Partner leaning on female colleague for emotional support - AIBU?

[daschundthroughthesnow]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. We own a house together, have 2 dogs and I moved to this area (a few hundred miles south of my family) for his job a few years ago. We aren’t yet engaged, nor do we have any children but we are very happy. I haven't seriously brought this up the topic of engagement/marriage for a while but have been meaning to.

He is happy for me to use his laptop and so recently, while working late, some iMessages popped up in the corner of the screen from a female colleague I haven’t heard of before. Her (small) photo shows a very pretty woman who is absolutely his type. I then fell down the rabbit hole of reading their entire message thread and I’m not sure what to make of it. My spidey senses detect something is off.

He messages her a lot. Almost always about work but it’s every day. There’s a lot of emotional support amongst the two of them and I’m never mentioned, nor is her partner (if she has one; I don’t know). He has opened up about feeling low, burnt out and she has encouraged him to access support which he has now done. I was aware he was fed up with work and very stressed but certainly not to this extent. He’s very much leaning on her for this support and not me. They also have hobbies in common that we don't but these aren't discussed much.

He instigates their messages nearly all the time. When she works late, he checks in overnight texting until about 1am, with the messaging beginning at around 10.30pm; so after I've fallen asleep. When she doesn’t reply, he messages again in the morning to see how is. He tells her what a great job she’s doing, how much she deserves to get a promotion that came up and how she’s the only normal colleague he has and how she can’t leave (high turnover, she was offered a promotion elsewhere but has decided to stay put).

I will emphasise, there is nothing really inappropriate sexually as such in the messages. She never seems to message at weekends and much of the content is about their work/colleagues- it’s pretty mundane stuff. He is the one leading the conversations and I think this is what has got my guard up

Our dogs are the same breed as hers and they send fairly regularly dog photos, but again, no mention of me. He’s even sent photos of himself on holiday with his brother and another of him on a stag do, but despite mentioning he was abroad for the week we went away, there was no mention of me, nor any photos of that trip.

AIBU to think this is toeing the line or is this just innocent chat between two close colleagues? I work in a primary school (almost all female colleagues!) and so can’t judge what’s normal. We are otherwise very happy as I say, never had any suspicions of cheating. I’ve been cheated on before and suffer from anxiety but I’ve had a lot of therapy which has really turned it around in the last year - until now and I’ve barely been able to sleep all weekend. He's away at present but I will bring it up once I've got my thoughts straight

Unfortunately this is how affairs begin and this feels like an emotional affair. I have been the OW in this situation and I thought we were friends until one day he expressed his true feelings. We talked all the time about our common hobby and then one day, it started getting a bit flirty or emotional. I think that fact he is instigating it mostly says a lot. It was the same for me, always him. She may not feel the same way but ultimately that isn't your problem. Why he is reaching out to her is... I think you just need to own up and find out what's going on. If he no longer wants to be with you, he should come out and say it, not line someone else up. Alternatively, he may need support/affection you aren't offering but he clearly needs to ask for it.

Our dogs are the same breed as hers and they send fairly regularly dog photos, but again, no mention of me. He’s even sent photos of himself on holiday with his brother and another of him on a stag do, but despite mentioning he was abroad for the week we went away, there was no mention of me, nor any photos of that trip.

This is the piece that would worry me. IME if you are friends with work colleagues of your preferred sex, you mention the partner. Frankly, it's an insurance policy against impropriety. I've noticed male colleagues do it and I do it. I've even spoke about doing it to one of my male colleagues with regard to clients who fancy us, "haha yes I mention Terry", "LOL I mention Steph". It basically says that you like them, but you love your partner. Mentionitus in reverse.

It's an emotional affair that will probably lead to a full on affair

He is keeping her secret, he is keeping you secret

This screams EA and more if he can

I agree with PP, you need to fess up to having read this stuff, and ask him why he feels the need to discuss these things during the night with a colleague, when he could easily talk to you. I also feel that it's weird, him not mentioning you in his messages, it's as if he's blocking you out of the picture, which to me reads like you don't exist as far as he's concerned while he's talking to her.

Thank you all. I need to bite the bullet and bring it up, you're right. I'm worried he will say I'm being ridiculous and accuse me of snooping but clearly it's not just me..

I think that if I was the other woman in this situation, I would assume he wanted something more from me. Men have never given me that much attention without it eventually crossing a line.

I have male friends and colleagues who I chat to, but no one every day and always mentioning other halves or families.

If he makes out it is all innocent from his side, maybe point out that any woman getting that much attention will think he's after her - and does he think it's appropriate that she is walking around thinking he fancies her? Because she will be.

Also, if it was innocent, he would mention you. If he isn't doing so, it is because he wants her to think there's a chance of something happening or because he compartmentalises - and he isn't even thinking about you. Neither of those things are good.

I think your instincts are right. This is bad news. He needs to stop it right now.

Affair is imminent, if he gets his way.

Sorry OP, but as others say, this is how
it often starts.

Not ever mentioning you, contacting her once you are asleep / out of the way and not mentioning her to you either - all glaring red flags that demonstrate nothing good.

Whilst I’d need to bring this up - it’s incredibly likely he will minimise it and focus on having ‘done nothing wrong’. The intention is there though and that really is more the problem here.

If I was unmarried, with no kids and no significant financial ties to this man, I’d be questioning the future and whether I wanted to pin my future happiness on such a duplicitous person. One who has been slowly but surely building up to this over weeks (months?) by contacting another woman behind my back every day. It does say a lot about his character / integrity, or lack thereof.

