MIL VS DM XMAS

[Changename353]

There's bit of a backstory, and this isn't a MIL issue as she's not doing anything wrong nor abnormal (actually she's being very kind).

Trying to keep it brief:
My mum was a traditional stay at home wife, my dad had a fairly good career until the 2008 recession, his sector nosedived and he unexpectedly died. Not making this a sob story but things were tough, especially for my mum as she had no work experience/qualifications, financial literacy, mental health in tatters, and financially we were screwed as dad had cut back on his life insurance just before he passed. Also I think it's somewhat important to this situation is while I love my dad to pieces he was financial/emotionally abusive to mum. Since I can remember it was drummed into us that we needed to get an education/career for us to be independent. As mum was passionate that we'd never be 'reliant on a man' she was a quite hard, no nonsense, bit of a tiger mum and any whining was answered with 'if you get a good job you can have it/do it'. I started working at 14 and became fairly self reliant.

Fast forward to the present and mum is still struggling financially, not nearly as bad as before but got little disposable income. Us 'kids' have all done fairly well, all independent, good careers, on the property ladder etc and mum is ridiculously proud of us and herself. I'm also really proud of mum and thankful that she installed those morals into us - I can't say i've always felt this way especially as she was somewhat of a dragon!

Now mum is declining in health and she's seemed to have done a 360 in her views (before she's broken up with a few men who've mollycuddled their adult kids).

Small things like I've always picked up the bill if we've eaten out and before she was proud that I could afford to do it (my siblings do the same). We went out to eat with my in-laws and they kicked up bit of fuss with us picking up the bill. It's now caused mum to snowball that she should have done things differently and generally feels like a failure for toughing us up. It's heartbreaking and it doesn't matter how much reassurance we give us she's stuck in this hole.

However, MIL is the complete opposite which I know just comes from kindness but does feel suffocating. She's always offering us money, buying us gifts/things for the house, still does BIL laundry/cleaning, wanting to know our financial situation etc. Our dishwasher is broken, we're happy hand washing as we didn't really use it and MIL caused another fuss in front of mum with insisting to buy us a new one (we did manage to reject the offer in the end as i'm really uncomfortable for accepting money) but just another thing to make mum feel like crap. It's not necessarily MILs actions but comments like 'I remember what it was like setting up home, we couldn't have done it without our parents...'

IL's has very kindly offered to host us (including mum) for Xmas and I know it's just going to make mum feel worse. MIL is always no expense spared and that includes gifts. I reckon she'll spend £150+ on gifts just for me, and probably at least £400 each for DP/BIL/SIL.

MIL is just generally rubbing salt into mum's wound at the moment and it's heartbreaking to witness. Is there anyway I can try to mitigate this or is the only approach is hoping that reassuring mum is enough? I have tried keeping them apart but MIL being oblivious is going over my head to organise these things.

Your mil is just being normal and kind. You are overthinking this. Just go on Christmas with your mum and have a lovely day.

Your mother needs to get over herself. It's nothing to do with your mother in law what your family financial situation was when you were growing up ... and your mother in law isn't responsible for how your mother feels about it now. It's up to your mother to control her own emotions, and if she can't, get professional help to do so.

There is no way on Earth I would be telling my mother in law not to do something nice for her family because it makes my mother feel bad. When my mother in law was alive, my in laws were considerably wealthier than my mother - they had nice holidays, owned property, cars etc...everything my mother didn't/doesn't have. My mother would make bitchy remarks about it constantly...she only stopped when my poor late mother in law was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It did make me think less of my mother, if I'm honest.

Unless you think your mother in law is doing all she does deliberately, to upset your mother, you say nothing.

100% agree with @sianiboo and @maddy68 .

You do not control your MiL or what she does with her money and who she treats or doesn't. Your mother needs to square off in her mind what her husband did to her and how she now deals with the fall out from that financial abuse over the years.

We had similar. We avoid the present opening, doing this at another time and instead organised a secret Santa type thing to share presents.

We all had a stocking labelled up, host added trinkets, sweets and fruit. Prior we all drew names and bought a gift for one stocking, up to £10.00.

Opening the stockings together has become quite a tradition and saves any embarrassment.

some of your phrasing is a little bit off - sorry I don't want to be pedantic but it makes it a bit confusing - e.g. if your mum has done a 360 then that means she changed her mind but is now back to her original way of thinking? Whereas the rest of the post suggests this isn't the case

I think I understand it possibly @latetothefisting the DM has always said 'stand on your own feet, don't expect to be treated' but then did a 180 when her kids were treating her and happy with that, now it's the MIL treating the op and family it's 180 again (so 360) back to the, you shouldn't accept treats and gifts?

If so, that's dreadful so I hope not!

You Mum is in declining health and struggling financially. All her children have good careers and doing well for themselves. I think you should be talking with your siblings to see what more you could be doing to help her out.

Evening all, I'm not going to tag individually as there's a lot of similar (valid) points. Sorry for my OP being bit of a ramble mess as there's a lot going on and I kept coming/going from the post.

