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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DS should be at DM birthday over SIL birthday?

80 replies

Janedoe95 · 06/12/2022 11:04

Both my DM and SIL have the same birthday SIL is having a party and DM is having a family meal.

both love DS very much and will be upset if he can’t attend. I definitely have to attend DM she’s a great mum and always helping out especially financially

am I being unreasonable to prioritize son seeing my DM this is going to be a predicament every year I do like my SIL but also she’s only an aunt? I think if it was MIL id maybe say to my DH he should take DS but I’d like him to be present for my mums birthday

OP posts:

SantasGrotty · 06/12/2022 11:20

Grandparents over aunts and uncles unless grandparents are useless and aunt is doting and helps out

SantasGrotty · 06/12/2022 11:21

Also grandparents won't have as much time (usually) with the children in the long run. And aunt will one day probably have her own grandchildren.

DPotter · 06/12/2022 11:21

Don't see why you would automatically chose the older generation. Chances are your SIL will be around for longer than your Mum or MIL. And if your SIL has children herself or there'll be other related children there, they are a very important link to future family engagement. I lost both of my Grannies 20 years ago and more, but I still see my cousins and aunts, because I had relationships with them before the Grannies died

Baconking · 06/12/2022 11:21

Is either a special birthday? Does SIL throw a party every year?

MichaelJaxon · 06/12/2022 11:22

Why will it be a predicament each year? Do they throw parties every year regardless of age?

Hidingawaytoday · 06/12/2022 11:23

Annoying timing, but why not just speak to them and see if one of the events can be shifted? Surely a discussion is had before a family meal is booked to check if people are free then. It doesn't have to be a big deal

RedHelenB · 06/12/2022 11:23

Enjoy some time in peace and quiet at your mims birthday meal. Mum's moan all the time that Dad's don't have the kids, nows a perfect opportunity. My dc at age 1 would have Bern better at a party than a sit down meal.

badbaduncle · 06/12/2022 11:24

Who gives a shit, really? He's 1, he certainly doesn't.

BungleandGeorge · 06/12/2022 11:25

The party sounds like a more appropriate and fun event for a one year old. Your husband’s priority is his sister and yours is your mum, Perhaps think about alternating in future so things are fair. Or choose the event that is more suitable for a child

girlmom21 · 06/12/2022 11:25

Can you just ask DM to move the meal an hour earlier then travel straight to the party afterwards?

SleepingStandingUp · 06/12/2022 11:25

What time of day, how long and what venue?

Original poster

Janedoe95 · 06/12/2022 11:26

Sorry I should’ve explained better but yes husband’s sister

my son is the only child in both families so the party will be an adult party anyway just friends and family I’d be very surprised if there was even one other child / baby attending

they normally both do family meals out but it is SIL 30th birthday so a big one

OP posts:

been and done it. · 06/12/2022 11:27

Namechanger965 · 06/12/2022 11:19

I would send a child to a party rather than a meal. They’ll have more fun with other children there.

He's only 1!

WoolyMammoth55 · 06/12/2022 11:28

It does sound like a shame that your DM couldn't have, say, a birthday breakfast or lunch to celebrate and then you could go on to SIL's party (or if SIL's is at lunchtime your DM could have a dinner?)

It IS unusual for adults to celebrate their birthdays with parties on the actual day every year - if I have people over then it's usually on the weekend closest, right? So unlikely to be a problem every single time...

But I do think you should take him to his granny's if it has to be one or the other!

whattodo1975 · 06/12/2022 11:28

OoooohMatron · 06/12/2022 11:13

I think your DM and SIL are unreasonable to be honest. Surely they could coordinate so that their celebrations are not on the same day, forcing family to choose?

You are assuming its the OP's brother's wife arent you ?

I get the impression its the OP's husbands sister.

