Family still bring up ExDH

[Woolloomooloo]

Bit of background - I’ve been divorced from my exH for 2.5 years, separated for 3. Ended amicably to all intents and purposes (publicly) but in reality he had an emotional affair that I suspect was physical too and generally treated me very badly. No DC and no longer have any contact with him.

I am now happily engaged and have a baby with my fiancé. My family have welcomed him and are pleased to see me happy.

My exH is still good friends with my brother and sees him regularly, which I’m not crazy about but that’s up to him.

My issue is that family members keep mentioning my exH or referring to my previous wedding in passing comments, but only to my fiancé not me!

They will say things like ‘oh great Aunty so and so didn’t like to soup at the wedding’. Or ‘we gave them a gravy boat as our wedding gift.’ Just really innocuous comments but it’s like they cannot move on from it!

My fiancé has told me when it’s happened a few times and I have asked them to stop doing it but my mum in particular persists, despite apologising profusely and saying she will stop.

My mum doesn’t see my exH anymore but he was around for a long time and I’m sure she misses him. I know she stays in touch with his parents too which again isn’t ideal but is up to her.

My question is AIBU to expect that my family don’t mention my exH or previous wedding around my fiancé? He is a man of the world and knows I have a past but I find it disrespectful to keep rubbing it in his face? Is this the norm when relationships end or are my family just nuts?!

Tell your fiancee that he has your full permission not to meekly accept thi. He can say to your mum "I don't need to know that. Why are you telling me that?"

Maybe you can make a bit of a game of it. Work out replies for hi to have at his fingertips...

Sometimes families remain a total fucking enigma. Maybe they think they are being casual, quite hip and clever by not being embarrassed to mention your ex. Maybe they just like him more than your fiancee and, not knowing about the possibility of an affair, are still disgruntled on his behalf. But basically, they are being twats and neither of you need to be too subtle about pointing it out! Enjoy!

I would absolute g nuts at my dm if she did this, absolutely no need, particularly as you have no dc with him and no ties. It's very odd. She can miss him all she likes, there is zero need to persistently mention him to your current fiancé.

You and your fiancée both come across a bit hard work IMO. My personal view is that your family aren't making that many comments about your wedding but that you yourselves are imagining the 'innocuous' remarks being about your wedding for some reason. And I would say yes, YABU, because it is not up to you to dictate what other people are allowed to talk about or not, that is controlling.

I have some experience of this too. Eventually got sick of it and said "my previous marriage isn't appropriate conversation material. It's actually my life and not for your general entertainment. Find something else to gossip about."

Really pissed me off.

Does your mum know your ex had an affair? If not, maybe it's worth telling her so she stops looking back fondly and missing him.

Frankly, I'd say to the relatives 'Right, you like and miss my wonderful EXH so much how about YOU marry him and move in with him and then PERHAPS you can understand why I ended the relationship-otherwise drop the subject or we will be seeing one another FAR less in the near future!'

I had to learn from a really young age not to mention my grandad in front of my grandmother and vice versa (they were divorced) as mum told me it was tactless and might upset them. I forgot once and felt terrible. I was just a child though! It shouldn't be that hard for your adult family members to not keep mentioning your ex. They're being twats.

Families are weird about weddings, it's like they're the single main event of your life even if the marriage doesn't last. My parents are separated but friends and family and more weirdly still, my own mum, still talk about their wedding with fondness. This is a wedding that took place almost 40 years ago. Things like aaah I had those flowers in my bouquet when I got married, aaaah remember how hot it was on your wedding day? A bit different from your situation in that there are no new partners and it's mentioned positively to my mum herself, I guess if they think it ended well they assume that the wedding is still a major and happy life event for you.

Handy that you've been there

I've been your fiancé in this scenario and it really pissed me off. YANBU at all, I would tell them (especially your mum) that if they don't stop they are going to strain their relationship with your ACTUAL life partner, and the father of their GC, which could cause a lot of issues down the line.

This is terrible advice, it’s not his problem to solve and he shouldn’t have to be the one to put a stop to it. Of all the players involved he is the last person who should do have to fix it

your family are behaving terribly and you need to address it once and for all in no uncertain terms.

She asked them not to after her fiancé told her that they were doing so. Why would her fiancé lie? It doesn’t matter how OP and her ex ended things, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist or a bit of thought not to mention someone’s ex to their current partner. Not exactly a hardship. Most of us manage it easily.

I get this with my brother about my ex. It is extremely irritating as he hardly knew him! He'll suddenly say "where's John?" and I reply through gritted teeth that I left him.

You do need to put your foot down and say that's history, I have a baby with X now.

If I were you, I'd tell in a cold tone about the EXH's affair and tell them to stop mentioning this man thinking he's an angel and humiliating you and undermining your moving on from him. If they care about you, they should stop doing it.

Talk about it to them.

Why? Is he so delicate he would melt? Is he not allowed to speak for fear of offending? From someone who played that amenable and polite part for far too long, sod that for a game of soldiers.

OP has spoken to her DM, nothing has changed.

This could, if OP and her fiancee want it to be, be something they approach together. With his 'polite to family filter' removed. They can both use the same approach, the same responses, the same non nonsense rebuttals. They can choose to view it as a family foible they take on together. Not relegating him to a bit player in his own relationship!

I clearly wasn't there. But it's my interpretation of what happened.

I clearly wasn't there. But it's my interpretation of what happened.

Randomly assuming they're making it up for absolutely no reason?

That isn't what I said.

Next time someone mentions him you say, "who? Oh that cheating wanker. Dirty bastard he was, a walking STD, nasty behind closed doors too. I'd rather forget him if you don't mind."

Every single time.

That isn't what I said.

No, you said she must be imagining it.

That's not quite what I said.

You say this to everyone. Do you think everyone is hard work when they're having a bad time? Give it a rest man

I'm not understanding this response. I don't think everyone is hard work But in this instance, I do.

@Keyansier anytime anyone asks a question and gives an example and usually feeling a bit down ... you suggest they are hard work. Trying to invalidate their feelings. You know you do because I always reply the same to you. Give it a rest. You're not nice