Partner leaning on female colleague for emotional support - AIBU?

[daschundthroughthesnow]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. We own a house together, have 2 dogs and I moved to this area (a few hundred miles south of my family) for his job a few years ago. We aren’t yet engaged, nor do we have any children but we are very happy. I haven't seriously brought this up the topic of engagement/marriage for a while but have been meaning to.

He is happy for me to use his laptop and so recently, while working late, some iMessages popped up in the corner of the screen from a female colleague I haven’t heard of before. Her (small) photo shows a very pretty woman who is absolutely his type. I then fell down the rabbit hole of reading their entire message thread and I’m not sure what to make of it. My spidey senses detect something is off.

He messages her a lot. Almost always about work but it’s every day. There’s a lot of emotional support amongst the two of them and I’m never mentioned, nor is her partner (if she has one; I don’t know). He has opened up about feeling low, burnt out and she has encouraged him to access support which he has now done. I was aware he was fed up with work and very stressed but certainly not to this extent. He’s very much leaning on her for this support and not me. They also have hobbies in common that we don't but these aren't discussed much.

He instigates their messages nearly all the time. When she works late, he checks in overnight texting until about 1am, with the messaging beginning at around 10.30pm; so after I've fallen asleep. When she doesn’t reply, he messages again in the morning to see how is. He tells her what a great job she’s doing, how much she deserves to get a promotion that came up and how she’s the only normal colleague he has and how she can’t leave (high turnover, she was offered a promotion elsewhere but has decided to stay put).

I will emphasise, there is nothing really inappropriate sexually as such in the messages. She never seems to message at weekends and much of the content is about their work/colleagues- it’s pretty mundane stuff. He is the one leading the conversations and I think this is what has got my guard up

Our dogs are the same breed as hers and they send fairly regularly dog photos, but again, no mention of me. He’s even sent photos of himself on holiday with his brother and another of him on a stag do, but despite mentioning he was abroad for the week we went away, there was no mention of me, nor any photos of that trip.

AIBU to think this is toeing the line or is this just innocent chat between two close colleagues? I work in a primary school (almost all female colleagues!) and so can’t judge what’s normal. We are otherwise very happy as I say, never had any suspicions of cheating. I’ve been cheated on before and suffer from anxiety but I’ve had a lot of therapy which has really turned it around in the last year - until now and I’ve barely been able to sleep all weekend. He's away at present but I will bring it up once I've got my thoughts straight

Impossible to know if he sees her as more than a friend and you shouldn't have read the messages, however, a few things I wouldn't like.

1. I don't have any friends that I message daily and certainly not long text conversations all the time - does he message his male friends every day?
2. It's after you go to sleep so he's purposely staying up to talk to her and hiding it from you.

1. He doesn't mention you.

I think you should talk to him about it and find out what's going on. It may all be innocent but you clearly aren't comfortable with it and I don't think you're being unreasonable for that.

It does sound like an emotional affair and he shouldn’t get off lightly. But as a PP said it may be that there is some issue that needs resolving. Maybe suggest relate counselling? If he is decent he will do it, if not then you have your answer. My (now husband) had an emotional affair, never actually kissed or anything just very involved with each other, this was when we were both in a stressful living situation and we ended up having counselling and getting past it.

But you did snoop. You read all their messages even though there was nothing inappropriate about them. The trust has gone, you're not even engaged or even talking about it, I don't think this relationship is going to last

How strange, it sounds as though you’re trying to blame OP for her DP’s duplicitous behaviour 🙄

I take a different view @RedHelenB. If she hadn't read those messages, she would've had no idea that her boyfriend was awake till the early hours messaging a woman from work.

what Will you do if you need to separate. I might think it through for a day or two before saying anything.

Let's face it, if he's seeking attention from another woman when he's home with you and there's no other distractions, like kids or illness or a death in the family etc, he is NEVER going to be there for you during real times of need.

In life, you can guarantee that bad/difficult/stressful times will occur and if he can't be fully with you in the good times, he certainly won't be there in bad. So your "partnership" has no future.

You can't rely on him, you can't trust him, the backbone of the relationship is gone, it seems from the outside that he's used you to get the financial side of his life sorted (on the property ladder, sharing bills etc) but he wants another woman for the emotional side; you're now essentially housemates.

