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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stop following me

42 replies

Jennybeans401 · 03/12/2022 17:50

Dd in yr5 has recently moved schools due to bullying. I thought she'd made a good start, after a month seemed okay and I'd asked the usual questions if she was settling in okay. She's said a few times that she didn't feel like she fitted in but I thought it might be because she's new.

Today she told me that the children tell her 'stop following me' when she tries to play with them. There are three separate people who have said it so not just isolated. My heart sank when she said this.Her confidence has been a bit low since leaving the other school but I am worried things might get worse for her again.

I'm considering HE again for a while, I left her in the old school for way too long and I really don't want to make the same mistake. AIBU to speak to the teacher or should I just pull her out?

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BasiliskStare · 03/12/2022 17:53

I would speak to her teacher in the first instance and explain the circumstances. I would not just pull her out without any discussion with the school .
I truly hope things get better for her. 💐

Sunnydaysahead2 · 03/12/2022 17:53

I would talk to the teacher, establish a good rapport and try to work together on finding a solution.

Best wishes, that must be really tough for your daughter.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 03/12/2022 17:59

Thanks, I've not had much contact with her teacher since dd started there.

I don't want to repeat the same mistakes with this school, dd still hasn't recovered from the bullying at her last school.

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MintJulia · 03/12/2022 18:00

Talk to the school. They can't fix it if they don't know it's happening.

Controlledmalfunction · 03/12/2022 18:04

As the others said talk to the school. Does she do anything out of school to make friends? It sounds like the bullying has affected her and she's perhaps become slightly socially awkward which the new classmates are picking up on. I'm wondering if she has a consistent group of peers she can work on this with?

SunnyNights · 03/12/2022 18:06

Definitely speak to the school to see how they can help. Did the school assign a buddy to help her settle in?

Are there any clubs locally she could join to get to know children in a different setting? It helped my DD to get to know children through dancing and brownies and then some of the friendships formed carried over into school too.

It's very hard when they are trying to establish friendships. We have had that issue a number of times Flowers

Kanaloa · 03/12/2022 18:10

I think it would be better to work with the school and support your daughter. It seems like she isn’t confident in approaching other children and if you keep pulling her out of schools then how will she develop that? She needs tools to approach others, just following them around isn’t likely to be received well. Perhaps you could also support her to join a club or activity where she can meet new friends in an organic way as they’ll all be doing the same thing.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 03/12/2022 18:11

She plays tennis and will gladly talk to the other children there, quickly makes friends but then these people tend to come and go. It's not always the same consistent group.

I struggle to arrange a lot of evening activities as dp passed away not long ago so it's a challenge being there for the other dcs.

Dd has asked recently to be home educated again, it is possible she may be mildly autistic. She's a bit 'younger' than her peers, still plays with toys, likes imaginative play. I sometimes wonder if that's also why she struggles with people her age.

I don't think she has a buddy at school, she said she plays on her own a lot.

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Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 03/12/2022 18:13

@Kanaloa I think she has some confidence issues, I blame myself for leaving her in the old school for too long. She was do happy and confident, really gregarious until the bullying started in Year 2.

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SunnyNights · 03/12/2022 18:16

Sorry to hear about your DP, sounds like you have a lot going on.

If a separate club isn't feasible, are there any after school ones?

Do you know any of the parents? Could perhaps engineer a coffee with one and get them to bring their child too. That's not always easy though, I can sometimes feel quite awkward about that sort of thing.

Definitely see what the school can do, they should be helping to support her.

ShepherdMoons · 03/12/2022 18:20

My dd is very similar, probably on the spectrum but well behaved in school and social enough to be under the radar. She wouldn't get additional support but does struggle socially.

You could speak to the school and see if they can put something in place for her. Do you think that she'd benefit from time out of school to build her confidence up? If she's moved from one school to another without much of a break then it will be difficult because she's still not over the bullying.

Does the school have strategies for dealing with this? Are there any adults around at playtime that your dd trusts and can talk to?

pinkberet · 03/12/2022 18:25

I currently teach in year 5 and it is very much a transitional year. She will not be the only one who still plays, I'm sure!

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 03/12/2022 18:25

I've been a bit disappointed in the school. Website is very much about mental health, really focuses on the wellbeing of the child. The school also told me they prioritised reading, guided reading daily, etc.