Sorry OP. You have right to be wary. Xx

Yes emotional affair that only leads to one thing realistically. I'm sorry OP.

When a man at work did this to me, it was always him that started it every time...

And it wasn't innocent, right?

@iswintercoming yes it does doesn't it, it's been going on for months. I've poured my life's savings into this house in the middle of nowhere just for him, I'm devastated just at the thought of it all going up the spout.

The one good man I thought I could trust, I'm absolutely devastated

I wouldn't give it all up just yet.

This is the early stages of him pushing boundaries. You know where your lines are, but he may not have completely crossed any yet depending on where they are.

There is a slim chance he would have pulled himself back before he got into fatally dangerous territory.

This is how emotional affairs start. In his head this will be entirely innocent and he may not even have admitted to himself that this is a dangerous road. If you confront him you will likely get a complete minimising of it - he has been happily minimising this to himself all this time, so he will have convinced even himself that this is perfectly ok.

If you point out that it's not ok and is crossing boundaries, the reaction and actions he takes as a result will tell you what you need to know.

Anger - and he's gone.
Minimising and denying - and he needs to listen some more and have some time to think about what he was getting out of this interaction and why he has started it. If he continues to minimise and doesn't stop this contact - then he's probably gone. He would also need to reassure you that he has learned his lesson and won't do this again.

You need to talk to him.

For reference, my ex did this with a woman he knew. He wasn't even particularly secretive about it with me, but he gave her so much attention knowing she was single.

I told him it was inappropriate, but he told me they were just friends, she knew about me, he was just looking out for her because she was lonely (I know!).

It turned out that she made a move on him, he freaked out, they fell out because she thought he was leading her on... all a big mess.

It took him absolutely ages to get it sunk into his little head that what I was telling him was right - it was totally inappropriate. He was being a knight in shining armour to some woman who, of course, thought there was more to it! While making me look like a total chump in the process. Silly man.

He didn't see that it was dangerous until it got sticky. He learned. He didn't do it again.

I would be very hurt in your position. You have given up absolutely everything and there he is, treating another woman as though she is his partner.

Quite honestly, I would be selling up, taking my life savings and going back to live near my friends and family. He could do what he wanted.

Yes, he definitely wants something more from her. I'm really sorry. You haven't been together very long, five years, but it's just long enough for him to start to get bored and want to start looking around something else for a bit of fun and attention. Maybe some attention to boost his naff ego.

As previous posters have said, it's nearly always the man that instigates it when there's contact with women (outside of his relationship/marriage.) Loads of women I know have men, (often men older than them, and often colleagues,) who are married - or in a serious relationship, plopping into their DMS and sending messages, trying to make casual conversation and sending little 'funny,' flirty messages. It is probably 19 times out of 20, a man who instigates the contact with a woman he isn't in a relationship with.

I don't know if they do it because they fancy a little bit of a fling or a little bit of flirting, or whether he just wants to puff out his chest and feel like women are interested in him, but it is massively cuntish behaviour and very destructive and upsetting for his wife/girlfriend. I would be calling him out if I were you and telling him you're not accepting it, and he can fuck off if he thinks this behaviour is OK.

Agreed with all the others. Sorry.

I think you're right in letting him know what you've seen: a)he is instigating all these conversations b) he is telling her very personal things that he is not discussing with you c) this is taking place when you are asleep, late at night d) he is showing her photos etc of his life outside of work excluding any mention of you e) he is expressing how important she is to.him with his compliments, pleas not to leave etc.

Acknowledge that ok, you haven't seen anything sexual or any declarations of love or anything but that none of this adds up.to a good picture for you. This is so he can't lean back on 'nothing inappropriate has happened, ive done nothing wrong'.

Ask him to tell you honestly what's going on, both in his head and in real life, you deserve the truth after many years and a big move.

He will minimise any feelings but his reaction will be telling. I don't think this is necessarily beyond redemption but he has to be honest and pull back hard from his colleague.

I think you apologise for looking but don't let that be the only conversation. If he gets angry and defensive, keep calm and focus on the actual issue, he's leaning on her and never mentions you. He knows what that is.

All the best op

Oh no. Emotional affair. He is fixated on her, is continually building on daily emotional intimacy with her and airbrushing you out of the picture entirely.

It sounds like a strong friendship.

However the fact he doesn't ever mention you is a bit concerning. It doesn't mean he is hiding you but it is unusual.

However the fact that you snooped in his phone and read all his messages is more concerning.

There are three of you in this relationship and that's never going to work.

Although there's nothing really wrong with this friendship in theory as there's no sexual content nor obvious flirting the fact he messages her so late,nearly always instigated contact and doesn't ever even mention you are red flags here.

I'm sorry but I think he's hoping she'll give him the green light.

Not mentioning her in text doesn't mean she isn't aware of OP. I can see him wanting discussions of OP and their relationship to be off limits. He isn't looking for relationship support, which is a good thing. Posters would be even angrier if he was texting her about OP and their relationship issues and stresses. It could be a boundary he has.

It doesn't sound like it is romantic in any sense. It is a friendship and different people provide support differently. Work colleagues know the ins and outs and can offer different support than a partner. I rarely discuss in depth my work stress or issues with my partner, it is just another world to his and my work friends get it much more. Sometimes too with hobbies, it is more fun to talk to others who do the same hobby. And men are allowed to seek support from friends and people other than their romantic partner.

I have similar text conversations with a few friends - I am surprised people would say I am having multiple emotional affairs.