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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him to stop...

49 replies

whooshanditsgone · 06/12/2022 14:49

...Prioritising his parents.

I just really need to get this off my chest and gain some perspective.

My DH and his siblings take turns in staying overnight with their parents. All siblings have their own respective families and live around 30-40 mins away.

Now my issue is that my DH and one other sibling pick up the lion’s share of these overnight stays.

I feel it’s unfair that my DH has to always fill in for his other siblings and ends up doing 3 nights a week as opposed to the 1 night the others do. I am worried for his well-being as it means a lot of driving for him (he has a long commute to work) so he is often very tired in the evening when he sets off to his parents. I worry that he’s going to make himself ill or even pass out at the wheel.

I am also secretly resentful towards him for not giving me and our young DD much time. I feel that we are secondary to him.

I have expressed my thoughts about this to him but he is the non confrontational type so while he acknowledges the unfairness, he hasn’t broached the subject with his family.

To be honest I’m finding it increasingly difficult to hide my resentment and it’s coming off as passive aggressive which I’m not proud of.

For context, he is a great person in every other way and I also have a great relationship with all of my in laws and their families.

I appreciate that the PIL are elderly and need the support, which I have no issues with but I can’t stop feeling like it’s at our expense and nobody cares.

I don’t want to cause any family turmoil and jeopardise my relationships over this but I need ideas on what I can do to get everyone to notice how unfair this is.

Alternatively if I am being unreasonable how can I accept the situation with good grace?

Thanks

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 06/12/2022 14:50

Why do they need over night carers?

have the LA been informed they have care needs?

DailyMailHater · 06/12/2022 14:51

Why do they need someone to stay over every night? And why is your DH having to do 3 nights a week compared to the others?
what would happen if he said no to the extra nights and just did his 1 night?

TightPants · 06/12/2022 14:52

What do they need help with OP?
Sounds as if they may need a social care assessment.

Stompythedinosaur · 06/12/2022 14:55

I think a lot depends on context. If his parents would be unsafe without overnight care I can understand why he'd feel he has to be there, but something needs to be done as it seems untenable to continue forever. He's basically away half the week!

Original poster
whooshanditsgone · 06/12/2022 14:56

They need care with taking to the toilets, feeding and generally keeping an eye on them in case they trip or fall (which has happened previously).

They have been assessed by the social workers and while there's carers throughout the day, no overnight care has been provided so the siblings took it up themselves to fill the gap.

In response to PP - if he declines to stay then the other sibling (who also does an unfair amount) steps in. My DH and this sibling have an unspoken understanding where they look out for each other so neither is burdened too much.

OP posts:
123woop · 06/12/2022 14:59

Are there any older nieces or nephews who could step in? My aunty and cousin used to share staying at my grandmas house (she wasn't as frail and didn't need care, it was more to make sure she was eating a couple of proper cooked meals a week rather than a piece of toast which she'd have if she was on her own!)
I also used to go from being about 14 but it depends on the level of care required I guess

girlmom21 · 06/12/2022 15:01

It sounds like it's time for his parents to consider a care home.

Quitelikeit · 06/12/2022 15:04

If there is no overnight care provided by the LA is this because the LA think it’s not necessary?

you need to contact them and tell them about the falls etc and advise that the extended family does not wish to take on this level of responsibility

you will have to be insistent, you will have to be blunt as otherwise the LA will not be forthcoming at all!

is a residential home an option or is there an element of trying to protect the inheritance?

Hankunamatata · 06/12/2022 15:04

I'd look at the cost of hiring overnight carer and splitting the bill between siblings.

Quitelikeit · 06/12/2022 15:04

How many siblings is there?

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 06/12/2022 15:05

Sorry but maybe it's best they went into a care home - OR they moved in with someone?

Your DH and sibling will end up burnt out/

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/12/2022 15:09

Get a commode?

It's not sustainable to stay every night and if they do the care, SS won't. I don't blame the slack sibling because someone was always going to fall by the wayside.

You need a better solution.

pinneddownbytabbies · 06/12/2022 15:10

Seems that what is needed is a carer to come in the evening to do their bedtimes.