In the past month my dd hasn't brought home a reading book from school, she reads at home though but with what's on our bookshelf. Her reading diary was checked once in the first week. They have no spellings to learn (just one list of 8 words for one week).

Dd said there are not many dinner supervisors but maybe all this is due to cutbacks and perhaps they are doing the best in the circumstances.

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Kanaloa · 03/12/2022 18:29

Jennybeans401 · 03/12/2022 18:13

@Kanaloa I think she has some confidence issues, I blame myself for leaving her in the old school for too long. She was do happy and confident, really gregarious until the bullying started in Year 2.

You shouldn’t blame yourself - how can it be your fault? It’s a shame the school are being rubbish. You can do some things but realistically the school need to pull their weight supporting her because obviously you’re not physically there.

I’m sure in Year 5 she’s not the only one who still plays. My older two are older than that and DD very much still ‘plays.’ Not in the same way she did when she was a lot smaller of course but she definitely plays. Could you find out from DD what the other kids are into?

ShepherdMoons · 03/12/2022 18:30

Ime schools promise a lot and many of them are trying but are desperately short staffed.

This could also be impacting on the playground, if there are no dinner supervisors around they are not picking up on problems and being able to relate that back to the teacher.

Perhaps you could speak to the class teacher and if nothing changes consider the home education. Do you know any of the other parents? Has your dd had any playdates?

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 03/12/2022 18:34

She's not had any playdates yet, I really don't see any other parents either at pick up. It's a really small school and I think a lot of parents must work.

At her old school I did lots of playdates, took the children out and make a lot of effort. She had one or two playdates (reciprocated) but these girls turned on dd and bullied her, so much so I was worried about her mental health at one stage.

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Controlledmalfunction · 03/12/2022 18:36

Jennybeans401 · 03/12/2022 18:25

I've been a bit disappointed in the school. Website is very much about mental health, really focuses on the wellbeing of the child. The school also told me they prioritised reading, guided reading daily, etc.

In the past month my dd hasn't brought home a reading book from school, she reads at home though but with what's on our bookshelf. Her reading diary was checked once in the first week. They have no spellings to learn (just one list of 8 words for one week).

Dd said there are not many dinner supervisors but maybe all this is due to cutbacks and perhaps they are doing the best in the circumstances.

It's been a while since my children were this age but I remember year 5 and 6 being very much about preparing for secondary school, learning to be more independent, less academic and more focus on the social wellbeing and taking on responsibility like being playground friends etc.

I wouldn't worry her reading diary hasn't been checked, you know she's reading in her spare time.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 03/12/2022 18:37

@Kanaloa I blame myself because it was so bad but I kept believing the school when they said all was okay.

Dd was talking about death a lot and was very emotionally distressed. Awful!

Dd doesn't seem to know what the kids at the new school are into but I can try to find out.

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Plmoknijb123 · 03/12/2022 18:40

This is awful, your poor daughter. Does she show her unhappiness at school? Bullies tend to continue when they see it bothers someone.

If the school aren't really supportive or don't take the issue seriously I think you should move her. Would a larger school with more children help? I hope it all gets better for her.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 03/12/2022 18:44

Her previous school was small and the new school is small because we are in a village and the only community school (much bigger) is massively oversubscribed.

I have nowhere to move her to unfortunately so I'd have to HE.

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CarefreeMe · 03/12/2022 18:56

Please don’t pull her out of school.

She needs to learn how to make friends and deal with the bullies.

Absolutely talk to the teacher.
You could even email the school and ask it be forward to her teacher and just say you are concerned that she’s not making friends and that the others don’t want to be her friend so could she keep an eye out or does she have any suggestions.

My main advice would be to do as many after school clubs as she can.

Is there guides or brownies she join which may mean making friends from other schools too?

It’s hard being the new kid but I promise she’ll find some friends soon.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 03/12/2022 19:01

We're a bit stuck with after school activities, my dp passed away a while ago and I have other dcs to lookafter. There's no way of getting to clubs without some childcare.

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Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 03/12/2022 19:04

She plays tennis at a club but that's the only activity we can get to.

She gets on well with the other children but does not know them that well.

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CarefreeMe · 03/12/2022 19:15

Can’t she stop on after school and then you pick her up after the club?

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 03/12/2022 19:27

I can't afford after school club unfortunately. The school don't have any other clubs running at the moment

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