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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stop following me

42 replies

Jennybeans401 · 03/12/2022 17:50

Dd in yr5 has recently moved schools due to bullying. I thought she'd made a good start, after a month seemed okay and I'd asked the usual questions if she was settling in okay. She's said a few times that she didn't feel like she fitted in but I thought it might be because she's new.

Today she told me that the children tell her 'stop following me' when she tries to play with them. There are three separate people who have said it so not just isolated. My heart sank when she said this.Her confidence has been a bit low since leaving the other school but I am worried things might get worse for her again.

I'm considering HE again for a while, I left her in the old school for way too long and I really don't want to make the same mistake. AIBU to speak to the teacher or should I just pull her out?

OP posts:
CarefreeMe · 03/12/2022 19:34

That’s a shame.

I would have a chat to the teacher just to put your mind at rest but I’m sure she will settle in soon.
They’re very resilient at that age and make friends much easier than we do.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 03/12/2022 19:56

@CarefreeMe thank you, I hope things do work themselves out. I will have a chat with the class teacher on Monday too.

When we go to parks, etc dd always makes a friend. Sometimes I wonder if it's a school thing, she isn't comfortable there so behaves differently.

OP posts:
Newuser82 · 03/12/2022 20:11

How long ago did she move school? My son moved to a new school in year three and it took him a few weeks to make friends with anyone. He was by himself all the time. After the first few weeks he made some lovely friends and has settled in really nicely. I hope for similar for your daughter.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 03/12/2022 20:21

It's been about a month, not long really. She had lots of people to play with initially but it seems like they've lost interest now.

Are some children just not cut out for school? I'm beginning to think this, is it something about the school environment that makes her behave differently than she would normally.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 03/12/2022 20:51

I think you need to find a therapist who can debrief her about the bullying that has affected a big part of her childhood, and also maybe the loss of her father. When a child talks about death it is a very big deal, and it needs to be investigated.

Her self esteem is probably at rock bottom, and I suspect she needs coaching in social skills, maybe also help dealing with school related anxiety.

Play therapy or art therapy might be a good idea.

The teacher needs to know how her life has been for the last few years.

Children can often sniff out a child who has troubles, and can be brutal in isolating him or her. The school needs to keep a close watch over her and over the dynamic occurring within her year group.

ShepherdMoons · 03/12/2022 20:52

I think playgrounds can be lonely places if you are shy, introverted, maybe a bit lacking in confidence. My dd struggles with confidence, all this is from school related bullying and she is much better in the holidays.

We don't have the means to HE though. It probably would be right for dd (not for ds). If you decide to take her out of the school you really have to consider how you will educate her and give her the social opportunities she needs.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 03/12/2022 20:58

@mathanxiety our GP has referred for therapy but there is a very long waiting list. It may be several months before we get an appointment.

I totally agree she needs therapy, I feel there wasn't enough time after she left her old school to really debrief after the bullying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 03/12/2022 21:00

@ShepherdMoons I don't have the means to HE but I can try to put something together for dd if its the right thing for her. Not easy though for us.

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Kanaloa · 03/12/2022 21:28

Sadly, I don’t think you’re far off the mark with ‘are some children just not cut out for school?’ I wasn’t cut out for school and had a miserable time. I originally thought it was because I had such a rubbish home life, but now of my kids two are great at school and two just aren’t. Not academically or anything, but they struggle more with it. My dd makes friends in ballet fine, some girls she’s danced with since age 2! I think she feels confident because she is good at ballet or maybe it’s because she’s known the girls for so long or because they already have a built in topic of conversation. But she is just more shy and sensitive. DS and my youngest DD just enjoy school and always have. They are also both more ‘bouncy’ though. You can’t squash them - any criticism bounces right off them, any inconvenience is dealt with or smashed through. Whereas older DD and my younger DS, they feel criticism is personal and feel awkward and nervous over things that wouldn’t even cross the mind of the other two. It’s weird, nobody would say ‘you don’t want to be a doctor? Why? Everyone can be a doctor!’ We appreciate that different jobs naturally suit different people. I could never be self-employed. DH could probably never work a sit down office job. But when it comes to school we can’t conceptualise that this one standardised environment obviously won’t suit every child.

Kanaloa · 03/12/2022 21:29

Not that I’m saying your child’s experience will never improve! I just mean sometimes I think we need to accept that we can help our kids cope better but they are naturally limited/more challenged by this environment and can only do their best.

mathanxiety · 03/12/2022 21:32

Can you afford to get a private therapist?

DD needs to be assessed for ptsd.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 03/12/2022 22:10

@mathanxiety I'm struggling to just keep food on the table at the moment. Private therapy is expensive from what I've seen, it would be the best for dd though.

Mental health services for children and adults in the UK are so hard to access, it's a travesty.

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Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 03/12/2022 22:16

@Kanaloa it's interesting because this is my experience too. Youngest dd loves school, bounces in and generally no problems. Eldest dc goes to specialist school who are amazing and really are a Godsend.

Middle dd though has never really 'loved' school although was a million times more confident before being bullied. She will often fake illness to stay home, she loved the temporary HE we did together and would gladly do it again.

My issue was the expense of HE, it was quite costly compared to school. I found it exhausting trying to meet all the social and academic demands.

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Mumtumtastic · 03/12/2022 22:59

Hi OP, I’m so sorry you and your DD are going through such a tough time. My daughter is younger but loves playing with older DC (her cousins are your DD age and older) I/ we would happily befriend you if you were nearby! PM me if interested - we live near Oxford xx

Mumtumtastic · 03/12/2022 23:03

Also we relocated last year to be near my DD school as they are so super friendly and amazing there. It is a Christian school so not everyone’s cup of tea but is just a wonderful safe & love-filled place. Again if that’s of any interest just pop me a message 🙂

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 04/12/2022 07:49

@Mumtumtastic thank you so much 💐we are in Guisborough so a long way out but we would have loved that. It sounds like a wonderful school community.

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notnowB · 04/12/2022 07:58

Aww, the poor wee love Flowers
I definitely wouldn't pull her out of school. Work with them to find solutions. Do you offer playdates outside of school? They can really help to cement friendships. Does she belong to any clubs? Also, some schools do communication and socialisation groups for children who are struggling. Hope things look up soon Flowers

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