Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why my ex has to keep phoning me constantly when he has our dd?

37 replies

Anon778833 · 04/12/2022 11:44

Our dd is nearly 3. She's generally a very easy child. My ex has her every weekend from Saturday at about 2pm til Sunday afternoon, when he brings her home. This is what he wanted. I would be happy for every other weekend.

Lately, when he has her her starts FaceTiming me over and over from 8am onwards saying she wants to talk to me . Usually, I'm rushing around trying to get things done before our child comes home.

I don't mind if she really wants to speak to me or is upset or something. But it feels like he wants to speak to me. I also start to wonder if he is able to cope with her since he seems to need my input every single time he has a minor challenge like trying to get her to sleep.

I suppose I feel that he is giving her the message that she can't rely on him when she's at his house.

Other line parents, is this a usual thing? The father of my oldest two girls didn't used to keep phoning me when he was having contact time with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon778833 · 04/12/2022 11:45

Lone parents*

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 04/12/2022 11:48

Tell him that he needs to be more self-sufficient and to work things out for himself. And then stop answering!

Tell him he can text if it really is an emergency, otherwise you wont' be answering. Throw it back and say how you never bother him with questions.

Original poster
Anon778833 · 04/12/2022 12:19

He's hard work about everything.

OP posts:
Sprouttreesareamazing · 04/12/2022 12:20

Imo you need to insist on eow. When dd starts school you aren't going to have much time if he has every week end...

growinggreyer · 04/12/2022 12:24

People can't Facetime you if you put your device away in a drawer/your handbag while you are busy. Put it on silent and check it every couple of hours. You don't need 24/7 availability - you are not the RAC!

Singleandproud · 04/12/2022 12:27

It's a bout control. You can't get on with your life, do fun things, meet a new man if he is in contact with you every two minutes.

You can try two approaches 1) If he can't look after her independently and get her to sleep then he can have her Saturday 08:00 - 18:00 (or whatever time is reasonable for her) and only calls in emergencies
2) He has her EOW to sleep and learns how to parent and only calls in an emergency and perhaps a bedtime call for DD to you but that can make settling worse.

Him having her every weekend is a rubbish arrangement for you, it means you do all the drudge work and don't get any fun time with her. We were supposed to be EOW but DD didn't like settling and sleeping at his so we went for one day a weekend each which worked for us.

DesertIslandCondiment · 04/12/2022 12:27

Does he still have feelings for you?

Mh DH never messaged his ex when he had the kids unless he really had to. They were older though.

BoschBoschBosch · 04/12/2022 12:29

My ex does this, I agree it is about control - and him trying to be in contact with you himself in whatever way possible. I have stopped taking the calls. It's very rarely actually the dc wanting to speak to me.

PeppermintChoc · 04/12/2022 12:31

I would take the view that you will answer his messages at set points during the day - save for emergency. My DH has this rule with his ex as she would frequently call for what felt like a chat and you just end up getting caught in meaningless convo. He will answer everything when he’s finished work/knows kids are in bed (she can be quite volatile so he doesn’t like to enter into anything that might be heated whilst the kids are around). It’s just setting boundaries. I would be annoyed if my Dh rang me for input about our shared children when I was away.

Conversely his ex asked him not to call her at all when he has their son. In the past this has been for over two weeks that she hasn’t had contact. She says she wants to switch off and not hear from him.

I guess in an ideal world somewhere in the middle is probably best. But you might need to set firm boundaries whilst he adjusts to your new expectations.

Autumntimeagain · 04/12/2022 12:36

It's definitely about control. He doesn't want you to actually have any 'free' time at all, does he ?

Next time, tell your DC (and Ex) that you are going to be busy shopping or seeing friends/family, so you won't be able to face time at all, but that you'll be looking forward to seeing them tomorrow.

Then do NOT answer any calls or face time requests at ALL !

He doesn't have your DC for long, but when he does, it's up to him to keep them happy and occupied, NOT you !

Luredbyapomegranate · 04/12/2022 12:38

It’s not normal

Just tell him he’s a capable man and it’s important for her that he learns to parent in his own style.

In an emergency he can call, but please try and sort out the issue first.

No FaceTime.

StoneColdMedusa · 04/12/2022 12:40

Buy him a parenting book for Christmas and put your phone on silent

PeppermintChoc · 04/12/2022 12:44

I think the control thing is spot on. DH’s ex is in contact a lot less when she’s in a relationship. He says he wont hear from her at all. He jokes he knows when it’s off because she’ll call him twice a day again.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/12/2022 06:28

If you need to wean off, wait until the call stops then text, "can't FT, is something wrong?".

I don't FT anyone without prior arrangement. It's so intrusive.

Newmum1998 · 05/12/2022 06:34

My ex used to do this and it was about keeping tabs on me and control.
I ended up needing to get a non harassment order in place as he was unhinged. Now he can’t contact or approach me at all.
Don’t tolerate it

Saffers85 · 05/12/2022 06:44

Mine used to do this.
Or send me pictures of the kids and save a reply.How long have you been split up?
I had to tell mine in the end,he started to try and worm back in and the calls and pictures were part of a plan to make me feel sad about our family being broken.
which was ironic seeing as he left me.
I told him my time was my time and to only call in an emergency.

Saffers85 · 05/12/2022 06:45

No idea why that says save a reply.
I meant want a reply.

tunthebloodyalarmoff · 05/12/2022 06:48

Don't answer

gamerchick · 05/12/2022 06:48

He's checking you're not with a man OP.

Beautiful3 · 05/12/2022 07:25

I wouldn't pick up for a few hours. You don't have to keep answering it. Think I'd tell him not to keep face timing unless it's really necessary.

Pheefifofuckthisshit · 05/12/2022 10:10

Nope it's not normal. Tell him to only contact you in an emergency. It's not like he has her for a whole week or something! It's one overnight!

He's doing it to intrude on your time and keep tabs. When my child this age is with his dad overnight I am not awake to be face timing at 8am. Selfish controlling twat!!

Send him a message saying no more facetime and if there's an emergency then he can get in touch, otherwise you'll see them on Sunday at x time.

Cheerily wave your child off reminding them mummy can't face time but you'll see them tomorrow.

I agree about the whole weekend every week by the way. Could he have her for tea one night mid week? And then eow? Or do Friday tea to sat aft, or sat tea to sun tea. At least then you'd have a full weekend day with her.

Original poster
Anon778833 · 05/12/2022 10:18

He's turning it back on me, saying that I don't care enough about her to take 2 minutes out of my day to FT her.

He's a joke. Nobody loves that child more than me.

OP posts:
Katapolts · 05/12/2022 10:23

Anon778833 · 05/12/2022 10:18

He's turning it back on me, saying that I don't care enough about her to take 2 minutes out of my day to FT her.

He's a joke. Nobody loves that child more than me.

So? Why do you care about his opinion.

I wouldn't even respond.

Theskyisfallingdown · 05/12/2022 10:23

So by his logic, he doesn’t care about his kid because he can’t even parent her for 24hrs 😄 ‘ok, so you’ll be going for 50/50 parenting then? If you think I don’t care about her, surely you’ll be wanting to parent her equally.’

Shut the deadbeat down.

Theskyisfallingdown · 05/12/2022 10:26

As with any absolute failure of a man, deny him free access to communicate with you. He is to have an email address only that he is to contact you by and you will check it at your own leisure, once a week. He does not get to contact you by phone or text.

Swipe left for the next trending thread