MIL VS DM XMAS

[Changename353]

There's bit of a backstory, and this isn't a MIL issue as she's not doing anything wrong nor abnormal (actually she's being very kind).

Trying to keep it brief:
My mum was a traditional stay at home wife, my dad had a fairly good career until the 2008 recession, his sector nosedived and he unexpectedly died. Not making this a sob story but things were tough, especially for my mum as she had no work experience/qualifications, financial literacy, mental health in tatters, and financially we were screwed as dad had cut back on his life insurance just before he passed. Also I think it's somewhat important to this situation is while I love my dad to pieces he was financial/emotionally abusive to mum. Since I can remember it was drummed into us that we needed to get an education/career for us to be independent. As mum was passionate that we'd never be 'reliant on a man' she was a quite hard, no nonsense, bit of a tiger mum and any whining was answered with 'if you get a good job you can have it/do it'. I started working at 14 and became fairly self reliant.

Fast forward to the present and mum is still struggling financially, not nearly as bad as before but got little disposable income. Us 'kids' have all done fairly well, all independent, good careers, on the property ladder etc and mum is ridiculously proud of us and herself. I'm also really proud of mum and thankful that she installed those morals into us - I can't say i've always felt this way especially as she was somewhat of a dragon!

Now mum is declining in health and she's seemed to have done a 360 in her views (before she's broken up with a few men who've mollycuddled their adult kids).

Small things like I've always picked up the bill if we've eaten out and before she was proud that I could afford to do it (my siblings do the same). We went out to eat with my in-laws and they kicked up bit of fuss with us picking up the bill. It's now caused mum to snowball that she should have done things differently and generally feels like a failure for toughing us up. It's heartbreaking and it doesn't matter how much reassurance we give us she's stuck in this hole.

However, MIL is the complete opposite which I know just comes from kindness but does feel suffocating. She's always offering us money, buying us gifts/things for the house, still does BIL laundry/cleaning, wanting to know our financial situation etc. Our dishwasher is broken, we're happy hand washing as we didn't really use it and MIL caused another fuss in front of mum with insisting to buy us a new one (we did manage to reject the offer in the end as i'm really uncomfortable for accepting money) but just another thing to make mum feel like crap. It's not necessarily MILs actions but comments like 'I remember what it was like setting up home, we couldn't have done it without our parents...'

IL's has very kindly offered to host us (including mum) for Xmas and I know it's just going to make mum feel worse. MIL is always no expense spared and that includes gifts. I reckon she'll spend £150+ on gifts just for me, and probably at least £400 each for DP/BIL/SIL.

MIL is just generally rubbing salt into mum's wound at the moment and it's heartbreaking to witness. Is there anyway I can try to mitigate this or is the only approach is hoping that reassuring mum is enough? I have tried keeping them apart but MIL being oblivious is going over my head to organise these things.

In your situation I would have a quiet word with MIL and tell her what you have said here.

I am a MIL and I would be mortified if my good intentions were causing issues like this. Suggest that if she wants to treat you then would she mind not mentioning it if your mum is around as she feels upset that she can't do the same. I am sure she will understand.

With regard to Xmas gifts that is a little more difficult. It is hard to tell someone not to buy nice (expensive) things for their loved ones if they can afford to do so. Maybe swap gifts before the big day?

We have a similar dynamic to manage.
We swap gifts on a different occasion and make the day all about games and meals. You can say it's to help your mum feel more comfortable as her budget is so much more modest.

Your MiL will have no idea the impact she's having. You could maybe polish a couple of light responses to the thoughtless comments-
Yes, it's lovely to be able to help your children. Such a privilege! Mum did a sterling job keeping body and soul together for us, didn't you mum? Times were hard, but you really kept us on track, didn't you?

Is your MIL aware of the situation?

If not, then I think you should explain to her in a way that doesn't break your mums confidence but makes it clear how her actions (though well intentioned) might be perceived. She might well be horrified if she knew how it made your DM feel.

Mdo either of your siblings want to host your Mom? Not in a dumping her off kind of way, but more in a somewhere she'll feel happier kind of way?

I’m not really clear on what your mum is upset about?

I thought initially it was that she’s not as well off and able to “treat” or help you out in the way that your in-laws do.

