I’m hoping some of you can help me on what to do regarding my DM and holidays.
My DM is 71 and a difficult character. I would describe her as having quite extreme victim mentality even though she has, and has had a reasonably easy life and has no real reasons to act this way. My DF died many years ago although they were not close and my DM spent many an hour talking to me and my sibling as children about his perceived failings.
My DMs attitude to life is either ‘woe is me’ or ‘I can’t do that’. This applies to almost everything despite the fact that she is, physically and intelligence wise, quite capable. For example she has given up driving because she is ‘old’. She is physically capable of driving and has no problem reading road signs. She just does this with everything, putting everything to arm’s length. Typical things for her to say would be ‘I can’t get the bus, the step on is too high’, yet she has no physical issues that would stop her climbing on a bus. ‘I can’t eat crusty bread, my teeth aren’t up to it’ – even though she has spent a fortune on private dentistry and has excellent quality implants. These constant issues rarely have any basis and are absolutely incessant, she could mention many things like this a day.
‘I can’t fill in forms, you’ll have to do it for me’ even with the simplest of things eg a name & address, she won’t consider it, says she’ll ‘go to pieces’ etc.
She also has anxiety and my sibling and I have provided much support with this including attending GP apt with her (at her request), encouraging counselling, reminding her to take Ads (prescribed).
On top of this, she doesn’t have a good word to say about anyone. She has a couple of friends, but you wouldn’t know they were friends from the ways she talks about them – focusing on their bad points, delighted to tell you if there’s been a family fallout. She has a very good, kind neighbour who has done a lot for her – particularly over lockdown, and yet she will rant on about how awful & self absorbed she is over & over again.
On top of this she is exceedingly repetitive, despite having very little of substance to say. We have questioned whether she has some sort of dementia, but it was not picked up at her GP appts despite my informing them of the above, and this has all been going on for 10 years plus (albeit worsening in recent years).
Her social life, apart from the neighbour mentioned above, consists solely of my sibling and I. We see her at least twice a week (live in same town). My sibling at least once every two weeks. She will not drive or use any form of transport other than our cars. She refuses to get a bus, train, taxi, anything. However she frequently points out that she would be fine getting on any of the above if I was with her.
Despite the frequency that we see her, every time will open with a barbed comment about how long it is since she has seen my children (7 & 5).
My issue now is this. I have sort of made my peace with the frequency we see her and the frustrations linked to the above. But my DH, children and I would like to start going on slightly more adventurous holidays (nothing major, just Europe or maybe US, etc). My mum drops endless hints about how much she would love to come on these hypothetical holidays. Endless comments about how nice it would be to have some sun to look forward to. Looking up at planes and sighing theatrically about how she’d love to be going somewhere nice. This coming from the woman who can’t get on a bus to the next village but will gladly hop aboard a plane if I ‘take her’.
I feel very, very claustrophobic about the situation and backed into a corner – I feel quite sure that she would spoil any holidays for the most part, If she were to come with us, I just know she would want to spend every minute of the day with me. She would not be confident enough to join any activities solo, or even go for a walk, I am sure of it. I wouldn’t be able to relax or enjoy the time with my DH for her being there. However, the idea of telling her that we are going on one without her seems unthinkable such is the pressure I feel under. I am sure that the stress she makes me feel, makes me a worse parent as well – having to listen to her tales while looking after my two children makes me far less patient and dare I say snappy with everyone.
Suggestions welcome, many thanks. Sorry it’s so long!