am I a lazy parent or just protecting Ds's mental health?

[Essexhousehusbands]

DS doing his GSCEs next year. He's bright but dyslexic, hates writing and gets extra time in exams. Generally does well at school, gets good reports. Wants to go to uni and do maths.

He's happy, no issues, sees friends, doesn't go out drinking at the park till 1am, not bunking off school, no self harm, no social media......but playing A LOT of playstation and is NOT doing enough GSCE revision. My guess is that he will get 5/6/7s when with some effort he could get 7/8s.

I'm reminding him to revise, I am paying for a tutor on the subject he finds really tricky. I offer to help, we bought him all the GSCE revision books.

But.... I am not issuing threats to get more revision and I am not having arguments about it. I am not threatening to cut the wifi or take away the playstation. He can be quite explosive and likes a good shouty argument with doors slammed. He can happily watch the world burn, in a way that I can't.

So I justify the 'gentle' approach to revising by thinking that I don't want to jeopardise our relationship and damage his mental health. And that they are his exams and the school is keeping the pressure on.

But is that just me making excuses and really I should really start laying down the law and insisting on more revision?

ARGGHHHHHHHHHH ! Give it to me straight.

This. The actual evidence on teens and mental health is that screentime is mostly pretty bad for their mental health (beyond a very limited amount), whereas studying is neutral or beneficial. Yet so many parents seem to have drifted into letting kids have endless time on their devices and genuinely seem to think that this is good for their mental health.

My eldest is 13 so I've all this to come!

I just wanted to share what my Dsis with her eldest, she sat down with my nephew and said, 'if you end up getting 5/6/7s then what next? What would you like to do if that's the case?' not in a threatening way, there are always options but the options vary depending on what doors are open!

I explained to all mine that basically it’s their own futures they are screwing up.

One carried on as normal - just about passed. Fast forward mid 20’s and a H&S executive. By 21 office manager

One upped revision closer to exams - mainly 7 and 8’s - national manager for global company

One had mh issues and almost dropped out of school. Lowest 5 - now in college and so much better with smaller classes and less noise (autistic)

One gamer expelled year 7 then mix of home ed and PRU. - school expelled him to get support needed (been fighting for years) - now in the gaming industry left education with a couple of GCSEs and English level 2 at college (dyslexic and other stuff).

My point is don’t stress about it. There’s still college and adult education. None of mine went to uni instead grafted hard to get where they are now.

Oh and of course the PS is addictive, I'm not sure how easy it would be to set limits now though. My DC can't access wifi after certain times (age dependant) and the PS is only allowed between certain times, but I'm a bit of a monster!

I have been through this twice but I had children who revised and aced out their exams. But, they understood the consequences if they didn't. Not from us, but from the world in terms of continuing onto A levels and not only that but what grade you go into your A level with pretty much determines what grade you come out with.

You said you are going to look at maths at uni and to be honest that is the best thing you can do. Most maths applicants will have further maths. In order to do further maths at A level a lot of sixth forms will state a grade 8 in maths. Usually the grade you get at GCSE drops down 1 grade for A level, usually obviously some students get 9s and then get A⃰ s.

But maths is the exception and most likely sees you drop 2 grades. noblegiraffe who is a maths teacher linked a table where Edexcel tracked students from their GCSE to their A levels, those on a grade 7 (A) at GCSE came out with a D 27.5% at A level closely followed by a C - 25.6%. Only 1% got an A⃰ .

Ask the sixth form he intends to go to if he gets X grade at GCSE what do they expect he will get at A level. Then look at where this leaves him university wise. The higher the grades at GCSE, the higher the grades at A level and the more choice he has. Hard thinking I would love to go to X uni but I can't even apply due to grades. Plus for both GCSE and A levels your son is competing not just against his classmates but those at private and grammar schools and state schools that perform well and push the students. Does he understand the curve? That just because he gets 60% does not guarantee him a grade, all marks are taken then an average curve applied which is why grade boundaries shift every year. This years 8 could be next years 7.

