To wonder why my ex has to keep phoning me constantly when he has our dd?

[Anon778833]

Our dd is nearly 3. She's generally a very easy child. My ex has her every weekend from Saturday at about 2pm til Sunday afternoon, when he brings her home. This is what he wanted. I would be happy for every other weekend.

Lately, when he has her her starts FaceTiming me over and over from 8am onwards saying she wants to talk to me . Usually, I'm rushing around trying to get things done before our child comes home.

I don't mind if she really wants to speak to me or is upset or something. But it feels like he wants to speak to me. I also start to wonder if he is able to cope with her since he seems to need my input every single time he has a minor challenge like trying to get her to sleep.

I suppose I feel that he is giving her the message that she can't rely on him when she's at his house.

Other line parents, is this a usual thing? The father of my oldest two girls didn't used to keep phoning me when he was having contact time with them.

It doesn't matter what he says about you, lordy, the man can't look after his own child, clearly he is utterly incompetent!

You need to disengage. Kindly but firmly switch off devices and be unavailable. He may ramp it up a bit but definitely don't let on that you have noticed, just carry on and eventually he will have to figure things out for himself.

It isn't at all that he cannot do things for her, it is that involving you means you are not "off duty" and therefore out of his control.

Just ignore his calls, he'll soon give up.

You don't need to reply to stupid people who are unpleasant to you. Stop caring about his opinion. As PP said, say he can text in an emergency and ignore all other communication. Drop the rope, don't respond.

Does he facetime her every day when he doesn't have her then?

My ex used to do this. Constant updates and calls. He has the DC every weekend Friday night to Sunday night and this works well for us. I think it was a combination of wanting to know what I was up to, struggling to keep the kids busy/occupied, a lack of confidence and a lack of anyone to share things about the kids with. We have been separated for eight years now and although he does still send some updates, which I know is because he just wants to share things about them with someone who cares about them as much as he does, the very frequent contact hasn't been in issue for as long as I can remember.

I would just tell him that his time is his time, so that your DC can spend time with him. Not so she can facetime you and that you advise he distarcts her instead of calling as you won't be available.

You know you care about her. You don't need the review of a frankly crappy father to assume you of that.

This is what the thumbs up emoji was made for.

Assure you!

This is about him monitoring you.

Otherwise he could just phone, and phone occasionally in case of genuine need.

He wants to be able to visually check you and subject you to the experience of being observed. This gives him a sense of power.

The interruption to what you're doing is another power trip.

He's using your child to get under your skin and into your head.

Keep a log of the calls he makes over the next few weekends, and send a copy of the log to him. Make it clear that you love talking to DD, but you are finding the number of calls an intrusion at this point, and that you will send an email with parenting advice plus links to helpful parenting websites (Kellymom for example) if he is struggling.

If the calls continue in the same pattern after he gets your letter, ypu need to go back to family court if this arrangement is court ordered, and get EOW visitation instead. You and DD need relaxed weekend time together and if DD genuinely wants to talk to you then she may feel she's only getting frazzled weekday mummy and has no time to have fun with you.

See if you can include in the order a stipulation that he do a parenting course, if he is finding basic elements of parenting DD difficult.

Another element needs to be a requirement that phone contact on visitation weekends needs to be limited to reasonable and necessary contact only, with perhaps a few examples - time and place of any activities DD is going to (swimming lessons, parties she's been invited to), a bedtime call to / from DD, a call to notify of any delay in bringing her back or picking her up, a call if DD becomes ill. There should be a stipulation that excessive calls are not allowed.

If this arrangement isn't court ordered then you need to go to court and get the EOW and some control over your ex's contact with you.

You can argue that you love and miss your DD so much, and clearly she misses you too or she wouldn't want to FT so much while she's with him, that you want a fairer weekend arrangement so she can enjoy weekend time and fun activities with both parents.

In my view he could just be struggling - my oh (and my mum) have both interrupted my work etc variously over the years saying DD wants me.

He would do well to work harder to develop more successful techniques to maintain your dd’s attention, so suggest not answering, so he can hopefully do that.

He wants to make sure that you're not dating or having a life.
Not normal to call unless it's an emergency. In 10 years ex has called me when ds forgot housekey and I wasn't at home , dd needed to be returned early because of an emergency and when ds was taken to hospital (all urgent)

Turn your phone off or on silent

Perhaps try the same tactic as him for a week. Face time him every day at 8am and see how he likes it.

Tell him this arrangement isn't working and perhaps he would like to get custody formally addressed with the court. Cos they won't be giving him every weekend.

He’s making sure you’re not dating