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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if your child has adhd what behavioural techniques helped them?

48 replies

ajarintennessee · 04/12/2022 13:45

I suppose the AIBU bit is that I don’t think my ds has adhd but I do think if it’s a spectrum he is close to it but wouldn’t get diagnosed, if that makes sense. I’ve ummed and ahhed about seeing a psychologist or similar for years and have decided to pursue a referral.
He’s 7. He’s healthy, happy, funny, smart, tall and strong and very very active. Can run all day long, it’s a struggle to get him to bed before 9. He is I think great at school, but at home he has very poor impulse control. A recent example is I went to my parents, he leaped on the kitchen bench and I snatched him back before he knocked a bowl off. Grandma reminded him we don’t climb on kitchen benches. Seconds later he jumps on top of the other one, knocking a glass of water off. His justification was he didn’t realise it’s a kitchen bench because it’s a different height. We had lunch, and after I called him to help clean up. I called 8 times then went to get him. Which instantly made it a game and he went to run away.
He started clearing salad dressing and instead of putting the bottle away shook it. The lid wasn’t on tight so some dressing shook over several cupboards and floor so we had to clean that up.

I have lots of these. I just think his and our life could be easier if he could improve his ability to think before he acts? So I’m very interested in what has helped other people?

OP posts:
Fireweeds · 04/12/2022 13:47

Following with interest. The only thing I’ve come up with so far is totally trying to anticipate what they might think is a great idea before they do it. I would like to stop spending as much time saying No and Don’t!

yoshiblue · 04/12/2022 13:51

Our son was diagnosed at 8 and we personally found his symptoms increased massively in the year aged 7-8.

We have gone down the medication route for our son and it's been transformational. A very personal decision but I'd progress with an assessment and see what is proposed re:treatment.

In the meantime, I've tried to parent with as much kindness as possible but some situations can be frustrating and tiring to deal with.

FunctionalSkills · 04/12/2022 13:55

I think realising that they are struggling with executive function. So simple instructions. Simple prompts, not overwhelming tasks like "Tidy your room" but "lets pick up the plates".

And lots of exercise.

Bywayofanupdate · 04/12/2022 13:57

My eldest has adhd and I suspect my middle child does too (as do I!!). With my eldest changing my language helped, as well as lots of praise when things went well and anticipating things.
So language wise for example, instead of "don't jump on the bench" it would be "walk around the bench please" or "let's sit nicely on the bench". It works really well.

lookersnoopy · 04/12/2022 14:00

What are the consequences for this behaviour?

Sirzy · 04/12/2022 14:01

Very clear expectations and warning of change and what is going to happen next.

so when having the meal explain “when you have finished eating I need you to help tidy up THEN you can go and play” - things like now and next boards and visual timetables can help.

when cleaning up make what you want done clear so “first put the bottle in the fridge and then put the bread away in the cupboard” type things. Keep instructions clear and short. Again visual aids can be helpful.

deeperthanallroses · 05/12/2022 10:17

Thanks all, I’m reading. I think I have tried the clear sequential instructions, and he’s not terrible at that. I did a sort of visual aid for school mornings and didn’t see a clear response to that.
I have also tried do not don’t language, probably not consistently given I have to be pretty responsive. I think the impulse is the biggest challenge and the meltdowns. If you see my example of jumping on the bench and shaking the salad dressing, it was just think of it and do it and any prior knowledge that he’s been told 10,000 times not to just disappears.
lookersnoopy, do you have a point to make? We do consequences - he helped me clean up the salad dressing. We do time in his room to calm down, or sitting where I can see him. We do no treats, or tv time cut down due to time needed to tidy his mess etc, various consequences. I think we are good parents who try to establish firm boundaries.

lookersnoopy · 05/12/2022 10:19

lookersnoopy, do you have a point to make?

Not at all. I was merely asking a question with the intention of offering advice based on the answer.

It wasn't a criticism of your parenting. I shall bow out now.

Bergmum · 05/12/2022 10:32

The problem is that with ADHD consequences will not stop the behaviour next time.
I do try to get my son to stop and think but his brain is so far ahead that I don't think he's processing the action until after he's done it.
He's definitely better at 11 than he was at 7 though.