There are two of them, so if one of them has a mishap during the night, then surely the other one can ring for help. If they really can't cope with being left overnight, then social services need to come out and assess them again. Either that, or it is time to consider a care home. Family should not feel forced into providing this sort of care, especially if it is having a negative impact on their own lives and families.

lunar1 · 06/12/2022 15:16

How many siblings are there?

Original poster
whooshanditsgone · 06/12/2022 15:21

Sadly despite aids and adaptations around the house, both are too unwell to be left alone or even keep an eye on each other.

Re care home- it's a bit of a cultural thing, it is frowned upon (stupid I know). It's also a bit of protecting inheritance by the "slack siblings" for lack of a better term sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
whooshanditsgone · 06/12/2022 15:24

Hankunamatata · 06/12/2022 15:04

I'd look at the cost of hiring overnight carer and splitting the bill between siblings.

I've suggested this before but nobody seems interested. The parents can even fund it themselves, they're not exactly struggling.

OP posts:
pinneddownbytabbies · 06/12/2022 15:27

If they are too unwell to be left alone then they need nursing care 24/7. Speak to social services.

Cultural or not, please don't let your DH and sibling be browbeaten into doing this by the siblings who don't step up.

bandage · 06/12/2022 15:28

Well if they can afford a cater and aren't struggling, then your DH and siblings need to step back.

They have no choice then. Cultural or not, nothings going to change unless people start stepping back. So your DH either puts up with it and burns out, or doesn't, and takes a step back. Take the choice away from them.

B00B · 06/12/2022 15:31

How many siblings are there? What does your DH feel about it? Does he want to keep staying over and helping them? It's tricky, as there will come a time when he can no longer do that, so could he be doing it now while he can?

KatyClair · 06/12/2022 15:31

whooshanditsgone · 06/12/2022 15:24

I've suggested this before but nobody seems interested. The parents can even fund it themselves, they're not exactly struggling.

Show quote history

You need to tell your DH you are unhappy and it isn’t fair. He is prioritising their needs over yours when overnight care would be the easiest solution. Sit him down and tell him how unhappy you are.
I would be fuming about this.. how long will it last? What if they live another ten years?!

Teadrinkingmumofone · 06/12/2022 15:34

Something will have to give, this is not workable long term surely. Either the other siblings need to step in or the parents need to pay for the help they need. If they're mentally aware of what's what I'd say it's pretty selfish to be asking this much of their children.

Toomanysleepycats · 06/12/2022 15:35

How are the turns organised? Are there any siblings who could do more than one night at a time.

Perhaps it’s now time to get the whole thing more organised. Chase up the LA, organise a kitty paid by all for ad hoc expenses, maybe split petrol costs if some family live further away than others and in amongst this all, sort out an organised rota that gets written down. Perhaps your Dh and the other sibling could then unite to tell the skivers that they have to make up days. Jan 1st is a good time for new rules.

My Dh takes turns with siblings to look after his mum. But I know it’s the sister who always does the most amongst all her brothers.

Quitelikeit · 06/12/2022 15:46

I would get DH to start a WhatsApp group and come up with a rota as quite frankly this is ridiculous

if they don’t want to do their fair share then he needs to be firm and say he isn’t doing 40pc of the share a week!

Bookworm20 · 06/12/2022 16:05

Depending on where they live, I have heard of student doctors/nurses who are studying at nearby hospitals doing overnight or daytime care (depending on their shifts) for elderly people in exchange for free/very cheap accommodation. Do they have a spare room? If its a case of just making sure someone is in the hosue who can help, as opposed to doing a 12 hour shift requiring them to be awake, could this be an option? Even if it covers half the week?

I've heard it can work really well as elderly people have someone there, who is medically trained (albeit being trained at that moment) for the portion of the day/night needed in case they need anything and the student doctor gets free or very affordable accommodation whilst they are completing their training in exchange for this help.

Pipsquiggle · 06/12/2022 16:07

He has a sibling problem.

They all either need to do their fair share or get a carer in or go to a care home.
It sounds like a precarious scenario if they can't go to the toilet by themselves, take medication themselves or feed themselves.

Your current situation is unsustainable. Something has to change