thinks about. It will be just another card.

Don't worry about it. It's in his work calendar and he knew you'd be in his house. You did a nice thing. Don't mention it to him but don't feel bad. I'd think it was a nice gesture (as long as you didn't come over to me at work, give me a big hug and ask loudly how I was").

I’ve very recently had a bereavement and personally would have felt touched you had left a card. I’ve appreciated people expressing their sympathy even when they haven’t always said exactly the right thing.

I think it's a nice thing to do. He probably didn't mention the card as then he'd have to have a conversation about his mum, and maybe he didn't feel like talking about it. That doesn't mean he didn't appreciate the thought.

That’s a kind action. Even if he doesn’t mention it, because he feels upset, I’m sure that your card and words will have been appreciated.

Not something I would have done tbh, but it’s done now, and you had the best of intentions, but definitely don’t mention it. If he wants to talk to you about it he would have done/or will do. My DH didn’t tell anyone when his mum died either, straight back to work etc, everyone deals with grief differently.

He should have bigger fish to fry than fussing that you read a card. You were very kind to send a card and look after the cat.
someone grieving their mother should not have room for getting annoyed, don’t worry.

You didn't overstep as it was on his work calendar. It was nice of you to leave the card.

When my father died I felt the opposite of KitchiHuritAngeni. A few of my colleagues knew but didn't tell anyone else why I was off work so I went back to lots of kind enquiries about my health.
I had to tell everyone myself about my bereavement. It would have been easier if they'd already known.

You didn’t overstep the mark. I’ve recently lost my dad and would’ve been quite touched. He doesn’t know that you found out by snooping, you could’ve asked someone, for all he knows. I never had the strength to reply to the ton of cards that I received, other than thanking everyone before I read the eulogy. So you might not hear back..

You snooped. If this was me and i suspected that you snooped i would not have you back. I would worry that someone who would look at my cards would look at other things.

You’ve got a big heart and you did a nice thing but personally I think you did overstep… Some people are quite private so just because you work together doesn’t mean he has to tell you. I think that you acted out of good intentions and shouldn’t worry about this anymore, but I personally wouldn’t of put a card in his kitchen after looking at his diary or seeing other cards. I might of texted or said “Sorry to hear about your parents, thinking of you” instead of a card if I did decide to do something.

It was on his work calendar so presumably people at work would know the reason why he is on compassionate leave. I think you did a kind thing but I wouldn't expect him to acknowledge the card as he is obviously dealing with a lot at the moment. I'm sure he appreciated the thought

🎶🎵You're the queen of overthinkiiiing🎵🎶

This is honestly how I would feel.