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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still feel aggrieved and still be shamed?

50 replies

orbitalcrisis · 05/12/2022 19:34

I am finding it really hard to let this go. Several years back my sil agreed to highlight my hair for me. She and my brother were going to be at my mother's for a weekend in a few weeks time to see her and do her hair, and she agreed to do mine at the same time. We said we would meet there. I was very grateful.

On the Saturday I took my son to a friends' birthday party and when I went to pick him up my phone started to 'explode' with messages from my mother. I called her back and she told me my brother and sil were furious I wasn't at her house. I was totally confused as we had never asked me to go there at a particular time so I assumed they were happy to play it by ear.

My mother told me that they were bad mouthing me, saying that if it was a salon that they would never have me back, but a salon would have given me a time, not just a vague "we'll see you at the weekend." I asked my mother to explain why this had happened, but she said she didn't want to upset them further.

I arrived with my children later that evening and was given a very cold shoulder as you can imagine! I was told that I should have got there early on Saturday as highlights would take a long time, and it needed to be done during daylight and they didn't want to have to stay too long on the Sunday. I apologised and said I had no idea, but was told I had behaved appallingly and (again) that no salon would deal with me again after my awful behaviour. She then gave my mother the highlights she would never have time to have given me.

I know this sounds pathetic to still hold on to this, but I am still being shamed for it. My mother STILL refuses to explain to my brother that this was a misunderstanding. I NEVER would have done this if they had told me that I needed to come early on the Saturday. I should have asked more questions admittedly, but I also should have been given more information if time was of the essence, surely.

OP posts:

Original poster

orbitalcrisis · 05/12/2022 20:22

@pattihews It really must sound like I'm like that but generally I don't have much to do with them, I'm too busy! But every so often they can bring up something like this that makes me feel like that fucked up teenager I used to be and I'm right back there. It's pathetic, but we're all a bit pathetic at times.

OP posts:

FermisLeftFoot · 05/12/2022 20:23

You’re the black sheep and if it wasn’t this it would have been something else. Your SIL is golden DIL as a partner to your golden child brother and looks like he picked a lovely bully just like he and your mum are.

Personally i’d go NC with the lot of them - the fact they made such an issue out of a non issue and still use it as a stick to beat you with shows they have no intention of treating you fairly. Why put up with it? What do you get out of your relationship with your brother that makes this treatment worth it? He hasn’t stood up for you has he?

Original poster

orbitalcrisis · 05/12/2022 20:27

@FermisLeftFoot True. I'm very isolated and it's hard. I've tried to go NC but it's hard to stick to.

OP posts:

Dragonskin · 05/12/2022 20:30

Just shut them down, an exasperated 'Ffs have you l/they not gotten over that yet? It was a simple miscommunication that happened years ago' with an eye roll and a walk away. They do it because they like you feeling uncomfortable, just let them know that you think they are a bit of a knob to keep bringing it up

Brefugee · 05/12/2022 20:31

JFC. You were absolutely in the wrong not to have asked the person doing you the favour when they wanted you to be there and not just assume that you could waltz in any time you like. Surely you knew that highlights take a while?

But anyway. Just call SIL say "sorry it seems to still be eating at you, i was in the wrong and apologise again and hope we can put it behind us". And if your mum brings it up tell her it's sorted.

Original poster

orbitalcrisis · 05/12/2022 20:38

@Brefugee Yes, I didn't think they would happen instantaneously. But I did think that they might ask me to arrive at a certain time if they wanted it to be done on a certain day at a certain time over the two days we were going to be seeing each other. I have literally never been to a hairdresser before. We used to have a woman that came to us as children but I've been doing my own since I was 10.

I've tried to apologise. I've tried to put this behind us but they keep bitching about me due to this.

OP posts:

Brefugee · 05/12/2022 20:41

sorry, i came across a bit harsh.
Seriously though, I'd just tell mum to butt out and it's none of her conern, and ask SIL if she has an issue that she wants to talk about, and if not the subject is not to be brought up again.

It is bonkers, but you don't have to feed the beast.

Original poster

orbitalcrisis · 05/12/2022 20:46

@Brefugee Thanks. It's time I stuck to the no contact. They just make me seem so shitty to relatives I love. I've only just started to realise how many lies they've been telling about me over the years. That's a whole other thread though!

OP posts:

magicstar1 · 05/12/2022 20:47

You need to move this to Relarionshiops where posters who have this dynamic can advise.
To me it looks like this is all down to your mother. She tells them one thing…maybe about you being ungrateful about your hair, and you another….that they’re annoyed with you. She doesn’t let you speak to each other, and by the time she’s done, they feel hard done by, and you’re afraid to open your mouth.
This golden child / scapegoat will be explained by others much better than me.

