My very needy DM

[HTruffle]

I’m hoping some of you can help me on what to do regarding my DM and holidays.

My DM is 71 and a difficult character. I would describe her as having quite extreme victim mentality even though she has, and has had a reasonably easy life and has no real reasons to act this way. My DF died many years ago although they were not close and my DM spent many an hour talking to me and my sibling as children about his perceived failings.
My DMs attitude to life is either ‘woe is me’ or ‘I can’t do that’. This applies to almost everything despite the fact that she is, physically and intelligence wise, quite capable. For example she has given up driving because she is ‘old’. She is physically capable of driving and has no problem reading road signs. She just does this with everything, putting everything to arm’s length. Typical things for her to say would be ‘I can’t get the bus, the step on is too high’, yet she has no physical issues that would stop her climbing on a bus. ‘I can’t eat crusty bread, my teeth aren’t up to it’ – even though she has spent a fortune on private dentistry and has excellent quality implants. These constant issues rarely have any basis and are absolutely incessant, she could mention many things like this a day.
‘I can’t fill in forms, you’ll have to do it for me’ even with the simplest of things eg a name & address, she won’t consider it, says she’ll ‘go to pieces’ etc.
She also has anxiety and my sibling and I have provided much support with this including attending GP apt with her (at her request), encouraging counselling, reminding her to take Ads (prescribed).
On top of this, she doesn’t have a good word to say about anyone. She has a couple of friends, but you wouldn’t know they were friends from the ways she talks about them – focusing on their bad points, delighted to tell you if there’s been a family fallout. She has a very good, kind neighbour who has done a lot for her – particularly over lockdown, and yet she will rant on about how awful & self absorbed she is over & over again.
On top of this she is exceedingly repetitive, despite having very little of substance to say. We have questioned whether she has some sort of dementia, but it was not picked up at her GP appts despite my informing them of the above, and this has all been going on for 10 years plus (albeit worsening in recent years).
Her social life, apart from the neighbour mentioned above, consists solely of my sibling and I. We see her at least twice a week (live in same town). My sibling at least once every two weeks. She will not drive or use any form of transport other than our cars. She refuses to get a bus, train, taxi, anything. However she frequently points out that she would be fine getting on any of the above if I was with her.

Despite the frequency that we see her, every time will open with a barbed comment about how long it is since she has seen my children (7 & 5).

My issue now is this. I have sort of made my peace with the frequency we see her and the frustrations linked to the above. But my DH, children and I would like to start going on slightly more adventurous holidays (nothing major, just Europe or maybe US, etc). My mum drops endless hints about how much she would love to come on these hypothetical holidays. Endless comments about how nice it would be to have some sun to look forward to. Looking up at planes and sighing theatrically about how she’d love to be going somewhere nice. This coming from the woman who can’t get on a bus to the next village but will gladly hop aboard a plane if I ‘take her’.
I feel very, very claustrophobic about the situation and backed into a corner – I feel quite sure that she would spoil any holidays for the most part, If she were to come with us, I just know she would want to spend every minute of the day with me. She would not be confident enough to join any activities solo, or even go for a walk, I am sure of it. I wouldn’t be able to relax or enjoy the time with my DH for her being there. However, the idea of telling her that we are going on one without her seems unthinkable such is the pressure I feel under. I am sure that the stress she makes me feel, makes me a worse parent as well – having to listen to her tales while looking after my two children makes me far less patient and dare I say snappy with everyone.

Suggestions welcome, many thanks. Sorry it’s so long!

I would try to imagine how one day you'll be 71, may have developed idiosyncrasies, and how you'd like your children to treat you in that situation.

That's really something for you to think about.

We will all be old one day and old people can sometimes be irrational... but everyone needs love, respect and to be treated with dignity.

Perhaps taking her on holiday could possibly (a) make an old woman at the end of her life very happy (b) be a learning experience for you.

Maybe see it as a chance to have an experience together, whether good or bad. Time isn't on her side and you may not get many opportunities.