But on re-reading, you say that she feels like a failure for toughing us up and has done a complete 360 - on her views of you paying bills for meals out and generally being financially independent?

I also don’t really get the 360 (180?) about the bill thing. What does toughening you up have to do with paying the bill? Who did she expect to pay?

MIL is just generally rubbing salt into mum's wound at the moment and it's heartbreaking to witness.
Your MIL is allowed to be her own person. To me rubbing salt in the wound is a purposeful act but I’m not getting what your MIL is doing to purposely upset your mum? Treating her own family at Christmas? She’s already being gracious by inviting your mother to Christmas imo.

Your mother is an adult and you do not have to, indeed best not to, monitor or manage her feelings in relation to other people. She needs to deal with this herself. If she would be uncomfortable spending Christmas with your PILs. she has the opton to turn the invite down. You are not responsible for her emotional reactions, and should not be trying to protect her from herself. If she has serious issues you can help her find a therapist, perhaps but that is as far as it should go. I don't think you should be talking to MIL to get her to change in order to accommodate your DM.

I might be wrong, but I've read this to mean that after her husband's death, OP's mum instilled in all her children that they must be financially dependent to the extent where she (DM) didn't treat them growing up. Now she is older, she regrets being so 'tough' but doesn't have the resources to pay for things for them now, whereas MIL does. Nothing wrong with that, but she does it in front of DM, which makes her feel bad.

Have I got that right @Changename353 ?

Have a word with MIL. She is not doing anything wrong by offering you things and paying for things, it's kind and something they obviously want to do. But if you let her know that you think it's knocking your Mum because she can't do the same, it will make them aware to not do it in front of your Mum. I personally think your Mum would be better accepting that just because she is not in that position it doesn't mean that everyone else isn't too. She's taking it personally when it's nothing personal.

I think your DM needs to get a grip. If she's feeling guilty about her past parenting that's her problem to deal with. You need to stop pandering to her victim act.

I think that your MIL has strong opinions that she is unnecessarily verbalising in front of your mother. She has not considered that things might have been different for your mother. If your MIL knows that your dad passed away when you were young, she ought to know (or at least consider the possibility) that your mother didn't have the money to treat you and to smooth the way financially, the way your MIL could for her children. So I am not as sympathetic to your MIL as some here. However it's probably not intentional that she is hurting your mum. She's probably just being thoughtless and overly outspoken.

I would not share with your MIL that your mum was abused by your dad. That is very sensitive information that your mum might not want others to know. In addition, although one would hope that knowing this information would make your MIL quiet down a bit with her hurtful opinions, it's also possible that she would become judgy about your mum and make your mum feel worse. Once you give out information you can never take it back so I would be very careful about disclosing something so sensitive.

I agree with the others and just have a nice quiet word with your mil explaining. She’s not doing anything wrong and I’m sure would be upset to know she was causing hurt so would prefer to know.

Is this restricted to your MIL's spending and treating, or does your mum feel similarly upset when she sees friends or other members of your family treating their loved ones?

I think any conversation with MIL about modulating her kindness on a day she is hosting will not go down well.

Maybe if she does make references to buying things for DC you could say how grateful you are and also grateful to your DM for teaching you the value of independence or something like that.

I tend to agree with the 2nd paragraph.

This is the way your MiL has always been, yes? It's not like she's suddenly splashing cash and being helpful with the intent of hurting your mum or trying to appear 'superior'. I don't think she needs to change or be 'spoken to'. It will only make her feel bad or guilty for doing what she's always done.

I think it would be better to speak to your mum and let her know how much you appreciated your upbringing and the strength and independence she instilled in you. Let her know that she has taught you valuable life lessons and that you are forever grateful and that it's made you and your siblings the successes you are today. That parents raise their children differently, according to what they believe is important and no one way is 'better' than than another as long as the children grow up to be good human beings, good partners, and good parents themselves.

Could you tell your MIL how proud you are of your mum and how hard she has worked for you. That she doesn’t have the same financial level of your MIL but that’s because of all the happened. Continue to say that she feels a little uneasy but be that you know that your MIL will make your mum feel welcome.

My DDs MIL is pretty well off and very generous, however I don't get upset when she gives my D and GCs more than I can afford. They all know that my DH and I aren't in the same league when it comes to income.