Time to put your house on the market and move on.

She wasn’t snooping in his phone. She was using his laptop, which he was perfectly happy about, and a message popped up that concerned her. It would have concerned me too,

OP, the fact that he is sharing details of his life but omitting the most important one - you - says it all I’m afraid. Wishing you all the best, hopefully he will be shocked into seeing how inappropriate this is.

Have to dissent from the majority here.

You've literally found an absence of impropriety. Nothing romantic or sexual. Mostly work chat. And a lot of people, if they're keeping a conversation professional, will deliberately keep their home life out of it. I have a close work colleague with whom I've talked about a lot of our industry worries and woes, and I have no idea whether she even has a partner. I think she might have once briefly mentioned a niece. Zero idea of anything in her personal life except her excellent dog. It's obvious that she's keeping that boundary deliberately.

And if you have stresses/worries about work, it's natural to turn to someone in your field who actually gets the whole picture. I can talk to DP but it's no use practically because he doesn't understand the nuances of my industry. Vice versa - so when he had a specific stress point a few years ago, I specifically told him to talk to a (female!) colleague about it, because I felt I couldn't help. They had a lot of heart-to-hearts and the whole situation was resolved well. I've also had the kind of in-depth heart-to-hearts with people in my industry I couldn't have with DP.

'Slowly, slowly catchee monkey'. He's playing the long game.
He wants in her pants.

Stop wasting your life on him.

I think the fact they’re having long conversations outside of working hours is inappropriate in itself tbh.

Really?!

If I wanted help with a delicate work problem, I certainly wouldn't want to have that conversation in work, or using my work email.

I've also had plenty of long conversations outside work hours with colleagues who have become friends, though that's not the situation here.

@daschundthroughthesnow there may be nothing going on and they may each have told each other via other means that they have a partner (or maybe she doesn’t). Don’t put 2 and 2 together and come up with 5. Say a message from her popped up and you’re curious. Ask if she is in a relationship. Take it from there. I have often had quite intense relationships with work colleagues (not at all sexual nor any intention of being together) because we feel ‘safe’ as we have our own partners and know neither of us has any romantic or sexual interest, so are able to be honest about certain things. At the same time, once I had no clue the person I was taking to fancied me and was horrified that he did. So don’t make assumptions but do test the waters. Let him know that if he were sharing a lot of things you might feel they had crossed a line etc. She might be after him, she might not. He might have given a wrong impression he might not. You can decide once you find out more.

I've been in a similar situation OP, with my DH becoming close to a female colleague. I'm not a jealous person at all, but I felt that this was different - the amount of contact and what I saw as the emotional connection between them. She was married too but didn't seem very happy in her marriage, and DH and I were in the trenches with two very young DC at the time. I talked to DH about it and he pulled back a bit, but as they were working together on a busy stressful project they were still in contact quite a lot. I'm almost certain that nothing physical ever happened between them, and eventually she changed jobs and moved abroad (splitting up with her husband in the process). DH and I are still together and still happy 15 years later. I look back on it as a time when things could have gone either way for us! I do think there was a risk he might have had an affair with her. I'm glad he chose not to.

For me it’s the total erasure of you in his messaging. No reference to you and joint plans but stag do and brother get referenced. Dogs get referenced. Dog photos get exchanged but you are in none of them. Presumably you go out and maybe on holiday; not mentioned.

I have a great male friend and while our WhatsApping is erratic as it’s content led, - if one of us sends a link to something the other is interested it might prompt a long flurry of messages, there’s quite a lot of it, although there are also periods of nothing when we are busy with our other halves or family. However we both always mentioned our other halves and family and a couple of years on, the four of us now socialise and see each other as friends too. He does an activity I’m not as keen on with my DH sometimes. It’s still my friend and I that are in the most contact and are the primary nexus I’d say, but it’s not separate from our lives with our families.

Second biggest red flag in your case is that he’s almost always the initiator.

Unlike some posters, I don’t think we can deduce your DH is actively seeking an affair with her: he might be but he might not. What is clear is that their current correspondence and relationship is not progressing along appropriate lines; it is dangerous to your marriage, he’s too invested and he needs to see it and commit to rectifying it.