@shiningstar2 I just had to say - look at degree apprenticeships and show your dgs. Point out that retail is a mugs game in comparison, if he gets an apprenticeship in banking he can work hard and earn £££. Don't argue about the retail job, just try to steer towards a well paid industry. Like snakes and ladders, he's going up a short ladder but with a bit of deferred effort he can go up a much longer ladder !

@GatesToTown really good points. I will digest later.

The gaming - it's complicated as we had all the strict limits. We were the strictness before covid. DS bought his gaming system himself. We had a Switch with parental controls! During covid it had to go by the wayside, and the genie does not go back in the bottle.

SO if he has homework he will always do it, but often gets up at 6am (has always been an early riser) to do so. No input from us required at all. No late homework ever.

He games after school, then we break for family dinner (always) then he games / or we watch something as a family. Watching / gaming is till 9.30 ash then we go to bed, then he's on his phone, but we can see (apple) that he hangs up at 11/12ish. No Tiktok, NO social media, only snapchat, no gaming in his room (well phone).

How does that sound?

I will start talking about a revision plan for after Christmas. I will say revision first then gaming.
I will try to help with the revision as the dyslexic makes it harder.
I also booked an Oct hols this year, and a Feb hols next year..... which makes my standpoint look shaky.
I will deep dive in the uni stuff. I think this is the key.

@Essexhousehusbands I think the gaming is usual. My two are online but it is balanced, so they are entertaining themselves but sometimes that is actually just learning about stuff, anything from history to politics to how to play guitar. I think lots of teens talk to their mates over headsets or play games together. We had a set homework time so no fun stuff until the end of that. That included homework and revision in it with a break. Mocks here fell after both October and February half term so revising was planned out for those holidays.

Re uni please tell your son that an entry grade is the absolute lowest they will accept most students in on. If it says AAA then the likelihood is that most will have 4 A stars, then 3 A stars. So that is what he will be competing against.

Thank you @Essexhousehusbands We have all four of us, dp's and us his dgps dsais about retail being a mugs game ...they will pick you up and send you packing on casual contracts which suit them. Yes some do ok but that is the reality for most. AAt present he is crashing out. He had these last few weeks before Christmas to prove he was getting in every day and we have been doing down to take him by car as an encouragement but he refused to go in today. The sad thing is he says he won't try anything else . like an apprenticeship. Says he has wasted the last two years now ...even though he is only a term into year 13. I think they will throw him off the course after Christmas and he will have to learn the hard way. He is now realizing education doesn't come free at this or any level after age 19 so a two year course of some kind BTEC? to bring him to where he would have been is going to cost. No one with much spare cash here but we have all assured him we would help him but he isn't in a listening place at the moment. When he was young he had severe speech delay and was diagnosed with dyspraxia. My Dd and I (both teachers) though he was on the spectrum. He manifested some autistic ...Asperger's traits on a mild level but he never struggled with primary or with school up to GCSE level so we decided to wait and see if his teachers raised the issue. We r secondary and no issue was raised in primary. We thought. well ...if he's coping ...we don't want extra time in exams or anything ...reports all good ...why would we seek a label. Now we are seeing far stronger evidence off possible Asperger's now he's feeling frustrated . temper outbursts, verbal abuse (to parents not us) that have never happened before and of course the only way now to seek help if he would allow himself to be assessed. Ah well .,hindsight is a wonderful thing. Sorry for long post. Don't mean to derail your thread.

Just to update. I did up the pressure a bit but also got myself involved and now we sit a read a bit of a revision book every night. I also got a year planner and we put a TICK on each day some revision happens.

My guess is due to his dyslexia (and laziness and never reading anything at all) he thinks he IS revising but he isn't. Then he think it's rubbish at revising and the subject. Once I ask sit there and read it and discuss it then he remembers it perfectly.

The gaming I have left alone and decided I'd rather have a conversation about COD or Hogwarts than fight about it. I know a lot about guns now.

Maybe I will update the thread with his grades !