Are you saying your MIL can't treat her family because it upsets your mother? Your mother is an adult so why should all the other adults tip-toe round her "needs" she should be happy for you that you have someone else in your life that likes to treat you. MIL should not have to moderate her behaviour towards her own son because it upsets YOUR mother (so selfish) of your mother

You can't expect your MIL to change who she is b/c of your mother's emotions. Your mom may well benefit from some therapy to help her heal from the abuse she went through.

It would be one thing if your MIL was deliberately trying to goad your mother, but from the sounds of things, your MIL has always been generous financially. It's who she is, how she shows support and caring. Asking her to change to accommodate your mother is both unreasonable and unfair.

"However, MIL is the complete opposite which I know just comes from kindness but does feel suffocating. She's always offering us money, buying us gifts/things for the house, still does BIL laundry/cleaning, wanting to know our financial situation etc. Our dishwasher is broken, we're happy hand washing as we didn't really use it and MIL caused another fuss in front of mum with insisting to buy us a new one"

It sounds as though your MIL doesn't respect you as adults. I'd be having a word with her in private, I'd feel and I know my adult DDs would feel belittled, as well.

I love how even though the MIL has done literally nothing wrong you've still managed to demonise her right here.
Literally just hating on a MIL for no reason other than being a MIL.
It would be different if it was the other way round. Then it would be MIL needs to get over it. 🙄

If I was this MIL I'd definitely want to know if my open generosity was causing problems. I help my kids when I can, but to be honest, I wouldn't dream of making such offers in front of the other parent/s. I am very careful about how and when I offer help to my DD and son in law, and I absolutely wouldn't do it with an audience. Fortunately I don't spend Christmas with my DD's in-laws (and I suspect that actually they're better off than me anyway), but if there was a clear disparity in incomes I would find ways to give gifts when they weren't present.

If MIL is as lovely as you say, without including the background to why your mum is in the position she is, I'd definitely have a chat with her about how hard your mum finds it that she can't help you like she can. Hopefully that conversation might then develop into one where you can both talk about how the potential hurt can be mitigated.

This, what a DREADFUL MIL being kind and generous clearly only doing this to 'rub salt in your mum's wounds' I really had sympathy up until this point!

some of your phrasing is a little bit off - sorry I don't want to be pedantic but it makes it a bit confusing - e.g. if your mum has done a 360 then that means she changed her mind but is now back to her original way of thinking? Whereas the rest of the post suggests this isn't the case

Same with your MIL rubbing salt into the wound - I always understood that to be a deliberate act, but nothing you've said suggests your MIL has deliberately done anything to upset your mum, or even that she disagrees with (or even knows about) your mum's parenting choices? You can't tell your MIL how to parent her own kids, what not to buy them for christmas just in case she inadvertently offends someone she's already been very kind to invite!

To paraphrase eleanor roosevelt, the only one who can make your mum feel inferior is herself. If she still maintained her way of parenting was the correct one, then she shouldn't care less about how MIL parents her own kids, she can just sit there quietly and either think 'to each their own/everyone's different,' or judge inwardly (or slag MIL off anonymously on gransnet!). If she's now reconsidering her parenting presumably she would be doing that with or without MIL being around - she would have witnessed her friends doing things differently all your life, you say she's criticised her ex-partners for the way they brought their kids up etc. so she's clearly aware that not everybody follows/ed the same parenting style as her. Plus if she does want to change she can always do so, just because she brought you up one way doesn't mean she can't now offer to, for example, alternate who pays when you go out etc.

Feel free to have another chat with her and reassure her you don't hold anything against her if it's something she's worried about but I would keep it completely separate from MIL and any obvious comparisons - even if she brings it up say "well everyone's different, you do X, MIL does Y, Aunty Jane did Z, we are all happy adults now so what does it matter?'

Same in my family tbh.

My DPs are poor but all our family are so I don't think it's ever really been noticeable. Until I met DH, who has a pretty MC if not wealthy family.

It's tough. But ultimately I told my DPs that my ILs were loaded, they go mad, eat them out of house and home and enjoy yourself 😂 and luckily they did. My ILs understood and didn't show off too much.

My ILs like to be fancy, they understand we can't be as fancy as them, so we go to theirs with our £20 bottle of wine and we drink 10 of their £50 bottles. Lovely.