He has to commit to protecting your relationship and redirect the focus and energy he’s been putting into supporting her back into his marriage.

Also if my DH was given a transcript of any day of any messages between me and my friend over the course of our friendship, all he’d do is roll his eyes about how on earth we can get so excited about some of the fairly abstruse stuff we message about, there’s nothing that would make him uncomfortable. I’m sure the same goes for my friend’s wife except she’d be less eye-rolling as she shares more of the interests we message about, - just not the one that led to our friendship in the first place.

But, presumably, everyone is aware of this friendship and you would maybe mention you've chatted to your friend or mention your DH to your friend in passing at least.

You would use language like 'we are going out' or 'we have a holiday booked' and everyone is aware of where they stand?

The red flags here are no mention of OP and secrecy around the friendship.

If it is all totally innocent, why would that be?

Exactly right. That’s what I said in the post above. It’s the OP’s total erasure of her in his messaging with his colleague and the way their relationship is separated.

My ex started by talking to a colleague about what was happening in our lives and work related stuff, as a consequence he stopped talking to me. I did talk to him about it but he denied he stopped talking to me. Up to that point we had always talked.
it was the start of him becoming my ex.

So sorry OP, I agree with pp it is the fact the you are never mentioned that screams EA, or at least his interest in her.

If you have poured your life savings in to your joint life and are not yet married I would get ducks in a row inc full financial before throwing the hand granade in.

Not mentioning her in text doesn't mean she isn't aware of OP. I can see him wanting discussions of OP and their relationship to be off limits. He isn't looking for relationship support, which is a good thing. Posters would be even angrier if he was texting her about OP and their relationship issues and stresses. It could be a boundary he has.
But it's not an either/or option between not mentioning OP because he feels that's off limts, or discussing any relationship issues & stresses @musingsinmidlife
He could easily adhere to whatever boundary he feels he's maintaining, AND mention OP, include pics featuring her on their holidays or with their dogs, talk about "when WE did xyz" rather than just "when I did xyz".

It doesn't sound like it is romantic in any sense.
Apart from the fact that he waits til OP goes to bed, then dedicates hours to messaging his colleague every time she's working late, & again in the morning if she hasn't responded.

It is a friendship and different people provide support differently. Work colleagues know the ins and outs and can offer different support than a partner. I rarely discuss in depth my work stress or issues with my partner, it is just another world to his and my work friends get it much more. Sometimes too with hobbies, it is more fun to talk to others who do the same hobby. And men are allowed to seek support from friends and people other than their romantic partner.
Not for 2 1/2 hours a night, to the exclusion of their partner. Not so secretively, & not by airbrishing their partner out of the picture completely.

I have similar text conversations with a few friends - I am surprised people would say I am having multiple emotional affairs.
I doubt you are honing in on solely one friend of the opposite sex, monopolising them for 2 or 3 hours a night, & acting like your partner doesn't exist though. If you're not doing that, of course people wouldn't say you are having EA's.

If the trust has gone, it's because he broke it.

And there is plenty inappropriate about concealing the extent of this friendship, avoiding any mention whatsoever of OP, waiting til OP is asleep before messaging for hours, & sending fulsome compliments to his colleague.

The vast difference here being that you know your DH messages colleague about work issues, you even prompted him to do so when he was stressed.

Whereas OP's partner is concealing his messaging, doing it extensively to one colleague only, deliberately behind OP's back, for hours at a time. Your DH tells you when he's stressed with an issue, & while you may not be able to help with the specific industry, you're aware of what's going on in his internal world & that he's seeking advice/commiseration from a colleague. So it's totally different to what OP is dealing with.

He's messaging this woman without mentioning you for a reason. He doesn't want her to know about you or even with the best spin on it doesn't want to mention you.

There's only one reason a person does that. I would definitely be working out where you stand regarding the property. No doubt when you bring it up he wil tell you you're overreacting. You aren't.

Thanks all. I do agree I shouldn't have looked but it was a particularly fishy looking message initially that drew me in! I've become that partner I hoped I never would but I don't think his actions are entirely innocent so I think it probably was the right thing to do to look

He still away and I need to really get my thoughts straight but i am really grateful for all your advice