SteamedBun · 05/12/2022 10:38

I don’t find anything rephrased makes that much difference with my family member. I just have to say please look at me and then I repeat it when I know they’re reading or watching something else or just preoccupied. Distraction seems to be the issue causing not hearing me speak. Not a lack of understanding of what is required. It’s hard and frustrating and I don’t handle it brilliantly when I’m tired or in a rush.

BumbleShyBee · 05/12/2022 10:39

Reducing his cognitive load - ie making things easier for him so he doesn't need to think about them. For example, putting his school uniform in a specific spot in his room and in the order the clothes need to be put on - eg underwear, shirt, shorts, socks.
The basics - good diet, sleep (Google how many hours are required for his age), plenty of exercise. Can't stress exercise enough.
Good routines and consistency.
Omega -3 and magnesium supplements.

Echobelly · 05/12/2022 10:42

If anyone has advice on inattentive ADHD and homework for an 11 year old, I'd be grateful. Marriage almost ended yesterday over bloody homework!

caringcarer · 05/12/2022 11:24

Consultant told me to buy a trampoline and get D's bouncing for 20 mins before school and 20 mins after school. Plus more at weekends. It is true physical activity help as burns up their energy so they are calmer.

Original poster
ajarintennessee · 05/12/2022 12:19

We have a trampoline and a climbing frame, and he does gymnastics, football, basketball, athletics, and runs all day long. Other parents talked of the quality time they had talking with their child on walks in lockdowns, I dressed mine in bright yellow so I could see him when he’d sprinted ahead to the far end of the block (he’d wait once he got to the road or run back, he wouldn’t just run across roads)
I’d be a rich woman if I had a penny for every one who’s said oh he will sleep well for you tonight! As they watch him sprint around. No, he didn’t….

@lookersnoopy I’m sorry if I seemed overly sensitive but it did seem a bit of an open shotgun fire of a sentence. You could have added something about why, I'm obviously going to be a bit sensitive about how I’m parenting my child since it’s clearly not a walk in the park.

OP posts:
lookersnoopy · 05/12/2022 16:45

I’m sorry if I seemed overly sensitive but it did seem a bit of an open shotgun fire of a sentence. You could have added something about why,

Apologies, it didn't occur to me. I'm autistic so just focused on the question Blush

I'm obviously going to be a bit sensitive about how I’m parenting my child since it’s clearly not a walk in the park.

If it helps I was actually thinking the opposite of the judgement you think I was making. Usual consequences don't work, that was all.

Sorry for not being clear, not malice meant at all.

venusandmars · 05/12/2022 17:12

@ajarintennessee and @lookersnoopy well done both of you for coming back to this and explaining - that is so nice to see on a forum where there has recently been so much bad grace Flowers

I'm reading because I have a family member very similar to you, OP. Obviously puts every ounce of mental/emotional effort into behaving 'well' in the classroom, but then has no energy left to do the same at home.

Spendonsend · 05/12/2022 17:37

I think its a slow process and im not sure of many actual techniques to change it other than maturity.

With my son we have worked on him recognising his energy state and having in mind things to do to calm down as he is more impulsive when he is hyper.for instance sometimes its great to bounce for twenty minutes and its the right thing to do as he has energy to burn but other times that just makeshim feel even bouncier and actually what was needed was to carry a heavy around or push against something that is resistant.

NoShrunking · 05/12/2022 17:50

Agree with @BumbleShyBee about Omega3 and magnesium, it does help. Also protein at every single meal, especially breakfast.

However, this only makes a small difference round the edges. From your description, I think there is a good chance that he would get a diagnosis. My DD has one and she is nothing like as impulsive or chaotic, but she really could not cope with the organisational challenges of secondary school.

And with a diagnosis, you can access medication, which has been genuinely life changing for my DD. There's no shame in it - you wouldn't tell a short-sighted child to just learn to manage without glasses. Also, you might then be able to access melatonin which is a game changer for the sleep...

Devilledmeg · 05/12/2022 20:59

Also watching for ideas

Bergmum · 05/12/2022 22:10

For various reasons we decided not to put my son on medication however there is something interesting that you may want to try.
Someone inadvertently gave my kids strong ice coffee in the holidays. Two of the kids were hyped up and couldn't sleep but my son with ADHD was calmer and fell asleep easily. He now regularly has a coffee in the morning and he finds it helps him focus.

