To think DS should be at DM birthday over SIL birthday?

[Janedoe95]

Both my DM and SIL have the same birthday SIL is having a party and DM is having a family meal.

both love DS very much and will be upset if he can’t attend. I definitely have to attend DM she’s a great mum and always helping out especially financially

am I being unreasonable to prioritize son seeing my DM this is going to be a predicament every year I do like my SIL but also she’s only an aunt? I think if it was MIL id maybe say to my DH he should take DS but I’d like him to be present for my mums birthday

You didn’t say it was a 30th. I would say that would trump a birthday meal. Much easier to have a 1yr old at a party, unless the dinner is very early and you’ll only stay an hour, I think a dinner would be very difficult to keep a toddler entertained, especially near bedtime. Quite annoying for the dinner guests too who probably want a nice relaxing dinner with adult company and chat - especially if they’re paying for it!!

That’s true it’s just bad luck the actual birthday happens to fall on a Saturday this year.

if I’m honest i don’t want to ask my mum to move anything as well as being the breadwinner she’s a carer for her elderly mum and my (alcoholic) sister who also has health problems

she would move it if I asked her but I want her to feel important

but neither SIL or DM are fighting over having DS there I’m just anticipating the problem and want to make sure I’m not being unreasonable towards my sister in law

In which case I’d definitely say to get your husband to take the child to the party, and you have a lovely dinner with your mum and all your attention can go on her.

Go to whichever one starts earliest first, leave before the end to go to the second one.
Or ask one of them to move it by couple of hours.

I think at 1 it's more about where you and DH are, than where your DS is. It sounds like your DM needs you there more than your SIL does, I would just explain that to SIL.

I'd be at the 30th. It's a big birthday and you can have a meal a different day with your Mum. Did your Mum book the meal after she already knew it was your SIL's 30th?

I was thinking this. Cousins and aunts and uncles may not be so important to OP but I bet they will be important in her DS's life.

And yes if there are cousins/other children his age around, he will have way more fun at the party.

Absolutely. Let him take the baby and you go and fuss over your Mom. DS can visit her in the day for kisses and cuddles

I also wonder if your mum might actually quite like to have you to herself for once.

As much as she loves her DGS, you are her original baby and if you can focus on her and spoil her, even better!

I can't imagine wanting a one-year old at my 30th birthday party.
Take him to your mums.

SIL is having an adult party, go and see her earlier in the day let her see DS and give her a present. DH could attend the party whilst you go for a meal with your Mum.

Grandparent over aunt, pity you have to choose.

He has no cousins.

Yes, I read that. I have 3 DC including a just turned 1 year old. He would be far happier at a party where he can crawl around or be entertained by family (presumably his other grandparents would be there) than at a formal meal where he would be stuck in a highchair.

@Janedoe95 As it’s a special birthday for your SIL I would say that definitely takes precedent. I would also go to the party as it’s a 30th and celebrate with my mom another day.

Generally speaking I would go to whichever had been organised first. Or prioritise DM if SIL didn't have anything specific planned.

However as this is a 30th birthday I'm afraid I would probably prioritise SIL and ask your DM to change the date on this occasion.

What does your husband want to do? There's a lot of 'I and me' in your posts, but unless I've missed it, what he would like hasn't been mentioned.

This isn't about the baby really this is about you all attending a 30th birthday party which is your dilemma,

Can you get a babysitter and go to the party 🥳 😃

So it's SIL 30th birthday and just regular birthday for your mum. I would prioritise 30th birthday

Don't see why you would automatically chose the older generation. Chances are your SIL will be around for longer than your Mum or MIL.

Wow this is depressing 🤣

But I do see your point, however, I would think about it the other way around. SIL will (hopefully) have many more birthdays that DS can attend, whereas DM won't.

I understand your SIL and DM do not come from the same family but my DM and MIL have the same birthday weekend and make sure that they co ordinate so that me and my DH never have to choose between them. We have a baby boy on the way and I can’t imagine our close families expecting us to choose every year. Or maybe do what we do at Christmas and one year spend your actual DM’s birthday with her and then the next year is SIL turn?

I would say DM trumps SIL though if you did have to choose.

but neither SIL or DM are fighting over having DS there I’m just anticipating the problem and want to make sure I’m not being unreasonable towards my sister in law

Stop anticipating. It's more than likely neither of them is that bothered at having a baby at an adult mel or an adult party.

So its the first birthday for both of them with new baby around. I'd say grandmother definitely trumps aunt on this occasion. She will be looking forward to celebrating her birthday with her new little grandchild there.

SIL is turning 30, and really, will she be hugely bothered if her nephew isn't there once shes hit up a few proseccos? Can you take him round earlier in the day to give her her present and say hapy birthday?

Then head over to the family meal with your mother, which will be far more suitable for a baby I'd of thought anyway than a group of 20 and 30 somethings, likely getting hammered into the night.

And I think for any birthdays in the following years, they are likely to celebrate on different days (weekends usually), so it might not be as big as an issue as you think. if they do always fall on the same day then going forward, I'd just alternate. I'm sure both DM and SIL will understand he won't be there with them every year as they have bday on the same day.

he'll have more fun toddling or crawling around with his cousins than sitting at a table for 3 hours.
OP said he is the only child in the family and it is an adult party. So this doesn't apply.
OP what do you do at Christmas? This dilemma sounds the same.
Couldn't you see both sides of the family. I don't think your baby would be happy staying very long at either a formal dinner out or a party to be honest .

A baby doesn't sound like an asset to either event, so I'd take him to whichever he is likely to disrupt least. Probably the party, I'd imagine, as sitting at a table is trickier.

I don't think that grandparent "trumps" aunt, both are close family members. It comes down to individual relationships.