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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Any CP social workers that can help me? They want to visit!

60 replies

PizzaHerbs · 05/12/2022 10:50

what Will they be looking for? What happens next? Anything I should know in advance?

OP posts:
ZiggZagg · 05/12/2022 11:57

So she just hides the issue, gets rid of the SW and the house gets worse putting her children at risk of health issues, accidents and fires? Not to mention the impact it can have on their educational attainment, emotional well-being and social development?

FruitTwistandShake · 05/12/2022 12:05

My mum is a retired SW. She has always said that the best advice is to always be honest, tell them how you are struggling. Just because you are struggling in some areas doesn't mean that you are unable to look after your kids. Show willing to be better. Take advice, receive help. Ultimately everyone involved including you wants the best for your children.

kittensinthekitchen · 05/12/2022 12:07

Why are they visiting?
Have you been reported, or did you reach out for support?

headstone · 05/12/2022 12:10

ZiggZagg my advice if she is genuinely a loving mum needing help would be to get help from another source. I think some social workers can make things worse rather than better.

ILOVECHEESE79 · 05/12/2022 12:15

OP, I had SS involvement for 2years (I self referred when my DC were 18 months due to my issues) and all I can say is, be 100% open and honest without over-sharing and always keep your children's welfare and well-being at the front of your mind. Their safety and them being okay is the priority.

LIZS · 05/12/2022 12:16

What is the nature of the alleged neglect? Is there food in the cupboards and fridge, appropriate and nutritional, clean utensils, plates etc, hygiene standards, clean clothes, age appropriate toys and relevant safety measures. Are you taking them to school/nursery, gp as necessary. They may look beyond the communal areas and bedroom.

Mogwire · 05/12/2022 12:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BertieBotts · 05/12/2022 12:19

Do you have a previous thread? This might help with context and advice.

Do you have a family support worker? These are in shorter supply now but it might be something you can access.

How old is your child(ren)? Are they in any childcare at all? Are you working?

I was also referred (quite a lot of years ago now) due to concerns mainly surrounding messy house. I was struggling with what I didn't know at the time was undiagnosed ADHD, I recognised depression and overwhelm - but what happened was that basically the health visitor would come over and she was concerned about the state of the house, and the fact that DS1 was always hungry when we went to the Children's Centre stay and play. She had shared these concerns with me. I tried as best I could to address them, and she came over again and said that it just looked the same and she would make the child protection referral. I was so so upset because I had tried and I thought there was a difference, but apparently it hadn't made any difference to her.

I share this because you mentioned putting effort into certain areas and ignoring the rest. That is a brilliant start! And a really good idea to prioritise, especially when the whole is overwhelming. But if you are a chronically messy person (me...) then you might have a completely different idea to your health visitor, or a social worker, about what is normal and maybe also about what is important.

What happened next for me was a CAF meeting (I think they now call this Team Around the Child - it might have another name.) and the social worker was there. He wasn't scary. I was really scared, and this is a kind of almost primal fear. I've never felt anything like it. I was doing my best, but somehow it wasn't good enough and they had the power to make decisions without me about the most precious and important thing. It's like white noise in your head all the time, which doesn't help. But they do not want to take your child into care. Frankly, it's expensive and complicated, they also understand that it is distressing for the child. Be open to working with them and whatever they have to say, and they will probably appreciate this. Social workers get a lot of defensiveness, anger, refusal to cooperate from parents, because nobody is their best self when they are scared, and because some families who are struggling have their own trauma related to social workers possibly from their own childhood. So they are generally relieved and happy if you are willing to talk to and work with them. Try to keep this in mind and not let the fear dominate.

In the meeting, I explained the two instances with my health visitor, and expressed my own confusion and dismay about having tried but not actually getting it right, and the social worker asked if I would like a copy of the guidelines that they use to assess the cleanliness and state of a house. I said yes and I received two copies. The guidelines were eye opening to me because some things I hadn't even realised were not normal. One example that I remember is leaving washing up to be done when I next needed the item, instead of doing it regularly. (Every day or after meals). This is how my own mother had coped when I was growing up, so I thought that is how you did washing up. Maybe that's not a specific misunderstanding that you have, but it is an example of one of the things that my health visitor had immediately spotted, whereas I had focused on making sure that the piled up washing didn't have old food in it, for example. And another was noticing that the toilet was stained beneath the water line. That's how my toilet looked, even when I cleaned it, so I thought I couldn't do anything about it, but I have learned that if that layer is not allowed to build up, then it is possible to keep it away, and it was simply that I should have been cleaning it more regularly so as not to let it build up. (There are also methods to remove stained limescale that is already there).

Anyway, having the checklist was useful because it was objective and it gave me specific things to work on. I actually never saw the social worker again and they closed the case. My health visitor went on maternity leave and I got a different one who I found easier to talk to (pure chance). They felt that because I was engaging with the support services, and my child was healthy, they did not need to follow up.

In terms of getting on top of the housework, I would recommend two resources that actually work when you're in utter crisis and drowning in it. My favourite is Dana K White's A Slob Comes Clean, or her book How To Manage Your Home Without Losing Your Mind. The other one which is relevant for somebody who is in crisis is How To Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis. Both of these authors also have instagram, blogs, podcasts, tiktok, whatever appeals to you. I've found putting the podcasts on while I do cleaning or tidying helps me.

There are other systems that people often recommend such as the organised mum method or FLYlady, but IME, those things are useful only if you keep doing them, and keeping getting back up and doing it when it felt impossible was my road block. Both Slob and Drowning address this part of the issue specifically.

