to have sent a sympathy card

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

I have a small business as a mobile catsitter alongside my day job and look after a good work colleague's cats quite regularly. He asked me at short notice to do a job recently, and when I went in the house I noticed sympathy cards on his mantelpiece. I looked at one and realised his mum had died, so I bought a sympathy card and left it in his kitchen. (I had googled his mum and her funeral details came up, and I realised that's where he was when he asked me to pet-sit.) He's paid me and messaged me to say thanks for catsitting, but not mentioned the card, and though that doesn't worry me I'm concerned I've overstepped the mark and embarrassed him. He's currently on compassionate leave but back later this week, and his Mum's funeral is in his work calendar for anyone to see. I don't want to have upset him.

No drama, it's kind that you got a card - I don't understand why you think he would mention the card or even give a thank you for the card though?! What's done is done, no problem, leave it now.

Really? Did you miss the mention of the funeral being on his public work calendar and the fact that other colleagues know? How would he think I have 'snooped'? As he's asked me to check his bedroom and bathroom for mice the cats might have dropped in the past, I hardly think reading a sympathy card - which I didn't even have to pick up - qualifies as snooping.

The question was more about whether I'd upset him by sending a card, not 'snooping'.

I think what you did was a lovely gesture, and even if he is slightly upset that wasn't your intention so I don't think you need to worry.

He may not of seen the card at the point of messaging or opened it so not realised it was from you and then perhaps felt awkward messaging again to mention the card. I wouldn't overthink it and I also wouldn't worry about anyone referencing snooping, they were out in the open in his home from what you've said you didn't go routing through all his drawers

Either he won't care and just isn't in the heads pace to thank everyone for a card or he is like wtf you overstepped and snooped what else did you look at.

He's not going to be embarrassed. Why would he be embarrassed.

I can think of a few reasons off the top of my head.

Lots of people like to keep work/home completely separate. They don't want to talk about their parents/personal problems with colleagues.
Some people have difficult relationships with their parents.
They don't want colleagues bringing it up at work and potentially upsetting them.

I think he’s just got other things on his mind.
You didn’t snoop. Only on Mumsnet can an innocuous, kind gesture be twisted into something unsavoury. 🙄

In general, I would agree with you; I'm the same. However, in this case he apparently had put the funeral in his work calendar, so was not keeping it completely private.

You are bang out of order picking up cards on his mantelpiece and reading them. That’s so intrusive. The personal messages in them are nothing to do with you. Why did you think that was at all ok? Do you read other people’s letters too? A bereavement card is such an intensely personal thing to read, too. When you say the funeral is in his work calendar ‘for everyone to see’ is this a wall calendar hanging on the wall if his own private home? Does this mean you are also reading all the appointments on his calendar too? You’d need to get very close to (deliberately) read the appointments.

*of

^ I understand now - a shared outlook calendar at work? That’s a bit different. Thought you meant in his home office or something.

But I still think picking up and reading his card was an intrusive liberty!

I have never acknowledged a sympathy card or had one acknowledged.

@LimeTwists I didn't pick up the cards. I looked at one without picking it up.

Nice gesture, but nobody will acknowledge a bereavement card. Let it be.

@LimeTwists "Do you read other people’s letters too? " Why on earth would you think that? Bit of a stretch to assume that, isn't it?!

It’s not really customary to say ‘thanks for the bereavement card’ tbh.
You did a nice thing, don’t worry any further.

Ignore all the drama llamas. It's nice that you sent him a card and I'm sure he appreciates it. But don't expect him to acknowledge the card. He's bereaved, you've let him know you're sympathetic and that's that.

he’ll not realise you looked at the card but I really think that you were snooping, whether you picked the card up or not. You just shouldn’t read personal cards in someone’s home, that’s not on at all

You were definitely snooping 🧐
Nosey Nora!

Well he's obviously not miffed as he's just messaged me to cat sit again.

Goodness am shocked by these replies! I think it was a lovely thing to do (and have lost both parents so know how I would feel about it). He's not a stranger to you! Not acknowledging his loss would have been odd imo. Sometimes people don't want to talk about it but a card to let him know you were thinking about him and were sorry about the loss of his mother was a good thing to do.