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Original poster

To think I don't have to 'Be Kind' to everyone? (TW Domestic Violence)

47 replies

yadaya · 04/12/2022 13:48

NC but been here a while.

My friend has just started seeing someone. He has a reputation for being violent and aggressive, particularly towards women. He's served a significant prison sentence for DV and in the handful of times I've met him he's been possessive towards my friend, has threatened one of my other (female ) friends and started a fight at an event where there were families with kids.
He denies all this or minimises it and my friend has chosen to believe him.

For personal reasons I have a very hard line on DV, my friend knows this and knows the reasons why. I've made it clear that I won't have anything to do with him. I won't be socialising at any Christmas events where he's present as I'm finding his presence in my life very triggering.

On Friday they turned up to an event at the local pub which obviously they are entitled to do. So I finished my drink and left, didn't make a fuss as I'd already explained to my friend that I would do that if we found ourselves in a social situation together.

My friend as done nothing but moan about it all weekend and is now telling me I need to 'be kind' and everyone deserves a second chance.

I'm determined to stand my ground but I'm
starting to doubt myself!

OP posts:
Shinyredbicycle · 04/12/2022 14:00

Don't doubt yourself. You have boundaries which you are entitled to assert.

Just remind your friend that you've already said that you don't want to socialise with him and that isn't up for discussion.

You are being kind. To yourself

VisaGeezer · 04/12/2022 14:01

Your friend is an idiot.

Stay in contact with her though, she'll need you a few months down the line when she's searching for her teeth on the floor.

KitchenFleur · 04/12/2022 14:02

No, don’t doubt yourself!
She’s fooling herself if she thinks he’s going to be any different for her.

VisaGeezer · 04/12/2022 14:02

He's served a significant prison sentence for DV

Some people have some kind of death wish. Anyone mentally normal would be dodging him.

Sprouttreesareamazing · 04/12/2022 14:04

If your friend has dc I would be informing ss..

Original poster
yadaya · 04/12/2022 14:07

Thanks everyone.

This absolutely is my way of looking after my own mental health. I've told her that and she knows why I feel so strongly about it too.

I agree about keeping in touch as she will need support when (not if) it all goes wrong......she's in too deep to see it at the moment but I am real worried for her. Especially at the moment as alcohol and football has been a trigger for him in the past.

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 04/12/2022 14:07

YA 100% NBU

Daydreamreve · 04/12/2022 14:07

VisaGeezer · 04/12/2022 14:01

Your friend is an idiot.

Stay in contact with her though, she'll need you a few months down the line when she's searching for her teeth on the floor.

Harsh but true.

i don’t understand people at times when they happily shack up wIth nut jobs

Original poster
yadaya · 04/12/2022 14:07

Sprouttreesareamazing · 04/12/2022 14:04

If your friend has dc I would be informing ss..

No children thankfully - he has multiple children who he isn't allowed to see though!

OP posts:
Original poster
yadaya · 04/12/2022 14:09

i don’t understand people at times when they happily shack up wIth nut jobs

It's genuinely frightening but he's changed for her apparently and we're all mean for not seeing that!
All I see is a skilled manipulator who is slowly isolating her

OP posts:
pinneddownbytabbies · 04/12/2022 14:10

'Be kind' doesn't mean that you have to put your own feelings aside in order to appease an aggressor. He has already demonstrated what he's like and you've seen it with your own eyes. I wouldn't want to be anywhere near someone like that either.

LaLuz7 · 04/12/2022 14:12

Be kind is nothing but the latest in the string of covert efforts to silence women into submission. Do not accept to be bullied under the guise of promoting kindness.

334bu · 04/12/2022 14:15

"Be kind" is only ever directed towards women trying to assert their boundaries. Women have the right to say no.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/12/2022 14:16

My friend as done nothing but moan about it all weekend and is now telling me I need to 'be kind' and everyone deserves a second chance.
"Mate - I told you what would happen if I saw him, you know why I left, so what is the point of you carping on about it? Stop telling me how I ought to respond to the violent thug you are dating. I will talk about him with you when you NEED me to - ie when he hurts you, which he will. I am not going to be talking about him just because you WANT to so give it a rest or I'll have to distance myself from you too."

