Photos of ex on Facebook

[BBY23]

Hi all! So I have been with my partner for over a year and we are expecting our first child. We have a great relationship and everything is perfect except for one little thing that niggles at me... he still has photos of his ex on his Facebook. Loads of them cuddled up etc. She was his first love, thought they would be together forever etc. I briefly expressed that I wasn't a fan of this earlier in the relationship but never said anything more on the subject however now that we are much closer and having our own little family I would like them deleted. AIBU to ask him to get rid of them?

My partner asked me to delete photos of my ex when I was pregnant (wasn't a thought to me). I did it because it made him feel uncomfortable and I held no feelings towards the photos or my ex. No issue asking him IMO.

If its pictures of them cuddled up as you say I would not be happy with that either.

I think this is common when you’re have a relationship that’s moved quite quickly- old memories are recent.

What’s driving the jealously, OP? Are you concerned that he’s still seeing his ex?

Getting pregnant so soon in a new relationship isn’t ideal, it gives you far less time to iron-out issues like this.

I laughed when an ex asked me to remove pictures. If he had an issue he didn’t need to go scrolling through pictures. He was trying to be controlling in a few ways and hence he’s an ex.

It is horrible to see, but you can't change the past. They were a couple but now he's moved on and he's with you.

I still have the odd pictures with exes on my Facebook, they come up on memories but they were so long ago I can't be bothered to go back far enough to find and delete them! I don't think I have the energy to search through my partners photos to see if he has any.

Physical photos are entirely different, & very few people would opt to keep their home (especially if cohabiting) festooned with photos of exes. Although they might feature if eg there were some favourite shots including shared DC.

Having historic pics of exes on your timeline is hardly keeping them public online for the whole world to see - they'll barely be visible as the current stuff will supersede them.
You do make me laugh though - "for the whole world to see"!! - what, like they are uncovered table legs in a Victorian parlour?

Who would want their dating history to be on show to the whole wide world or any new friends they make anyway. That is truly weird. Do people have no sense of privacy?
Presumably those relationships & exes weren't 'private' at the time they were in them - why would they need to be 'private' after the event? You talk as if it's somehow shameful to have exes ...

Op I removed photos of my ex from my house because that didn’t seem fair to dp but I would not remove photos of my ex from Facebook. I know it’s too late now but you shouldn’t be having a baby if you’re not secure in the relationship

I was 22 when I met my partner and probably insecure and he had loads of tagged photos with his ex and I didn't like seeing them. I got drunk and left him a voicemail he never mentioned it but untagged himself from all the photos must have took ages 🙈

This was nearly 10 years ago we are married now with kids and I think I still wouldn't like them on there but I'd probably try to talk to him about it properly than what I did.

I get that the moments still happened and can't erase the past but for me I didn't like it.

I see no difference been physical and digital photos, only people being lazy in managing digital ones.

It’s basic cybersecurity to keep the amount of public data about yourself to a minimum. The photos will show up in random searches for the entire facebook community and google searches on top of that, not hidden deep in your profile for no one to see.

The whole world does not need to be able to see photos of your past relationships or life. I despair at the people in this thread with 1000s of photos of Facebook.

If you wouldn’t show it to a stranger in the street, you should not have it on your facebook account, even if you have privacy settings on as things are easily screen capped.

Putting all of that aside, I stand by my first point that it is disrespectful to your current partner.

Thanks for the lecture @NopeNopeNopeNo I'm sure I ought to bow to your superior knowledge of how I should handle my social media.

Your stranger in the street analogy is odd.
I wouldn't care if a stranger in the street had seen me being in a relationship years ago with an ex. So why would I care that somebody might see a pic of that relationship from years ago?

It’s basic cybersecurity to keep the amount of public data about yourself to a minimum. The photos will show up in random searches for the entire facebook community and google searches on top of that, not hidden deep in your profile for no one to see.
Do educate me - how is an old pic of my ex a cybersecurity threat?

I despair at the people in this thread with 1000s of photos of Facebook.
That's a very extreme emotion to feel about other people's sm accounts.
How about you don't look at pics if the volume distresses you so much?
Do you get worked up by - oh I dunno - how many cars, or mugs, or clothes other people have? Why would it make you feel despair? It's nothing to do with you!

I wouldn’t be so sneering if I was as ignorant as you.

Fwiw, I work in cybersecurity and it’s my job to go through social media profiles with a fine comb for personal details. You might not consider yourself as someone of importance but this can easily change. Absolutely anything can be used against you by the right person, no matter how seemingly minute the detail.

But do continue to show your ignorance if you so wish. I don’t wish to argue this further as I’ve already made my points multiple times.

I wouldn’t be so sneering if I was as ignorant as you.

Fwiw, I work in cybersecurity and it’s my job to go through social media profiles with a fine comb for personal details. You might not consider yourself as someone of importance but this can easily change. Absolutely anything can be used against you by the right person, no matter how seemingly minute the detail.

But do continue to show your ignorance if you so wish. I don’t wish to argue this further as I’ve already made my points multiple times.

But you haven't made any points @NopeNopeNopeNo - just some vague assertions.

For an avowed professional cybersecuritist, it's odd that you can only offer nebulous allusions that "anything can be used against you" ... no specifics about how having exes on your profile would be compromising. Does this special cybersecurity precaution only apply to exes, or should we remove old friends & relatives too, in case somebody finds something nefarious in the fact that ... we've known some people a long time?

