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AIBU?

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Original poster

am I a lazy parent or just protecting Ds's mental health?

59 replies

Essexhousehusbands · 05/12/2022 15:31

DS doing his GSCEs next year. He's bright but dyslexic, hates writing and gets extra time in exams. Generally does well at school, gets good reports. Wants to go to uni and do maths.

He's happy, no issues, sees friends, doesn't go out drinking at the park till 1am, not bunking off school, no self harm, no social media......but playing A LOT of playstation and is NOT doing enough GSCE revision. My guess is that he will get 5/6/7s when with some effort he could get 7/8s.

I'm reminding him to revise, I am paying for a tutor on the subject he finds really tricky. I offer to help, we bought him all the GSCE revision books.

But.... I am not issuing threats to get more revision and I am not having arguments about it. I am not threatening to cut the wifi or take away the playstation. He can be quite explosive and likes a good shouty argument with doors slammed. He can happily watch the world burn, in a way that I can't.

So I justify the 'gentle' approach to revising by thinking that I don't want to jeopardise our relationship and damage his mental health. And that they are his exams and the school is keeping the pressure on.

But is that just me making excuses and really I should really start laying down the law and insisting on more revision?

ARGGHHHHHHHHHH ! Give it to me straight.

OP posts:
MammaWeasel · 05/12/2022 15:35

You can do a lot, but ultimately it's up to him to revise. As long as you've explained that his future is in his hands, then I'd continue as you are . I, too, have a son who would happily see the world burn, as you put it.

FawnFrenchieMum · 05/12/2022 15:35

I personally wouldn't start laying the law down now, 1.5/2 years is a long time to be under that pressure. You are right they are his exams, not yours.
School put so much pressure on them as it is.
You may find once year 11 starts and mocks etc start happening he takes it all a bit more seriously, next year is a long time away for a 14/15 year old.
I suspect many people will disagree with this though.

Nordix · 05/12/2022 15:39

Personally I don’t agree with limitless gaming/screentime and think just an hour a day of playstation on schooldays would be sufficient. But if you’ve never had limits and stuck to them, it’s hard to introduce them now.

I agree with not pushing revision and causing stress, but if the reason he’s shouty/slamming doors/not revising is a gaming addiction then that's not great. Fifteen-year-olds don’t have developed brains to regulate this type of thing themselves.

Does he have another parent and if so, what do they think?

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 05/12/2022 15:42

Not me @FawnFrenchieMum I agree with you. I have a 17 nearly 18 year old and was in a similar situation. The only other thing I can recommend is making sure he is aware of the consequences of the different grade levels he gets and what he will be able to do at college/6th form with the grades of 5/6/7 vs 7/8 and let him make his own decisions to there.

PollyPut · 05/12/2022 15:44

@Essexhousehusbands can you clarify - is he year 10 or year 11? I think year 11 but clearly other posters think otherwise

FawnFrenchieMum · 05/12/2022 15:52

PollyPut · 05/12/2022 15:44

@Essexhousehusbands can you clarify - is he year 10 or year 11? I think year 11 but clearly other posters think otherwise

Yeah I was assuming year 10 with her saying next year (thinking school year) but could be year 11 and meaning next actual year.

BertieBotts · 05/12/2022 16:00

There is a third way - have you come across the Ross Greene Collaborative Problem Solving approach? There are two books explaining how to do it - The Explosive Child which has more focus on behaviourally challenging kids, and Raising Human Beings which is meant to be more accessible for everyone.

They give a framework to help you help your child discover what's getting in their way, even if they tend to scoff at/not get involved in discussions about this normally.

Otherwise if you're happy with your approach I think it's fine. I think you're right that threats won't really help. GCSEs also aren't the end of the world. If he ends up with lower grades than he wanted to do a certain next stage course then he should be able to look at alternative routes, or he might be able to do something different next. It might be a useful moment of clarity for him.

Mariposista · 05/12/2022 16:02

You are doing it right OP. If you force him, he will be less inclined to revise.
Doing badly in his mocks will be a better kick up the arse!

VariationsonaTheme · 05/12/2022 16:12

I’ve always taken your approach. School is pressure enough without kids getting it at home too.

Itisbetter · 05/12/2022 16:15

Don’t get shouty but a chat and a new schedule would be worth it for better grades. Honestly you both sound a bit lazy.

Original poster
Essexhousehusbands · 05/12/2022 16:38

ah he is year 11 so the GCSEs are NEXT YEAR !

Gaming limits - well that's a joke isn't it. We had really strict ones, before the covid, then it all went to shit and we couldn't put them back. But we used to have a lot more rows then too. So I like the no rows.

I love the observation that we are both a bit lazy - yes so true. I do try to chat to him about it, but he says I am stressing him out. I have massive executive function issues, he doesn't seem to, but seems to find reading actually uncomfortable. I swear he can only read due to mindcraft.