FGS she’s 71 not 91. She isn’t elderly or ‘at the end of her life’. And the virtue of being old doesn’t mean your children should have to spoil their holidays and doesn’t mean that you get to be as shitty and nasty to people as you like.

@Escapingafter50years I could have written every word of your post. My mother is exactly the same.

@HTruffle My mother has NEVER had a good word to say about anyone. I've lost count the number of times I've been genuinely shocked about how plain horrible she has been about people she called 'friends'...far beyond the normal slight rant we all might have about people in our lives once in a while.

My mother is angry, bitter and envious of just about everyone. Also has the victim mentality. Both my parents are narcissists and she got a thousand times worse once my father left her ...30 years ago. Her life has been pretty settled, some would even say 'good' since then but she just can't see it.

For the last 10 years, due to my childhood I've been treated for C-PTSD. One of the best things I've learnt from it all is that you can only control yourself...your feelings, your reactions, etc. Don't take your mother on holiday, tell her that you want the time with your husband and children. Yes, she won't like it, she will probably sulk, say horrible things and make you feel like the worst daughter ever. You know you aren't. Her opinion isn't fact.

Has she always been such a fun sponge OP?

When she drops hints about a holiday abroad, just say its such a pity she's so frail so it wouldn't be feasible. After all, she can't even step up onto a bus........🙄

I think you are pandering to her excessively. Try stepping it down and encouraging her to do some stuff herself (form filling for instance). Go to visit once a week for an hour. Stop cooking for her!

She's doing it for attention. For whatever reason she feels she isn't getting enough attention/support. I would book the holiday, tell her nearer the time and just say you will be doing lots of walking so it wouldn't be appropriate.

Maybe see it as a chance to have an experience together, whether good or bad

Spoken just like someone who has zero experience of a dysfunctional parental relationship

Exactly

People who have excellent relationships with their parents probably see a ‘bad holiday experience’ as not agreeing on what restaurant to eat in, when actually it’s about every waking minute being mentally exhausting

This is a possibility. I sometimes can almost ‘hear’ her saying the things I think she’d be likely to say. I don’t know for fact though.

When my mum gets like this, I just refuse to see her and I tell her why.

She stops and I'm there again 3 times a week... until next time

BTW, I'm 65 next birthday so she's not a lot older than me!

I've recently been helping my sister (68) decorate her sons flat while he's working abroad. Scraping off paper, up and down ladders.......

Thanks for your input. I agree that offering a separate, much shorter alternative might be a good option.

I don’t know for fact though

Believe it

I will do. Thank you. Yes, I can remember when I must have been 10 or so, her ranting on about my father and how awful he was. I didn’t have anything insightful to say but I can remember the lengthy lists of flaws she would bore us with.

we do somewhat tread on eggshells really. I choose my words very carefully so as not to offend. She is extremely sensitive to any perceived criticism no matter how mild and would react by acting mortally offended and upset.

@Charlize43 For heaven's sake. The woman is only 71 and is making life hard for her children by apparently being incapable. She has apparently been like this since she was 61. She has a DD visiting her twice a week, sorting out her house, medical care and finances, cooking for her and making sure she sees her GC. And another DD who helps as well. She badmouths helpful neighbours.

The OP needs to (a) make sure her mother has cover and carer's allowance (b) that her mother gives her and/or sister or someone trustworthy for health/financial care (c) takes her back to the GP to check on her mental capacity again.

Then OP needs to go on the holiday she needs with her DH and DC. If her mother is worried then she can go in to respite care.

Weaponised incompetence is how it was worded to me about my dm. I've forced her into doing things now,

But 71 really isn’t all that old. I know people of 71 who spend a lot of time running around after their own mums because their mums are genuinely old and need support.

