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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family still bring up ExDH

38 replies

Woolloomooloo · 05/12/2022 11:27

Bit of background - I’ve been divorced from my exH for 2.5 years, separated for 3. Ended amicably to all intents and purposes (publicly) but in reality he had an emotional affair that I suspect was physical too and generally treated me very badly. No DC and no longer have any contact with him.

I am now happily engaged and have a baby with my fiancé. My family have welcomed him and are pleased to see me happy.

My exH is still good friends with my brother and sees him regularly, which I’m not crazy about but that’s up to him.

My issue is that family members keep mentioning my exH or referring to my previous wedding in passing comments, but only to my fiancé not me!

They will say things like ‘oh great Aunty so and so didn’t like to soup at the wedding’. Or ‘we gave them a gravy boat as our wedding gift.’ Just really innocuous comments but it’s like they cannot move on from it!

My fiancé has told me when it’s happened a few times and I have asked them to stop doing it but my mum in particular persists, despite apologising profusely and saying she will stop.

My mum doesn’t see my exH anymore but he was around for a long time and I’m sure she misses him. I know she stays in touch with his parents too which again isn’t ideal but is up to her.

My question is AIBU to expect that my family don’t mention my exH or previous wedding around my fiancé? He is a man of the world and knows I have a past but I find it disrespectful to keep rubbing it in his face? Is this the norm when relationships end or are my family just nuts?!

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 05/12/2022 19:11

amiold · 05/12/2022 19:07

@Keyansier anytime anyone asks a question and gives an example and usually feeling a bit down ... you suggest they are hard work. Trying to invalidate their feelings. You know you do because I always reply the same to you. Give it a rest. You're not nice

And he always pretends he doesn't understand what people mean when he's subsequently challenged. So bizarre.

Keyansier · 05/12/2022 19:14

amiold · 05/12/2022 19:07

@Keyansier anytime anyone asks a question and gives an example and usually feeling a bit down ... you suggest they are hard work. Trying to invalidate their feelings. You know you do because I always reply the same to you. Give it a rest. You're not nice

First of all, I don't remember people's usernames or posts, people do seem to remember mine but I don't remember you replying to me on (I assume) another thread.

Second of all, you are just saying your thoughts on this thread because I disagreed with the OP. There's plenty of threads where I agree with the OP. I bet you're not keen to highlight those though for some reason??

Keyansier · 05/12/2022 19:15

girlmom21 · 05/12/2022 19:11

And he always pretends he doesn't understand what people mean when he's subsequently challenged. So bizarre.

Show quote history

This will probably just feed into the post you made, but I genuinely don't understand what you mean by this.

amiold · 05/12/2022 19:15

This reply has been deleted

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Sapphire387 · 05/12/2022 19:19

When are you and your fiancé getting married? That might finally shut them up.

In all seriousness though, YANBU. They are being incredibly rude. Tell them he cheated on you and they are hurting you by keeping on talking about him?

Keyansier · 05/12/2022 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Not willing to allow this to hijack the OP's thread. If that's your personal interpretation then that's that. I don't agree.

liarliarshortsonfire · 05/12/2022 19:29

I think I'd tell your family why you split up.

'Please stop mentioning exdh, first of all it's really disrespectful towards my df, but also because exdh isn't a nice man, he had an affair and it's not something I want to be reminded of'

Maybe that will stop them.

AllyArty · 05/12/2022 19:31

Its not nice or necessary. Could you have a word with your mum and tell her that you and your partner find it awkward and that your ex is your ex and in the past and you want to live in the present and look forward to the future. My DHs family were close to a previous girlfriend of his and I had years of feeling second best. Say something now☺

Original poster
Woolloomooloo · 05/12/2022 19:37

Thanks everyone for the replies, I think I knew it wasn’t normal but wanted to gauge others views! This is the first divorce in our family so I do think some of it may just be my family not knowing how to behave, but you would’ve thought social convention would prevail!

OP posts:
Wanderingoff · 05/12/2022 19:41

the parents of my high school friend stayed in touch with her sisters wx fiancé for YEARS.

as in lunches just the three of them. Fortnightly phone calls.

it was unbelievably weird. And shit for her sister who’s broken up with him and just wanted to move on!

Original poster
Woolloomooloo · 05/12/2022 19:42

just to add, they never mention the wedding or my exDH in front of me; it’s only ever to my fiancé when I’m out of the room or elsewhere, very strange!!

OP posts:
FairyBatman · 05/12/2022 19:45

Woolloomooloo · 05/12/2022 19:42

just to add, they never mention the wedding or my exDH in front of me; it’s only ever to my fiancé when I’m out of the room or elsewhere, very strange!!

I'd tell your Fiancé to raise it when you come back in next time.

"Oh your Mum was just telling me about Auntie Freda at your first wedding" and you can use that to jump in and tell them to knock it off.

aSofaNearYou · 05/12/2022 20:07

That's not quite what I said

"you yourselves are imagining the 'innocuous' remarks being about your wedding for some reason."

Yes it is.

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