Brefugee · 05/12/2022 20:48

aw, - families, eh?
you're better off without them, OP

Original poster

orbitalcrisis · 05/12/2022 20:48

@magicstar1 I was just about to ask where to post another thread about my family. I'll go for that. Thank you. x

OP posts:

wp65 · 05/12/2022 20:50

gamerchick · 05/12/2022 20:15

Christ, tell them all to get the fuck over themselves. Stand up for yourself!

Tell your sil it was a misunderstanding and you don't want to hear about it ever again and tell your mother to wind her stirring neck in.

This is a great response

Herejustforthisone · 05/12/2022 20:52

Your brother and SIL are cunts. You do not need their poison in your life.

Cas112 · 05/12/2022 20:55

Tell her yourself

Winterfires · 05/12/2022 21:01

Highlights aren’t in anymore let it go 🤭 Seriously though, they sound mad! Any sane person that wasn’t setting you up to fail would have given you a time.

Nevermind31 · 05/12/2022 21:06

Next time… family, you need to let this go. You didn’t tell me when you wanted me there.
a salon would have given me a time, and I certainly would not go back to a salon that would treat me like this. Time to let this go

Original poster

orbitalcrisis · 05/12/2022 21:08

to the last few posters... thank you. You're right. I know you're right. It is time to let it go. Although, I have just made another post. It's got it all off my chest though. Definitely time.

OP posts:

RambamThankyouMam · 05/12/2022 21:18

What sad, petty little people SIL & BIL.

lifeinthehills · 05/12/2022 21:30

It seems strange they didn't at least give you a vague time. However, that's done with now. I'd just say, next time they bring it up, "Oh my goodness, that was years ago and was just a misunderstanding. Let it go!"

Spidey66 · 05/12/2022 21:33

There's wrong on both sides. Sil could have specified a time, or you could have asked. And yes as someone who has their hair highlighted about 3 or 4 times a year it does take time, so I wouldn't have expected her to do it in the evening. It's not a cut or a wash and blow dry that cab be done and dusted in 40 minutes. Both sides are wrong for sitting on it for years!

magicstar1 · 05/12/2022 21:34

orbitalcrisis · 05/12/2022 20:48

@magicstar1 I was just about to ask where to post another thread about my family. I'll go for that. Thank you. x

I’ve just seen your new thread……this is just the tip of the iceberg. I hope you get some good advice there x

TheOriginalEmu · 04/02/2023 23:05

orbitalcrisis · 05/12/2022 20:09

I agree with everyone, I should have brought it up myself. Every time i planned to let things calm down and try again, it would be brought up to my mother, according to my mother, that I was a total bitch. It just never seemed to calm down to be the right time.

Generally I wouldn't ask my mother to speak for me, but she kept telling me that I was still in the dog house about it and I should wait until my sil got over it. It never seems to happen though!

Just speak to your SIL. I would speak to her one on one. Explain that you didn’t mean to mess her around and it was just a misunderstanding. Say you are sorry and then ask that she stop bad mouthing you. Then if she continues just cut contact.

JudgeRudy · 04/02/2023 23:24

It was a miscommunication. You dodnt agree a set time but in fareness it was a bit stupid to think you could just randomly turn up. If l hadnt agreed a time/day when i got the invite to the kiddies party id have checked with SIL what her plans were. At the very least ld have rang the night before. Your sister in law was cross because she probably waited starting your mums hair as she wanted to do you together. Its done though, and shes going a bit ott if shes still bringing it up
What i dont understand is whats it got to do with your Mum? Why is she the go between? Ringing you on the day then passing messages between you both. Surely you have your own B and SILs numbers?
Clear the air, start again and book another appointment......not at your mums...let her know your delighted and pay her. Done

Shauna27 · 04/02/2023 23:32

Maybe they told your mum what time they were coming over and asked her to tell you and she never told you, hence her not wanting to explain your side of things, she let you take the fall to avoid "upsetting them further".

JudgeRudy · 04/02/2023 23:46

SallyWD · 05/12/2022 19:58

They behaved very strangely if they didn't even suggest a time and then got so furious that you weren't there!
However, I can also see the other side. I've never had my hair highlighted in my life (or professionally coloured) but even I know it's something that would take hours and I'd assume we'd start early in the day. I wouldn't just roll up on the evening and expect to get my hair highlighted. If I was you I would have clarified the time beforehand - but equally they should have done so too.
Sounds like a misunderstanding/miscommunication.

I'll bet a penny to a pound the mum is the matriarch and has 'organised' all this....except she hasn't. She's led SIL on with 'yes, she knows it today, she'll be here soon'.....when OPs arrived none the wiser stroppy SIL has berated her. When mum and OP are alone mums said 'just leave it, you can see SIL is upset. You're making it worse. Just say sorry' so OP , a little perplexed and set upon has been a dutiful daughter and kept her mouth shut.
Now years later she's really angry at herself for not speaking up and deferring to her bossy mum
@orbitalcrisis does your Mum have form for being a bossy boots and expecting you to know your place. I'm imagining a Peggy Mitchell

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