You need to grow a thicker skin. She could live another 20 years and if you start martyring yourself now you’ll be a wreck! Your husband and children will resent you if you pander to her. Don’t ruin their childhood holiday memories by bringing along another worse behaved child.
‘No I can’t take you, why don’t you book a taxi.’ Ignore the whining. Treat her like a toddler- don’t negotiate. She will always be hard done by and whatever you do will never be enough, as illustrated by your examples. If she complains about things around the house needing fixing ‘yes it does seem like things are getting on top of you as you get older, do you think you might need to start thinking about downsizing?’

She doesn’t need to be ‘extensively involved’ in your childrens lives ( I don’t mean visiting etc but in the everyday details.) Don’t even think about taking her on adventure holidays with you, disaster waiting to happen. She will whinge, your kids and husband will want to do things and get annoyed by her and you will end up trying to make everyone happy and failing. You are not responsible for her happiness. You are her child and she is a grown woman.

Just out of interest, did your mum have to do much for her own parents when she was your age, with young children? Did she take her own mum on family holidays?

I wonder if our mothers are related OP, I could have written your post. I have come to realise that it doesn’t matter how much I do it will never ever be enough. So taking her on holiday won’t change anything, she’ll just moan about something else. Undoubtedly she’ll sulk when you come back. Mine likes to spend the first call after my return telling me what a tragic and difficult time she has had, she certainly has no interest in hearing about what I’ve been doing, she’d much rather try to punish me by making me feel guilty. I no longer let it get to me. Instead I make a mental bingo card before calling her and see how many predicted moans she can fit into that one call. Go on holiday with you family and leave her at home. If you can’t do it for yourself then do it for your family - they deserve a happy holiday with your full attention and engagement, rather than you treading on eggshells and pandering to your mother.

Thank you very much all for taking the time to reply! It seems I’m not alone in having a DM who uses tactics like this. @forrestgreen weaponised incompetence sounds a very accurate description.
What I can’t really understand about it all though is why? If she just took a deep breath and focused on the can do’s instead of the can’t do’s, she’d be so much easier to be with as well as happier in herself I imagine.
I feel envious of people whose mums are still great company at this age and you can relax in their company instead of them infantilising themself to the point that they need constant assistance. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind giving assistance to people where it’s required, but this feels like behaviour she could control.

I've worked out mine's is because:
She loved her mum and visited twice a week. I don't, I'm ill also and can't do it. So she thinks I don't love her. So she decides all the paperwork/jobs are mine, so
I'll have to go.
I try to make her do them when I'm there, then back off

OP, it sounds truly awful.

From her using you and your sibling to badmouth your father to the toxic presence she currently is in your life.

You're doing far too much and she has far too much power over your life.

Absolutely do not bring her on ANY holiday whatsoever.

I would strongly recommend you get some counselling.

These are precious years with your family and i can guarantee you will bitterly regret the huge accommodations you gave her and the stress she adds to your life.

You need to be far busier with your life and children and slowly pull back.

Do this for yourself and your family.

I am not suggesting you abandon her, just be far less available.

This is who she is.
The more you give, the more she whines.

You need to decide how much time is bearable to be around her, and give her that and no more.

She will still whine, but you will not be listening to it so much.

There is NO fixing her.

So protect your family first.

I wouldnt do holidays op. Then its something else. Boundaries need be tight. Mine is 81 v hard work. You could have years of this. She knows our breaks are our own time. Yes we got silent treatment. Its utterly draining though. People dont get it if the parent easy

Thank you @billy1966 and @Mary46 I suspect you are both right. It just seems so hard to draw the boundaries and feel the guilt.

I see other people with their mums and feel so envious of them looking like equals, two people each able to be adults and conversing normally. She’s so used to saying ‘I can’t’ or ‘ooh no that’d be too scary’ etc that she’s started to believe herself and almost follows me around when we go out, allowing me to sort absolutely everything. It’s draining. Even my seven year old is more capable.

You have done nothing to feel guilty about. It is false guilt, manipulated by a manipulator who has been pulling your strings since you were small. Look after yourself and your family first for a while. It may become a long while...