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AIBU?

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Original poster

To still feel aggrieved and still be shamed?

50 replies

orbitalcrisis · 05/12/2022 19:34

I am finding it really hard to let this go. Several years back my sil agreed to highlight my hair for me. She and my brother were going to be at my mother's for a weekend in a few weeks time to see her and do her hair, and she agreed to do mine at the same time. We said we would meet there. I was very grateful.

On the Saturday I took my son to a friends' birthday party and when I went to pick him up my phone started to 'explode' with messages from my mother. I called her back and she told me my brother and sil were furious I wasn't at her house. I was totally confused as we had never asked me to go there at a particular time so I assumed they were happy to play it by ear.

My mother told me that they were bad mouthing me, saying that if it was a salon that they would never have me back, but a salon would have given me a time, not just a vague "we'll see you at the weekend." I asked my mother to explain why this had happened, but she said she didn't want to upset them further.

I arrived with my children later that evening and was given a very cold shoulder as you can imagine! I was told that I should have got there early on Saturday as highlights would take a long time, and it needed to be done during daylight and they didn't want to have to stay too long on the Sunday. I apologised and said I had no idea, but was told I had behaved appallingly and (again) that no salon would deal with me again after my awful behaviour. She then gave my mother the highlights she would never have time to have given me.

I know this sounds pathetic to still hold on to this, but I am still being shamed for it. My mother STILL refuses to explain to my brother that this was a misunderstanding. I NEVER would have done this if they had told me that I needed to come early on the Saturday. I should have asked more questions admittedly, but I also should have been given more information if time was of the essence, surely.

OP posts:
Batshittery · 05/12/2022 19:41

It was several years ago. You need to put it behind you and move on.
Do you still have any contact with SIL?

Original poster
orbitalcrisis · 05/12/2022 19:50

Yes we're still in contact. I want to move on but it recently came up again. My mother still refuses to explain my side, she doesn't want to upset her.

OP posts:
catmg · 05/12/2022 19:52

You know you can explain your side to your SIL yourself? Why does your mum need to do it for you?

megosaurusrex · 05/12/2022 19:52

Sounds like this is all still unresolved for you, maybe try and find a way of getting closure on it. How is your relationship with them now? Could you bring it up with either them and have a mature discussion about it? You could explain that although it might sound silly as it was years ago, it's still been playing on your mind recently. If that doesn't feel appropriate maybe find someone else to talk to, to help process it. I still remember stuff from my childhood that was unfair and hurtful, so I get it. Counselling helped me process a lot of trauma caused by my family.

Itsbeenashortyear · 05/12/2022 19:52

You are adults. Your mother should have to explain your side at all. You should and if they don’t accept it, that’s their issue.

When were you planning on turning up for the highlights?

FlissyPaps · 05/12/2022 19:53

They sound a bit bat shit to have been kicking off like that. Very extreme.

However you should have asked “what time would you like to start?”

Just seems like a case of miscommunication. She assumed you’d be there early. You assumed there was no set time.

No need for big explosive arguments or holding grudges though.

ForestLilac · 05/12/2022 19:53

Fuck her after all that rudeness.

Fairyliz · 05/12/2022 19:54

Just let it go, it was poor communication on both sides. You should have asked what time if she was doing you a favour and sil should have told you if she wanted you there at a particular time.
No wonder your poor mother doesn’t want to raise it again if it happened several years ago, that would be totally weird.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 05/12/2022 19:54

It was years ago. They all need to get over it. Next time just say "god are you still going on about it? It was years ago. Let bygones be bygones."

End of the day, nobody was hurt. Nobody lost money. No one ended up in hospital. Crazy thing to hold a grudge to.

luxxlisbon · 05/12/2022 19:55

You arrived at the house in the evening though, surely if someone was doing your hair it would be in the day time.
Why didn’t you just ask about a time?
Did your SIL actually want to do your hair? The repeated phrasing of ‘agreed’ makes it seem like you asked and she reluctantly agreed because she felt like she couldn’t say no.