DH gets crosser than me about the lack of revision but just pisses DS off when he mentions it. So that approach doesn't really work.

I will look this up thanks - Ross Greene Collaborative Problem Solving approach.

OP posts:
emmama2 · 05/12/2022 16:45

Does your son know how to revise? It may sound like a silly question but I've found the majority of young people are told to revise for exams but given no direction on how to actually do that. You could approach a conversation as you supporting and helping form a timetable. 20 minute chunks is a good amount of time to work hard then have an hour say gaming. I would start it slow and do 1 of these a day and then progressively do 2/3 4 on the weekends. Then look at what he needs to do. Does he know what he needs to revise or is he unsure? Past papers help find areas that need more support and if he's yr 11 he should be doing mocks now ish- usually after mocks a load of young people get the drive to revise.

Itisbetter · 05/12/2022 16:56

I’d just only have the WiFi on between set times for all of you and work while he does.

Original poster
Essexhousehusbands · 05/12/2022 17:49

@emmama2 that is a good point. I don’t think he does, I will try to help.

@Itisbetter did you do this ? Or just think it would work ?

OP posts:
PollyPut · 05/12/2022 20:01

So many questions (for you to think about):
-What grades does he need to be allowed to stay on for sixth form?
-Does he realise he has a chance of being kicked out in a few months (after his GCSEs) if his grades are too low? Whilst his mates stay there?
-Does he intend to do further maths A-level?

-What grades do his school require for him to maths/further maths A level if he doesn't get a top grade?
-Have any of you looked at minimum grades for the universities he wants?

-Does he have regular tests? He must have had them through year 10. Does he know when they are? Do you? Does he revise for them? Do you help him by making sure he has good revision material and perhaps testing him?
-How do you know the school is putting the pressure on him? Are you sure? Or are you just assuming that? Have they actually told you this, and if so, how are you actually supporting the school?

-Does he have any hobbies (that aren't gaming)?

litlealligator · 05/12/2022 20:04

His exams aren't for ages. He can't reasonably be expected to spend all year revising - that's not revision, that's just working extra hard. Is he doing his homework and getting good grades? Are you confident he can knuckle down and get a good amount of revision done in the couple of months before the exams? If so I really wouldn't worry that much.

PollyPut · 05/12/2022 20:29

@litlealligator his mocks could be this month or next.

@Essexhousehusbands when are they?

ZooMount · 05/12/2022 20:34

I actually think the best thing you can do for his mental health is give him limits on the gaming tbh.

Zanatdy · 05/12/2022 20:36

At the end of the day it’s his future and he needs to realise mum and dad aren’t always going to be around to fund him. I’m lucky my DS put his PS4 away for his GCSE’s and A levels and only played it after they ended, it paid off as he got top grades. My DD isn’t quite as committed but she’s doing well, I want them to learn to manage their own time, and to do well because they want to. No I wouldn’t sit around and let them fail when I know they are capable but at the same time shouting and getting into arguments with them doesn’t help either.

BogRollBOGOF · 05/12/2022 20:56

Dyslexia means that he's working that extra bit harder at school for the same outcomes as others. Down time is important, it's how your brain processes information and cements that learning. Constant study is not an efficient or healthy way to learn.

Itisbetter · 06/12/2022 00:33

@Essexhousehusbands we do it sometimes depending on which child is doing what. Exam years are kind of a big deal here so the child who has exams chooses snacks for studying and they don’t help lay tables or wash up. I have a large family so all the children buy in to it so they get their turn.

Kanaloa · 06/12/2022 00:40

I think the line between lazy parent and protecting his mental health is in the intent. Your op doesn’t come across like you’re worried about his mental health, but more that it’s too much work to put up with him creating if his PlayStation time is limited.

Personally, I’m not a huge fan of video games. I know people fall over themselves to say they’re education and good for socialising blah blah but I wouldn’t like my teen to be staring at a video game for hours daily if I thought they were going to do poorly on exams.

Kanaloa · 06/12/2022 00:42

And with things like reading, they just won’t improve by playing a lot of PlayStation. They improve by practicing day in, day out.

Mollymalone123 · 06/12/2022 00:49

Endless gaming isn’t ideal-too many young men seem to fall into it-no wonder there’s less rows as he is getting his own way.Do you want to end up with an adult son still gaming endlessly? When you start arguing because he can’t play a highly addictive game then what next? Not saying you are lazy at all but having seen a few parents now who have ended up with 25 year olds having tantrums as they are addicted to gaming and have no life outside their Xbox then i would not allow non restricted gaming.
i think you need to go back to set times only.Explain it’s not good for his mental health and nothing to do with revising.

PollyPut · 06/12/2022 14:34

@Essexhousehusbands have just realised that some of our local schools have GCSE mocks this week. Is that the case for your DS too, OP?