To ask him to stop...

[whooshanditsgone]

...Prioritising his parents.

I just really need to get this off my chest and gain some perspective.

My DH and his siblings take turns in staying overnight with their parents. All siblings have their own respective families and live around 30-40 mins away.

Now my issue is that my DH and one other sibling pick up the lion’s share of these overnight stays.

I feel it’s unfair that my DH has to always fill in for his other siblings and ends up doing 3 nights a week as opposed to the 1 night the others do. I am worried for his well-being as it means a lot of driving for him (he has a long commute to work) so he is often very tired in the evening when he sets off to his parents. I worry that he’s going to make himself ill or even pass out at the wheel.

I am also secretly resentful towards him for not giving me and our young DD much time. I feel that we are secondary to him.

I have expressed my thoughts about this to him but he is the non confrontational type so while he acknowledges the unfairness, he hasn’t broached the subject with his family.

To be honest I’m finding it increasingly difficult to hide my resentment and it’s coming off as passive aggressive which I’m not proud of.

For context, he is a great person in every other way and I also have a great relationship with all of my in laws and their families.

I appreciate that the PIL are elderly and need the support, which I have no issues with but I can’t stop feeling like it’s at our expense and nobody cares.

I don’t want to cause any family turmoil and jeopardise my relationships over this but I need ideas on what I can do to get everyone to notice how unfair this is.

Alternatively if I am being unreasonable how can I accept the situation with good grace?

Thanks

Is DP Indian/Asian op? If so this is trickier imo.

Yes PP we are Asian background.

While I feel disgruntled towards his siblings and parents, I can't help but feel cross with my DH and not them.

DH is old enough to be able to determine wrong from right and should take steps himself to ensure the fairness. I find that instead by simply complying all of the time, he is just enabling all of the entitled behaviour from everyone else.

Yes he is a victim but he is also allowing the situation to continue. I'm so aggrieved by all of it. The more I write the more cross I get with him grrrrrrr <deep breath> <deep breath>

But how many siblings are there.... You've been asked several times

Get a live-in carer who can be there 24/7. It's cheaper than a care home or shift care for 2 people and will alleviate any stress on the familly.

You daughter needs her father there and is not doing himself any favours. Step back.

How many siblings? If 4 for example, they can all do 1 night a week and split the costs of an overnight carer 3 days.
If a sibling let’s them down they pay for the overtime of the carer to cover so the siblings aren’t affected.

DH needs to manage this with his family, telling them that he is unable to cover their missed days and that to ensure continuity this is the best way. If they’d all rather not then that’s fine, but he is unable to commit to covering them!

Perfectly fair and very reasonable!

I would have a serious think about what you want.

For example, if dh is spending 3 nights per week over the next 10 years, how will you feel?

You need to work out where your boundary lies. If your dh wants to carry on with this arrangement (and it is his choice and not the fault of those siblings who do less than him) then it doesn't matter if PiL can afford care.

The boundary needs to be clear and you have to be prepared to implement it. For example, I am happy for you to offer one night's care for your parents. If you do more than that, our marriage will be over.

If you cannot draw that line and then stick to it, then you need to suck up the current arrangement. I know I couldn't.

For those saying it can't be so bad if the LA won't provide overnight care - LA's don't provide over night care. People requiring over night care tip into the nursing care category.

OP I'm with you and you have a DP problem. You will either have to put up or make your DH's life uncomfortable enough that he will see if has to stop picking up the slack of his non-contributory siblings. I'm in the making his life uncomfortable corner. You could start by saying DH you do your share and only your share and for every night his siblings will not / cannot cover, they bring in a paid for carer. You're looking at about £100 per night, starting at 11pm and finishing at 8pm.

You're both being too passive with each other and with the extended family. All the time your DH is willing too pick up the slack, the others will let him. He needs to step back. Yes, the current situation may well fall over, in fact sometimes this has to happen for those being unrealistic about the situation, to see the situation for how it really is. Time to gird your loins and get assertive - you don't have to be confrontational, just be certain about what you are going to do, and most importantly follow through and do it.

Thank you all for your comments, I really appreciate it.

I have purposely not disclosed the number of siblings to prevent me from being identified. To give you a rough idea it's less than 7 so my DH and his other accommodating sibling agreed to do the original shortfall between them.

The days were already agreed and a rota was in place. They also have a WhatsApp group but every week there's something that comes up for one of the "slacker siblings" (sorry poor term I know, I feel awful calling them that).

DH will just continue to martyr himself until he burns out and crashes. I'm absolutely done trying to reason with a grown adult who is fully aware of the repercussions of his decisions.

It's definitely time for an ultimatum. I don't care how the family fill in the gaps or who funds what. All I care about is whether DH is happy to choose the situation over his family and if so then we need a serious talk.

Disagree with this. Nieces/nephews have their own parents that they will care for one day. It should be the responsibility of the children to sort out, not grandchildren.

That's a tough one OP. I wouldn't hassle DH as he probably already feels guilty. Is there a reason the other siblings is only doing 1 night, perhaps they then need to fund private care for another night or 2. I'd also look to see if you can get some help. Or perhaps you all pitch in to fund the care to give everyone a break eg private care 2 or 3 nights a week. This could be a long term thing so worth planning for it now. I know many people who do this and it can go on for years and you'll all get burnt out

You really need to get them to pay for an independant night-time carer and if necessary split the cost between the siblings.

This is probably the easiest and fairest (and less tiring!) for all

Did all the siblings agree to this arrangement at the beginning?

before my mil died, my sil decided that someone had to stay over at night however none of the other siblings were in agreement or were willing to stay over due to a variety of reasons, therefore she moved in. This was her choice,.

If this was my mother I know that I would have to do it as my sibling is fucking useless and selfish.

I wonder if you would be able to sort out a trustworthy adhoc overnight carer. Renaldo someone who works in a care home during the day. Then the 'slack' sibling can contact them to try and arrange cover and your husband needs to just stand strong that he can only do his nights.

Renaldo?! Maybe!

Yes everyone agreed to this. They all sat down, discussed and agreed this was the best way forward, parents included too.

Re- suggestions to pay privately for overnight carers and confronting the other siblings about their slackness, yes I agree with all of it. I have been telling DH and the accommodating sibling all of these things for a while now and while they acknowledge it, they won't act on it. Finance isn't even an issue, the PiLs have enough to fund this as do the siblings collectively.

It's not my place to go and make these things happen, nor do I want to take on the burden. I have enough on my plate as it is.

It baffles me that the parents don't see the issue. While they are elderly and unwell, they are mentally sound and fully aware.

Lol If Renaldo wants to do nights that's fine by me heeheee

Well I personally loved doing it, as did my cousins. It wasn't a "responsibility", more a nice thing to go and do at the weekend or after school/work. But as I said, it depends on the level of care required.

OP's post directly above yours explains it involves overnights and helping with the toilet, the level of responsibity is clearly above 'after school and at the weekend'. OP also stated that there are carers in the day, did you read any of it?

Yes I read the entire post and that's what me and my cousins did - overnight stays!