If she pushes back - which she probably will, because she is trying to manipulate you into playing Happy Families - explain to her as patiently as you can that he's already exceeded his second chance.
He's done time, he's threatened a woman friend of yours, & he's started a fight at a family event. That's already 3 strikes - so he's out. If she wants to keep dating him that's her choice, & you'll be there for her when she needs you - but you simply will not condone his behaviour or their relationship.

I'm determined to stand my ground but I'm starting to doubt myself!
Don't.
Stay strong for yourself, & for - eventually - your friend.
You may need to see a lot less of her while she's under this thug's spell, but let her know you will still be a safe harbour for her when she sees the light.
Flowers

Original poster
yadaya · 04/12/2022 14:17

LaLuz7 · 04/12/2022 14:12

Be kind is nothing but the latest in the string of covert efforts to silence women into submission. Do not accept to be bullied under the guise of promoting kindness.

This is exactly what I was saying to my DH this morning.

I feel like I'm being painted as hysterical when actually I'm behaving in a reasonable way to protect me and my family.

OP posts:
ChessieDarling · 04/12/2022 14:18

What on earth is she on about ‘deserves a second chance’?! It sounds as tho he’s had several ‘second chances’ even before he got with your friend and has had even more since being with her!! He threatened one of your other friends and she’s still standing by the scumbag.
You did nothing wrong, I’d feel the same as you.

HermioneWeasley · 04/12/2022 14:20

YANBU. Whenever I hear “be kind” it seems to mean “have no boundaries”

Original poster
yadaya · 04/12/2022 14:20

KettrickenSmiled · 04/12/2022 14:16

My friend as done nothing but moan about it all weekend and is now telling me I need to 'be kind' and everyone deserves a second chance.
"Mate - I told you what would happen if I saw him, you know why I left, so what is the point of you carping on about it? Stop telling me how I ought to respond to the violent thug you are dating. I will talk about him with you when you NEED me to - ie when he hurts you, which he will. I am not going to be talking about him just because you WANT to so give it a rest or I'll have to distance myself from you too."

If she pushes back - which she probably will, because she is trying to manipulate you into playing Happy Families - explain to her as patiently as you can that he's already exceeded his second chance.
He's done time, he's threatened a woman friend of yours, & he's started a fight at a family event. That's already 3 strikes - so he's out. If she wants to keep dating him that's her choice, & you'll be there for her when she needs you - but you simply will not condone his behaviour or their relationship.

I'm determined to stand my ground but I'm starting to doubt myself!
Don't.
Stay strong for yourself, & for - eventually - your friend.
You may need to see a lot less of her while she's under this thug's spell, but let her know you will still be a safe harbour for her when she sees the light.
Flowers

Thank you ❤️
You are right.

It could be a tough few months for us all

OP posts:
Whiskeypowers · 04/12/2022 14:20

You are absolutely right. I have no time for that be kind Bs especially when in the majority of contexts such as this it means overlook the elephant in the room which is that he’s a violent abusive psycho.

Can nobody convince her to do a Clare’s law disclosure request?
There is only so much you can do but it most certainly does not involve turning a blind eye to what this man is and exposing yourself to more trauma.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/12/2022 14:21

yadaya · 04/12/2022 14:09

i don’t understand people at times when they happily shack up wIth nut jobs

It's genuinely frightening but he's changed for her apparently and we're all mean for not seeing that!
All I see is a skilled manipulator who is slowly isolating her

This is a highly seductive myth that girls are conditioned into from birth.
Stand By Your Man bullshit mixed with fairytale tropes about being The One Who Changed Him. The Princess whose rare beauty & warm heart tamed a warrior.

