I (30F) am the eldest of 6 siblings and despite us being all over the country all have a great relationship with each other. The youngest (17F) and I especially, my Mom had a very traumatic life and has issues with alcohol and relationships which meant that growing up I had a lot of responsibility for my younger siblings. She is a single mother and had her own business which meant I would finish school, come home and feed/bath/put to bed the two youngest and help the others with homework, housework etc.
I moved out at 18 but have always been there for the younger ones as my Mom went through a string of abusive relationships, the last one she is currently divorcing after he kicked the shit out of her in front of my two youngest siblings. It was the final straw after 3 years of physical, mental and financial abuse from him, not all just directed at my Mom.
I love my Mom and try to support her as much as I feel is appropriate, speaking to schools when the youngest gets in trouble, contributing to her mortgage and just giving all of them advice and someone to talk to when they need it. They’re not overly generous with recognising it but that’s not why I do it, however in this situation it’s kind of important.
I moved to a big city about 5 years ago and live with my partner (35M) who loves all my family and treats them as though they’re his own sisters. We’ve made sure they know they can come and stay with us whenever they need some space, or just to treat them to the kind of culture they don’t get back home. We want to show them that by working hard at school they can gain freedom to live, work and explore wherever they like.
Now here’s the problem. My youngest sister ‘Daisy’ has visited a lot, and usually for at least a week at a time. I work from home 3 days a week so typically she’ll just chill out watching tv or playing online then we’ll do things in the evening, and I’ll take a day or two off to sightsee or go shopping. She is a little nervous about travelling around on her own so this time we suggested she bring a friend with her so they could use the train/bus to properly explore the City.
From the first day she was a nightmare. She was upset we didn’t meet her at the station (a 10 min walk from our house) to carry her bags. Then she stayed up until 6am vaping in the living room, falling asleep with all the windows open and leaving the house freezing, after I’d asked her to only vape in her room if not outside. Her and her friend spent the whole week sleeping until 5pm, ordering fast food and then staying up until 6/7am and playing YouTube loudly in the room next to where we were sleeping.
I didn’t lose my temper, I just spoke to her and reiterated the house rules pointing out it wasn’t fair for them to do this (while leaving shit everywhere) particularly as me and my partner were working during the day. I had given them cash on the condition they use it to explore the city, they spent it on vapes and McDonald’s.
On the Friday, I woke them up nicely at 11am and said if they wanted us to take them out that night and weekend then they needed to go out rather than spending another day in bed. They left at 5.30, went to one shop and started calling us to meet them because they were hungry. At this point, I had met a friend for a quick drink and thought that leaving them another hour rather than racing to meet them would force them into doing a bit of exploring.
By the time we met them at 7pm, they were both clearly sulking, the whole dinner they sat whispering behind their hands, making snide comments and completely ignoring us. My friends sister then made up that her Grandad had died and so unfortunately they had to get the train back tomorrow to make the funeral on Sunday.
Honestly I was relieved- it had been so stressful having them I didn’t even really care that they were lying. But when they said they’d be getting the 4pm train the next day I put my foot down and said they needed to be out by 10am, I didn’t want to waste my whole Saturday feeling awkward with them in the house.
When we got home, I tried to address all of this with her. My main issue was we’ve always had such a good relationship, I would have been fine if she’d said ‘I think we’re going to go home early as it all just feels a bit awkward’ rather lying to my face- again. She immediately started to blame me and my partner for not making them welcome and for leaving them on their own while we had a drink with a friend. She completely lied to my face about a number of things, including how my
partner had treated her (I’ve never seen him raise his voice and he’d spent the week cooking and tidying up after them without a peep), so I ended the conversation and went back to our room without losing my temper.
So 8am the next day (when my sister assumed I’d be asleep) she messaged me from the other room saying ‘we’ve booked our ticket, if you’d like to try and make up come and speak to me but I don’t want this to turn into a blame game’. I think it was so she could say ‘look! I messaged her and she didn’t even come down to say goodbye’. She then attempted to sneak out of the house without saying anything, but I called her back, said I’m sorry this didn’t pan out how we wanted and to let me know she got back safe.
Since then there’s been radio silence, not even a happy birthday for me last week until a text this morning saying ‘shall we call a truce?’. I’m sure the only reason for this is Xmas is coming up and we usually splash out more than anyone for the two youngest, as my Mom is struggling with money and their dad isn’t around.
I don’t want this to turn into a huge drama, which she’s good at, and I don’t want it to carry on into Xmas but unless she apologises I feel like it sets a terrible standard for me to buy her a ton of presents and act as if everything is normal. I’m either a bitch or a pushover and I just don’t know what to do.
Thoughts?