MoanySloney · 05/12/2022 12:21

Get Legal advice

TinFoilHatty · 05/12/2022 12:22

Neglect can also involve declining to take the child/ren to the dentist or get nits treated.

My advice is to clean up the property, remembering that fresh paintwork is not necessary. Listen carefully to the SW and cooperate fully. Try to explain your insight into why the possible neglect has happened and be honest.

TellySavalashairbrush · 05/12/2022 12:31

Being honest is my advice as a SW. They are not coming to cause problems for you, but to ascertain if you may need some support. They will look at the children's bedrooms, just to ensure they have a bed, blankets, etc and that it is suitable for a child to sleep in.

It might be worth having a list of when your children last had their immunisations, if they had to attend the GP, any health conditions.

Season0fTheWitch · 05/12/2022 12:34

Be honest. Be open to their help. Show enthusiasm to change and be proactive e.g. contacting charities for support or seeking food bank help.

Thoughtful2355 · 05/12/2022 12:48

YES to be honest as they actually helped me a lot. If your house is very messy then you NEED help. there is no excuse. they dont care if theres a bit of mess and untidyness but they will be looking out for dirt. BUT they will not just take your kids away like a lot of people think, its more that theyll want to see you wanting to be better and accepting help. There are lots of remote courses they can put you on or help schemes and teaching schemes. if you lack furniture they can refer you for help etc.

Listen to them and know they most likely are not judging you they just want it to be safe for your kids.

Thoughtful2355 · 05/12/2022 12:49

Also biggest advice is to learn about WHY its not ok to have a dirty home or really messy home etc , look realistically at your parenting or your house and try to honestly see it from there point of view.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 05/12/2022 12:52

Great Post @BertieBotts.

Proneu82 · 05/12/2022 12:55

I am concerned you are asking OP

and I think totally irresponsible for any poster to respond with any practical suggestion re what to “do” pre visit

DancingSpleen · 05/12/2022 13:40

PizzaHerbs · 05/12/2022 11:09

They have concerns of neglect. I can’t say more.

If you can’t say more then no one can help. Might be worth reflecting on why they might have concerns and prepare for that

MichelleScarn · 05/12/2022 13:45

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 05/12/2022 11:03

Yes it depends why they are visiting.
However I hated these threads and am wary of them, especially after so many high profile cases this year, and would hate to think that someone has assisted in helping abusive or negligent parents hide this from SW, or found a way to stay with an abusive partner that SS doesn’t want near the children

Absolutely. Posters who think they'll be doing the right thing or getting one over SS are clearly not caring if the kids are at risk in actual fact, as long the cracks are covered over and it all 'looks ok' for a home visit baffle me.

Comedycook · 05/12/2022 13:45

When you say "very messy" what do you mean? Are you talking actual health hazards or just toys and clothes laying around? Why is it messy? Are you struggling? I think it's best to be honest. I'm not an expert but from what I understand they don't want t

Comedycook · 05/12/2022 13:47

Sorry posted too soon but wanted to say that I don't think they want to remove children and don't do so lightly...I'd imagine that they prefer to support families rather than split them up.

Proneu82 · 05/12/2022 15:44

Comedycook · 05/12/2022 13:45

When you say "very messy" what do you mean? Are you talking actual health hazards or just toys and clothes laying around? Why is it messy? Are you struggling? I think it's best to be honest. I'm not an expert but from what I understand they don't want t

The OP is far from the most objective person on the score. We won’t get an honest answer, even if the dishonesty is intentional of you see what I mean

Proneu82 · 05/12/2022 15:45

MichelleScarn · 05/12/2022 13:45

Absolutely. Posters who think they'll be doing the right thing or getting one over SS are clearly not caring if the kids are at risk in actual fact, as long the cracks are covered over and it all 'looks ok' for a home visit baffle me.

I actually think mumsnet hq should ban such threads.

MillicentMold · 05/12/2022 16:15

Proneu82 · 05/12/2022 15:45

I actually think mumsnet hq should ban such threads.

Me too.

A poster comes on to ask for ideas how to prepare for a SW visit as there are concerns around neglect. Posters then fall over themselves to tell OP to clean up, make sure the Childrens rooms are comfy, make sure there is food in the cupboards blah blah… In effect giving her ideas how to dupe SS.

None of which is helpful for the children. It is far better for SW to visit the home exactly as it is and why concerns have been raised, in order to support the OP and make things better for the children.

There is good reason why concerns have been raised. Attempting to dupe SS only serves to place the children at risk of further neglect and harm.

Newwardrobe · 05/12/2022 16:23

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 05/12/2022 11:03

Yes it depends why they are visiting.
However I hated these threads and am wary of them, especially after so many high profile cases this year, and would hate to think that someone has assisted in helping abusive or negligent parents hide this from SW, or found a way to stay with an abusive partner that SS doesn’t want near the children

I agree

Dreamwhisper · 05/12/2022 16:27

PizzaHerbs · 05/12/2022 11:09

They have concerns of neglect. I can’t say more.

Be honest and open. If you need help, they can provide it. Neglect surely is borne out of parents not coping. They can help you cope. If you need support with your home, they can really arrange quite a lot by the sounds of it (though I am solely basing that off of the recent thread where someone posted about their SS involvement).

How old are your children? They will speak to the school and if appropriate your DC so I definitely wouldn't go about trying to paint an inaccurate picture of your life.

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