MoreTeaLessCoffee · 06/12/2022 11:29

Janedoe95 · 06/12/2022 11:17

My husband attends his sister’s birthday usually whilst I go to my mums

I think it will be an issue every year at least until my son is old enough to choose who he wants to visit then that might’ve a solution

but I do still think it’s more important to be at his grandmothers over his aunt.

if it was my sister’s birthday or my mother in law i would prioritize my mother in law

I don't agree with this actually, I don't really see why your mum automatically gets priority. Aunts can be just as close as grandparents. So I think YABU.

Nosleepforthismum · 06/12/2022 11:31

Ah I understand! I have a similar issue with my DM and my GMIL having birthdays on the same day. I don’t think you need to overthink it too much at this stage. Are either of them big birthdays? Does your DM/SIL have a partner etc?

I’ve tried to see both on the same day to drop presents off etc and then I’ll prioritise based on: anyone being alone on their birthday or any big birthday celebrations.

Pascor · 06/12/2022 11:32

Firen · 06/12/2022 11:09

Yes, I’d probably prioritise my sister over my mother in law if I was your husband too. Will this be an issue though every year? Surely most people only have big family birthdays for a big birthday?

That would be relevant if the OP's husband was posting here. Since he isn't, it's not.

OP, he's a baby. He won't have a clue where he is, it doesn't really matter. Go to whichever you want to go to, you're the guest. Or, if it suits, you go to your mums dinner and DH goes with the baby to his sisters party. Or you take the baby with you and he goes alone.
Go where YOU want to be.

whattodo1975 · 06/12/2022 11:33

Janedoe95 · 06/12/2022 11:17

My husband attends his sister’s birthday usually whilst I go to my mums

I think it will be an issue every year at least until my son is old enough to choose who he wants to visit then that might’ve a solution

but I do still think it’s more important to be at his grandmothers over his aunt.

if it was my sister’s birthday or my mother in law i would prioritize my mother in law

Be careful going down the "i'll let him decide" route, because you know what he might end up making the choice you don't want him to make. Especially if SIL has kids of her own as your child will see it more as an excuse to have fun with his cousins.

MichaelJaxon · 06/12/2022 11:33

It sounds like it will only be an issue this year because it's a big birthday. And at the age of 1 he won't know the difference!

secondaryquandries · 06/12/2022 11:34

Grandmother trumps aunt but organised party trumps meal out. Could your mother not change the celebration meal time or day?

Nosleepforthismum · 06/12/2022 11:35

Oh just seen your update. Unless your DM is going to be alone on her birthday I would see her during the day/take her out for a posh lunch with your DC and DH and then go to your SIL’s birthday as it is her 30th. It won’t set a precedent so I wouldn’t worry about that.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/12/2022 11:35

been and done it. · 06/12/2022 11:27

He's only 1!

Show quote history

Precisely. So he'll have more fun toddling or crawling around with his cousins than sitting at a table for 3 hours.

However will Dad leave if he gets cranky? Can you? Is it a super formal restaurant or pizza hut? Will the party finish at 11 with taxis or 3 am with flaming sambucas. Will either insist in drinking?.. At 1, I think its actually about your son, not the adults who've managed to celebrate every birthday thus far without him. Where will he be happiest, best looked after etc.

luxxlisbon · 06/12/2022 11:36

Janedoe95 · 06/12/2022 11:26

Sorry I should’ve explained better but yes husband’s sister

my son is the only child in both families so the party will be an adult party anyway just friends and family I’d be very surprised if there was even one other child / baby attending

they normally both do family meals out but it is SIL 30th birthday so a big one

I think your SILs being a big number birthday makes a bit if a difference. Can’t you just celebrate with your mum the next day?

SleepingStandingUp · 06/12/2022 11:36

Janedoe95 · 06/12/2022 11:26

Sorry I should’ve explained better but yes husband’s sister

my son is the only child in both families so the party will be an adult party anyway just friends and family I’d be very surprised if there was even one other child / baby attending

they normally both do family meals out but it is SIL 30th birthday so a big one

If he'll be the only child there, does DS actually want him there? Where is dinner?

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