I can't say I financially support mum, as between myself and my siblings we share a slight amount of mum's financial burdens. Also Mum won't accept hard cash off us so we find other ways to support her (i.e. her kettle broke this week so I replaced it - not exactly breaking my bank). Before MIL was on the scene she was proud of us (as in siblings) for being in the position to help out (always ensuring that we could afford to) but now is feeling guilty.

I guess with MIL (I used her causing a fuss over us picking up the recent restaurant bill/new dishwasher as an example) has made Mum feel somewhat shit that not only is she not helping us, that we're helping her. The same day as MIL kept on about buying us a dishwasher she brought over a shopping bag of food/toiletries with a comment about as a mum she won't stop being a mum. We're both over the UK average salary, without kids and if we wanted a new dishwasher we'd just buy one... I know it's MIL way of showing us that she cares/loves us and she cannot go an hour without offering to pay/buy something.

Mum isn't a jealous person but there's something about MIL babying us that has struck a cord with her. Thinking about it, the way that MIL treats me/DP is the way that I treat her and she's got it in her head that she's failed. It wouldn't have been my idea for all of us to spend Xmas together but MIL organised it and there's no way to get out of it.

the 360 comment should have been 180. Mum has gone from believing that we should all be self sufficient and the goals of being a successful parent is for children to become fully independent adults at 18 to feeling like she's failed us for making us grow up too quickly as teens.

Glad not what I'd assumed! @Changename353 can your mum not separate herself from your ILs?
What they do shouldn't matter to her!

I don’t think MIL is running salt in the wound, I think your DM is a bit sensitive, tbh. You sound quite sensitive about it all yourself.

Why are you all hanging out so often that your DM is able to see what MIL says and does for you?

I think your DM needs to get over it or just not come. She raised you how she raised you, what's done is done.
Why should anyone tiptoe around her because she has the guilts?
Your DM feeling are her responsibility.
You can tell her that you love her and think that she did a good job, but leave MIL out of it.

Hi OP

It sounds like your mum has got stuck in a thought process she can't get out of.

I think you need to do a few things:

Get your husband to ask his parents to stop being so generous infront of your mum, do it kindly as it's clearly coming from a place of love but tell them its embarrassing her as she feels bad she can't do the same. So no offering gifts, agree beforehand who will pick up the tab etc. I dont think they are rubbing salt into the wound unless they arent actually generous and it's all for show (which it doesnt sound is the case).

Sit your mum down and explain that you love her, you appreciate your childhood so much and you wouldnt be the person you were today without it. But ask her to please stop talking in the way she has been doing as it's making you upset that she doesn't believe you

Agree to do christmas but no gifts or exchange gifts with your parents in law before your mum gets there and then put them away, tell them her budget is a lot less and she is worried about accepting if she thinks there will be an expectation of presents.

It sounds like everyone is kind and appreciates each other so I'm sure you'll work it out

Out of interest who did your mum think would be picking up the bill at the restaurant and what difference was it to her whether it was you or your in-laws, as it's evident your mother was not paying either way?

I think suggestions that you ask you in-laws to modify their behaviour, stop being their natural selves and have them tiptoe around your mother are unnecessary.
They've been kind enough to invite your mum for Christmas and now people are suggesting they even get told if, when and how they can exchange gifts. Talk about putting a downer on the day before it's even happened!

You're using some quite unpleasant language about your MIL - babying us, suffocating, rubbing salt in the wound, causing a fuss over a restaurant bill - and it's making you sound as over sensitive about money as your mother. Your MIL has done absolutely nothing wrong here.

If your mum is feeling like she failed, that is your mum's issue to work through.

Reading your update OP I think that perhaps your mum feels embarrassed that she hasn't/is unable to spoil you in the way your MIL has/can?

That isn't your MIL fault, but I do find it slightly odd that your mum would be present whilst MIL makes comments about big financial contributions she has made towards you e.g. the dishwasher. Even without the context of your mum, that seems slightly awkward and inappropate to me.

Could you tell your mum how proud you are if her and point out how successful you are as a result of her choices

Your mil doesn't want her brood to grow up.

I'd explain to your mum that you appreciate your MIL's generosity, but that you are really glad to be in a position where it's a 'nice extra' and not something you rely on, and that's because of the values she instilled in you. There's nothing to be gained by attaching any negativity to your MIL's actions.

As an aside, is there a chance that your MIL is trying to gift you money and appliances etc to keep her estate at a minimum to reduce inheritance tax? Known in my IL's family as 'We'd rather see you spend it while we're here' money as recommended by their financial adviser.

I think you need to stop bringing your mum over when mil is around & stop talking about your mil to your mum. It’s the mixing of families that’s causing this problem & I know you intend to be kind but your Mum’s MH issues won’t allow it. As for your mil - in my experience she is the normal one. I wouldn’t want her to change her loving nature just to please someone who has regrets over their past.

I think when mixed groups of families spend Christmas together there should be a chat beforehand about gifts

Your MIl needs to be aware that hugely expensive gifts will enbarass your mum.

I have been at xmas days where gifts were not balanced and it spoilt it for those who had less to give.

Its actually not generous to leave people feeling awkward because you are giving them much more than they are giving you

You need a proper chat with your MIl

It wouldn't have been my idea for all of us to spend Xmas together but MIL organised it and there's no way to get out of it.

Why is she making plans for your DM?