To think I don't have to 'Be Kind' to everyone? (TW Domestic Violence)

[yadaya]

NC but been here a while.

My friend has just started seeing someone. He has a reputation for being violent and aggressive, particularly towards women. He's served a significant prison sentence for DV and in the handful of times I've met him he's been possessive towards my friend, has threatened one of my other (female ) friends and started a fight at an event where there were families with kids.
He denies all this or minimises it and my friend has chosen to believe him.

For personal reasons I have a very hard line on DV, my friend knows this and knows the reasons why. I've made it clear that I won't have anything to do with him. I won't be socialising at any Christmas events where he's present as I'm finding his presence in my life very triggering.

On Friday they turned up to an event at the local pub which obviously they are entitled to do. So I finished my drink and left, didn't make a fuss as I'd already explained to my friend that I would do that if we found ourselves in a social situation together.

My friend as done nothing but moan about it all weekend and is now telling me I need to 'be kind' and everyone deserves a second chance.

I'm determined to stand my ground but I'm
starting to doubt myself!

I'm sure he's overcome his "anger" problems and his rough childhood too.

Except men with "anger" problems only ever seem to take them out on women, kids (and occasionally men who won't trounce them) .... And plenty of people who had abusive childhoods don't abuse others.

This is a highly seductive myth that girls are conditioned into from birth.
Stand By Your Man bullshit mixed with fairytale tropes about being The One Who Changed Him. The Princess whose rare beauty & warm heart tamed a warrior.

It's an ego trap - all those other women he beat up obviously weren't as Special & Deserving. He won't hit her, because she will make it her life's work to Be Everything He Needed To Become A Good Man.

Excuse me, I need to go & quietly vomit ...

This is EXACTLY what is happening. She's a highly intelligent woman yet can't see this.

Shes an utter fool, but she will need a friend when he starts knocking her about - which he almost certainly will. Try and keep in touch with her on the quiet, so he doesn't drive you away as well.

She won't do a Clare's law request as she thinks there's no point. As he's been so'honest' about his past she doesn't see the need as she knows they'll tell her she's at risk.

he has multiple children who he isn't allowed to see though!

Of course he does.

Their propensity for beating women always seems to match with a corresponding inability to put a condom on their dick.

Most men I know who beat women want pretty much total control over them; pregnancy and kids are also a way to get control over a woman so I suppose it fits.

The poster's insight and articulacy (I know that's not a word) are always superb.

Articulacy IS TOO a word @VisaGeezer & thank you v much for your kindness - you too @LadyEloise1
Although I can assure you that many PP consider me a raging arsehole ... 😂

I don’t see what else you can do. I’m assuming she is cognisant of your own circumstances?

I would just put the friendship on hold and just hope that no babies come along which is sadly often the case with me and relationships of this nature. Then of course it all changes.

he knows exactly what he is doing.

YANBU. Be kind is a load of shite. I tell my kids that when people say be kind, they need to remember to be kind to themselves as well. And when it comes to others, 'don't be unkind' is fine

You haven't done anything wrong, you've not actually done anything that affects him at all, you just don't want to socialise with him. Which is absolutely fine

In most of their cases I would take it as a huge compliment 😉

Yanbu op I’ve done similar. One of my closest friends and she went back to her abuser and I couldn’t cope at all. She’s just married him and I feel sick for her. Unfortunately she also cut me out this time, but I know she has other friends who she can turn to so I don’t dwell too much on it anymore.

sometimes we’ve just gotta protect ourselves we can’t hand hold someone else forever

'I have to remind my set that she's being manipulated but I'm mad at her too.'

Don't blame you one bit. There is absolutely no helping some people. She's going to have to learn the hard way. You're doing great, and I really respect you for refusing to nod and smile along. And as for 'be kind'..... It's a useful phrase when teaching nursery age children to get along with each other. Adults who come out with it in adult situations sound pretty pathetic

😂😂😂
Excuse the appalled guffaw of disbelief OP.
She is seriously deluded.

How does she imagine "they" even know she is on this guy's radar, let alone presumably sitting in a hi-tech lair somewhere, ready to spring to her aid when they mysteriously perceive she is at risk?
Does she even have any notion of who "they" are?

Are you able to ask for a Clare's request yourself OP - or ask if the friend who was threatened would make one? Your friend is so enmeshed she will probably pooh=pooh even documented evidence (see 'i will change him' myths) - but having it in black & white would be useful. Not least because I suspect your entire friendship group is going to need to stand strong on this one, & ensuring that every friend knows this is NOT rumour or hearsay is important.

NB by standing strong as a group I don't mean excluding her.
It's going to be tough times ahead as you say - this is not an easy balancing act - ensuring you don't interact with him, but urging her to stay as close as possible so he can't use that as a lever to isolate her with.
But she needs to hear & see ALL her friends cold shouldering her beau. Pretending to go along with her will only feed her delusion.

You are being kind by not repeatedly highlighting his aggressive and intimidating behaviour every time you see her or him and not telling everyone who will listened what he's actually like and what he's done in his past.

You're also being kind by staying in touch with your friend because you know she'll need you at some point in the future because of his behaviour, manipulation and violence.

Fuck being nice to him and letting him feel in control of everything. That's not kindness, that's submission and you owe nobody that. Well done for being clear on your boundaries and sticking with them.

Be kind is a good message until it's twisted for this sort of toxic positivity which includes ignoring your arsehole siren...

YADNBU OP.

Has she any children?

Cheers @Whiskeypowers

100% stick to yoir guns, and you might want to warn her that if she becomes pregnant with his baby the social services will remove the baby immediately if she continues the relationship.
I hate all this "be kind" shit. It basically translates into "I will do what the fuck I like and you must suck it up"
And that is what I repeat every time someone tells me I must "be kind"

She doesn't have to be the one to do it. You can request it. They don't tell you the details but they will visit her and give her the true picture if they feel she is in danger from him.
Anyone can do a Claire's law request. It doesn't have to be the person who is in a relationship with the dangerous wanker.

This isn't a popular suggestion but be kind to yourself first - every time you talk to her remember she is likely to report what you say back to him. Whatever support you offer her needs to be entirely on your own terms and with your own safety in mind.

I've looked into doing a Clare's law myself but I don't know his date of birth.

No, thankfully.

He has children though - but only has supervised access

Thank you. Exactly what I needed to hear