It's an ego trap - all those other women he beat up obviously weren't as Special & Deserving. He won't hit her, because she will make it her life's work to Be Everything He Needed To Become A Good Man.

Excuse me, I need to go & quietly vomit ...

Whiskeypowers · 04/12/2022 14:22

KettrickenSmiled · 04/12/2022 14:16

My friend as done nothing but moan about it all weekend and is now telling me I need to 'be kind' and everyone deserves a second chance.
"Mate - I told you what would happen if I saw him, you know why I left, so what is the point of you carping on about it? Stop telling me how I ought to respond to the violent thug you are dating. I will talk about him with you when you NEED me to - ie when he hurts you, which he will. I am not going to be talking about him just because you WANT to so give it a rest or I'll have to distance myself from you too."

If she pushes back - which she probably will, because she is trying to manipulate you into playing Happy Families - explain to her as patiently as you can that he's already exceeded his second chance.
He's done time, he's threatened a woman friend of yours, & he's started a fight at a family event. That's already 3 strikes - so he's out. If she wants to keep dating him that's her choice, & you'll be there for her when she needs you - but you simply will not condone his behaviour or their relationship.

I'm determined to stand my ground but I'm starting to doubt myself!
Don't.
Stay strong for yourself, & for - eventually - your friend.
You may need to see a lot less of her while she's under this thug's spell, but let her know you will still be a safe harbour for her when she sees the light.
Flowers

Men like him shouldn’t even get a second chance but yes I agree with your post

Original poster
yadaya · 04/12/2022 14:23

ChessieDarling · 04/12/2022 14:18

What on earth is she on about ‘deserves a second chance’?! It sounds as tho he’s had several ‘second chances’ even before he got with your friend and has had even more since being with her!! He threatened one of your other friends and she’s still standing by the scumbag.
You did nothing wrong, I’d feel the same as you.

Exactly! I'm actually quite angry with her for standing by him after he threatened our friend.

I have to remind my set that she's being manipulated but I'm mad at her too.

OP posts:
LadyEloise1 · 04/12/2022 14:24

KettrickenSmiled · 04/12/2022 14:16

My friend as done nothing but moan about it all weekend and is now telling me I need to 'be kind' and everyone deserves a second chance.
"Mate - I told you what would happen if I saw him, you know why I left, so what is the point of you carping on about it? Stop telling me how I ought to respond to the violent thug you are dating. I will talk about him with you when you NEED me to - ie when he hurts you, which he will. I am not going to be talking about him just because you WANT to so give it a rest or I'll have to distance myself from you too."

If she pushes back - which she probably will, because she is trying to manipulate you into playing Happy Families - explain to her as patiently as you can that he's already exceeded his second chance.
He's done time, he's threatened a woman friend of yours, & he's started a fight at a family event. That's already 3 strikes - so he's out. If she wants to keep dating him that's her choice, & you'll be there for her when she needs you - but you simply will not condone his behaviour or their relationship.

I'm determined to stand my ground but I'm starting to doubt myself!
Don't.
Stay strong for yourself, & for - eventually - your friend.
You may need to see a lot less of her while she's under this thug's spell, but let her know you will still be a safe harbour for her when she sees the light.
Flowers

Great post💐

VisaGeezer · 04/12/2022 14:25

KettrickenSmiled · 04/12/2022 14:21

This is a highly seductive myth that girls are conditioned into from birth.
Stand By Your Man bullshit mixed with fairytale tropes about being The One Who Changed Him. The Princess whose rare beauty & warm heart tamed a warrior.

It's an ego trap - all those other women he beat up obviously weren't as Special & Deserving. He won't hit her, because she will make it her life's work to Be Everything He Needed To Become A Good Man.

Excuse me, I need to go & quietly vomit ...

Show quote history

The poster's insight and articulacy (I know that's not a word) are always superb.

Suzi888 · 04/12/2022 14:25

I hate “be kind”. YANBU.