It’s not really your mother’s job to act as a go between so I can understand why she isn’t apologising on your behalf.

Its a bit extreme to hold onto this years later.

2ManyPjs · 05/12/2022 19:56

You SIL sounds like a massive diva and was quite happy to bad mouth you to your family without actually talking to you calmly and decently to find out why you weren't at the house. Sounds like you can't move on because you saw her true colours and your probably worried she'll do it again.

pictish · 05/12/2022 19:57

Why can’t you talk to your sil?

pictish · 05/12/2022 19:58

About this, I mean. Why does your mum have to explain?

SallyWD · 05/12/2022 19:58

They behaved very strangely if they didn't even suggest a time and then got so furious that you weren't there!
However, I can also see the other side. I've never had my hair highlighted in my life (or professionally coloured) but even I know it's something that would take hours and I'd assume we'd start early in the day. I wouldn't just roll up on the evening and expect to get my hair highlighted. If I was you I would have clarified the time beforehand - but equally they should have done so too.
Sounds like a misunderstanding/miscommunication.

ILOVECHEESE79 · 05/12/2022 19:59

If this actually happened, then I really don't understand why adults are incapable of communicating directly with one another in this purported scenario...

pattihews · 05/12/2022 20:00

You sound like a teenager. How on earth are you going to cope with genuine problems when you can't cope with a simple thing like this? Are you bringing your children up to be exceptionally sensitive and brooding like you?

AlisonDonut · 05/12/2022 20:02

How did it 'come up again'?

OnlyFannys · 05/12/2022 20:05

Why does your mum.need to tell your side? Do you mean you want your mum to take your side/stand up for you? Did your mum forget to tell you to arrive early and that's why she wont get involved. I think its something you need to let go, you should have checked.what time that's quite basic but she massively overreacted

Original poster
orbitalcrisis · 05/12/2022 20:09

I agree with everyone, I should have brought it up myself. Every time i planned to let things calm down and try again, it would be brought up to my mother, according to my mother, that I was a total bitch. It just never seemed to calm down to be the right time.

Generally I wouldn't ask my mother to speak for me, but she kept telling me that I was still in the dog house about it and I should wait until my sil got over it. It never seems to happen though!

OP posts:
Andsoforth · 05/12/2022 20:10

I find it slightly puzzling that you’re not angry about this, or at least expressing some kind of awareness of how inappropriate your sil’s behaviour was.

Was there abuse in your childhood that you had to adopt a very passive aspect to survive?

Is there a golden child dynamic with your db?

You don’t need to answer me because I’m not asking to be nosey; just to give you another angle to think about.

pictish · 05/12/2022 20:12

Well maybe your sil is a prick. Not much you can do about that.

Have to say, she’s got some arrogance to keep bringing this up to your mother, given that’s her daughter she’s talking about. Is she very fond of herself?

Original poster
orbitalcrisis · 05/12/2022 20:14

@Andsoforth Yes, my brother was the golden child. I have gone NC with my mother several times so maybe I should just see this as another reason to. I would like to have a relationship with my brothers. It might not be possible though. They think the most awful things about me.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 05/12/2022 20:15

Christ, tell them all to get the fuck over themselves. Stand up for yourself!

Tell your sil it was a misunderstanding and you don't want to hear about it ever again and tell your mother to wind her stirring neck in.

Original poster
orbitalcrisis · 05/12/2022 20:18

@gamerchick I really should, you're right. I don't understand how I let them continually shame me for things that weren't my fault or even things that I did as a teenager! I'm in my 40s now!

OP posts:
spangleswereace · 05/12/2022 20:20

Unless your mother knew they wanted you there for a specific time and she omitted/forgot to pass on the message to you?
It seems quite an over reaction from your SIL if there was no actual time discussed.