So just a suggestion that some of you may want to try as an experiment.

Tomatoeplantpants · 05/12/2022 22:17

I tried absolutely everything, I read every book, spoke to as many professionals as I could as I really did not want to go down the medication route. In the end my child asked to try to medication and it’s been fantastic. They are calm, focused, less stressed, depressed, they feel like they have control over themselves and their life and in turn I am no longer tying myself up in knots trying to anticipate their next impulsive move. Wish we had just done this years ago.
Good luck with your journey.

JessicaBrassica · 05/12/2022 22:24

Bergmum · 05/12/2022 22:10

For various reasons we decided not to put my son on medication however there is something interesting that you may want to try.
Someone inadvertently gave my kids strong ice coffee in the holidays. Two of the kids were hyped up and couldn't sleep but my son with ADHD was calmer and fell asleep easily. He now regularly has a coffee in the morning and he finds it helps him focus.

So just a suggestion that some of you may want to try as an experiment.

Most ADHD medication is stimulant based so that is entirely consistent with what you'd find with meds - without having to go down the route of consistent meds!
My colleague with ADHD is completely off the wall without a lot of coffee... She doesn't like it but drinks it because it helps!

aloris · 05/12/2022 22:44

In the case of shaking the bottle and the contents going everywhere, I would have him clean it up. That is more likely to get stored into long term memory as a logical consequence. Picture boards did not work for my child as he couldn't quickly do even one of the things on the board, let alone follow all the steps on the board! Eventually I just learned to leave LOTS of time for time-sensitive tasks like getting ready for school on time.

In retrospect, something else that would have helped would have been having less stuff, so that his impulsive actions (knocking things over, making a mess, not being able to find his possessions) would have less of an effect on our day. I was trying to have him learn to tidy up after himself but it was just a merry-go-round of things like him pulling out a drawer too roughly and all the contents being knocked on the floor, and before I could have him put them back, he would be off knocking over something else, and within minutes the entire room looked like a tornado went through it, all before 8 am. Anyway, my point is that with less stuff, there is less to be knocked over, and therefore less need to be getting him to tidy it up. Likewise, if you have less stuff, it is easier for him to find the things he needs, even if he accidentally dumps the whole drawer on the floor.

There is something called "intrusive parenting" that parents can do, and I think mums with kids who have ADHD can be prone to it, just because our kids are often not doing things properly that other kids their age can do. So there is a temptation to always be stepping in and teaching them, but when you think about this from their point of view, it means all day long someone is criticising them. Something that helped for my child was prioritising what he needed to learn. Focusing efforts on critical skills like crossing the street safely, for example. Other skills you can let him make more errors, and that way he will learn more about his own learning process. For example, if he puts on his socks inside out, what will happen? Probably nothing other than maybe being slightly uncomfortable. But letting him make the mistake of inside-out socks, takes away one area where you have to intrude, and that leaves more mental room to focus on big things like safety or whatever is important for your child in his own environment. But if they learn something in one of those areas that is not your top priority, you need to still notice that and give them some validation.

NerdyBird · 05/12/2022 22:50

Bergmum · 05/12/2022 22:10

For various reasons we decided not to put my son on medication however there is something interesting that you may want to try.
Someone inadvertently gave my kids strong ice coffee in the holidays. Two of the kids were hyped up and couldn't sleep but my son with ADHD was calmer and fell asleep easily. He now regularly has a coffee in the morning and he finds it helps him focus.

So just a suggestion that some of you may want to try as an experiment.

How old was your son? I was thinking about whether coffee would work on my dd but she is only 8. No diagnosis but there is definitely something going on with her.

Hankunamatata · 05/12/2022 22:52

I bleat on about it but I found this course amazing - did it free via zoom with lea. But you can also but copies of book online
incredibleyears.com/

Clear consequences to bad behaviour. I find counting down from 5 useful and avoids the running away scenario. When I get to one there is an expected pre agreed consequence.

Bedtimes we have to make super calm. So no tv or electronics 2 hours before bed. Usually, we play a fairly quiet card game or board game then 30 mins of reading or older dc have audio books.