Yep sorry OP, you're being unreasonable (unless he's actively browsing through them, sharing them or commenting on them now).

My DH was 38 when I met him, he had 38 years of life before me, including other serious relationships which he (and his family and friends) has memories of. Deleting some pictures on Facebook doesn't make any difference to that, nor does them still being there make any difference to our relationship in the here and now.

FWIW the very first sign that my EXH was an emotionally abusive arsehole was him making me snap in half a CD full of photos I had from when I went travelling with a previous boyfriend. Every picture of a once in a lifetime trip, regardless of whether he was in it or not, destroyed forever because of his ridiculous jealousy. Take it down a notch OP x

I have 1000s of photos. I've had to pay extra to Google to store them. They document my life. I'm not deleting them for anyone! I'm not ashamed of anything I've done, and having exes isn't a secret. So why should I pretend those times of my life never happened ? YABVU.

Ok, since you are clearly that ignorant that “any minute detail” is too difficult to grasp, here are 3 real world examples:

1. Your profile is completely locked down but you make the common mistake of leaving your profile picture folder unlocked. Some of the old profile photos are you and various exs. That means I have multiple profiles to go through for information about you, some of which are bound to be public. Your profile doesn’t contain your date of birth but one of your exs wishes you happy 30th birthday a few years ago. I now have your date of birth. I take this to a database of breached passwords and emails. You have a common name but there is only one password/email combination that includes your date of birth. I now have your password. I then search your unique password in the database again and now I have all your usernames because you reuse your password. I google your usernames and find your private Mumsnet account where you share all your personal details, some of which can get you fired from your job.

1. Your ex is filmed going on a racist rant in public and it goes viral. His profile has no photos of him, but yours does. His name isn’t mentioned in the video but someone takes a screencap and runs it through a face analyser (publicly available) and your profile shows up. Now everyone wants to know why you are associated with someone who behaves like this and your profile is combed through by thousands of people for any hint of racism, ready to be sent to your boss.

1. You don’t mention on your mumsnet profile any personal details about yourself but you let slip details about someone you dated. They went to such and such uni and were in such and such club and now work as such and such. This can easily be narrowed down to a list of people, who are then crossed off using any other information provided, such as nationality. When the person is found, tagged photos of him from your profile lead to your profile and you’ve just doxxed yourself.

Yes, you should delete any people you aren’t close to. In fact, you should delete your entire profile as voluntarily contributing to a publicly accessible database with personal details about yourself is just bizarre.

This is Mumsnet. People get pregnant first, then consider whether they want to be with the father second.

Ok, since you are clearly that ignorant that “any minute detail” is too difficult to grasp, here are 3 real world examples:

That's a relief @NopeNopeNopeNo so thanks for clearing it up.

1. I don't use DOB as passwords or to access accounts. I don't reuse my passwords.
2. I don't date racists, so don't have any exes who will go on racist rants.
3. I don't let slip details of anyone I know on mumsnet.

Yes, you should delete any people you aren’t close to. In fact, you should delete your entire profile as voluntarily contributing to a publicly accessible database with personal details about yourself is just bizarre.

This is so ludicrous I can only counter it with @KrisAkabusi's succinct riposte - I'm not ashamed of anything I've done, and having exes isn't a secret. So why should I pretend those times of my life never happened ? YABVU.

You have to be trolling at this point. That list was clearly not meant to be directed at you personally and was just 3 examples off the top of my head. I don’t have the time nor inclination to comb your profile and find 3 personalised examples of security lapses relating to exs. Jesus.

Fwiw, anyone can have a mental breakdown and go on a rant in public, regardless of their previous views.

YABU and controlling

Ive been married 11 years and still have a few pics up on FB somewhere of me and my exes. If a partner cared that much it would be a red flag imo

Could you ask him just to delete profile pictures with exes? Then it’s not erasing the past just acknowledging you are his present.

Most people can’t be bothered trawling through very old photos on social media to delete them all. He had a life before you, you can’t really eradicate that.

You have to be trolling at this point. That list was clearly not meant to be directed at you personally and was just 3 examples off the top of my head. I don’t have the time nor inclination to comb your profile and find 3 personalised examples of security lapses relating to exs. Jesus.
Of course it was directed at me personally - you took the trouble to specifically call me ignorant, which is kinda personal, but we'll let that slide.
You said the examples were real world. I inhabit the real world. Therefore they apply to me.

Fwiw, anyone can have a mental breakdown and go on a rant in public, regardless of their previous views.
Exactly.
So unless you are living under a McCarthyite regime, where nefarious authoritarian figures are looking to cause your downfall for the terrible act of 'having knowingly associated with' someone who's later gone stark staring bonkers, rather than getting the bonkers one the help they need, I don't think this is much cause for concern.

You are being unreasonable

I called you ignorant because either you clearly are and need everything spelled out to you or you are trolling, which is against Mumsnet rules.

No one is going to take time to establish whether someone is acting in character or not when a video of them goes viral. These details only ever come out later after the damage has been done. You also skimmed over the detail where I pointed out that your profile would be combed for racist evidence, not that you would be condemned for merely being associated with them.

I cannot believe that you think every real world example ever must 100% always apply to you.

Begone troll.

I called you ignorant because either you clearly are and need everything spelled out to you or you are trolling, which is against Mumsnet rules.
For someone apparently so up on cyberspace & MN rules, it's odd that you've just broken a cardinal one.

Begone troll.
Ooops, you did it again ...