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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

…to have walked away from him?

76 replies

DoryExploring87 · 02/12/2022 19:18

I walked away from possibly the love of my life. Someone who sees me for who I am and appreciates me. The complicated backstory is we’re both in the process of leaving difficult relationships (with children) and for now have been friendly. We meet once a week to have lunch and catch up on life. It’s been 9 months and we didn’t intend to fall for each other but life happened.

I feel like I’m everything to him when we spend those hours together and a lot less when we’re apart. No calls, hours between texts, even if we don’t get a chance to see each other in the week. I’ve voiced my concerns - that the emotional connection lacks when we’re apart, but he says he’s trying his best and that life gets busy.

so today I felt frustrated and told him that I’m done. That I’m not prioritised and he’s well aware of how considerate I am regarding his time. A call once a week or voice notes here and there isn’t hard. He says that he gives me all the affection when we’re in person and that I should trust how he feels about me.

I don’t believe I’m asking for much but hate that I can’t have a proper conversation with him, unless it’s scheduled or we meet in person.

AIBU?!

OP posts:
Olivia8484 · 02/12/2022 22:28

His Facebook profile says SINGLE!!!! And his wife no longer posts pics together!!!! I’ve trawled his profile thoroughly for the first time after all the comments on this forum!!!!

Dacadactyl · 02/12/2022 22:31

He may well be single OP. But the fact remains that he does not communicate in the manner you like, nor often enough.

He has a messy home situation and baggage.

You seem to have form for going after unavailable men if another poster is to be believed (apologies if this is not the case)

My advice to you is to remain single for a while and concentrate on your children.

This man is not the love of your life.

Hoppinggreen · 02/12/2022 22:34

Cr3ateAUsername · 02/12/2022 22:12

Getting into a relationship with a married man, ah what could go wrong?

Again

Trollthenasty · 02/12/2022 22:46

You don't want to be loved. You love to be wanted.
You are seeking validation with married men because you feel if they give up their partner for you then it is the ultimate love.

It is an illusion and you need to work on your self esteem.

Olivia8484 · 02/12/2022 22:49

Dacadactyl · 02/12/2022 22:31

He may well be single OP. But the fact remains that he does not communicate in the manner you like, nor often enough.

He has a messy home situation and baggage.

You seem to have form for going after unavailable men if another poster is to be believed (apologies if this is not the case)

My advice to you is to remain single for a while and concentrate on your children.

This man is not the love of your life.

I appreciate your response. Thank you.

Olivia8484 · 02/12/2022 22:56

Trollthenasty · 02/12/2022 22:46

You don't want to be loved. You love to be wanted.
You are seeking validation with married men because you feel if they give up their partner for you then it is the ultimate love.

It is an illusion and you need to work on your self esteem.

This is quite deep. I’ll take this to my therapist. Clearly a lot to work through.

forwhatitsworth22 · 02/12/2022 23:00

I'm confused, did the OP change her name in the middle of this thread?

encantorerun · 02/12/2022 23:08

How can someone who is hurting you and pissing you off so much, also be the love of your life?

That makes zero sense. You just want him because you can't have him.

UneFoisAuChalet · 02/12/2022 23:41

It’s that famous saying ‘he’s just not that into you’. If he was into you, he’d leave the family home (not just say he’s single on Facebook 🙄), he’d text you regularly and frequently, he’d want to see you more than once a week - and not just for lunch.

It’s been a year since you posted about him and literally nothing has changed, nothing has moved forward. He’s the guy that going to string you along with all the excuses - don’t want to upset ex wife, don’t want to interrupt the kids’s lives, don’t want to lose my pension or pay for the mortgage and a flat etc etc.

And then he’ll meet HER, the one who he wants to see everyday and text all hours and you’ll be soon forgotten.

Olivia8484 · 02/12/2022 23:45

UneFoisAuChalet · 02/12/2022 23:41

It’s that famous saying ‘he’s just not that into you’. If he was into you, he’d leave the family home (not just say he’s single on Facebook 🙄), he’d text you regularly and frequently, he’d want to see you more than once a week - and not just for lunch.

It’s been a year since you posted about him and literally nothing has changed, nothing has moved forward. He’s the guy that going to string you along with all the excuses - don’t want to upset ex wife, don’t want to interrupt the kids’s lives, don’t want to lose my pension or pay for the mortgage and a flat etc etc.

And then he’ll meet HER, the one who he wants to see everyday and text all hours and you’ll be soon forgotten.

I’ve never posted about this guy. But you’re right. Very right. I posted here to get the harsh truths. Clearly, I have a lot of shit to sort out.

Upsidedownagain · 02/12/2022 23:47

Whether he is lying or not, I don't think he is in a position to make any kind of commitment to you, nor should he in my opinion, so yes, I think you did the right thing.

You have no idea whether he is likely to be "the love of your life". Someone new, when you have been in a relationship that no longer works for you, is bound to seem like someone special, but that's no guarantee that they really are.

Olivia8484 · 03/12/2022 00:18

Upsidedownagain · 02/12/2022 23:47

Whether he is lying or not, I don't think he is in a position to make any kind of commitment to you, nor should he in my opinion, so yes, I think you did the right thing.

You have no idea whether he is likely to be "the love of your life". Someone new, when you have been in a relationship that no longer works for you, is bound to seem like someone special, but that's no guarantee that they really are.

I appreciate your insight. I also thank you sincerely for your kindness.

MadelineUsher · 03/12/2022 00:54

We’re both separated from our spouses. He still lives with his, as they have a mortgage together and are still working through settling their finances. She doesn’t know he’s moved on and I believe he doesn’t want to aggravate her even more, although the agreement of the divorce was mutual.

A tale as old as time. Love to hear her side of the story...

BadNomad · 03/12/2022 02:42

He doesn't contact you during the day because he either can't due to not actually being free to, or he doesn't care enough to. Neither is good.

Single married people are the worst.

LynetteScavo · 03/12/2022 06:23

Well done for ending it. He has no intention of leaving his marital home.

Bizzyone · 03/12/2022 06:38

He just doesnt sound that into you to be honest, or sees you as an intense emotional support friend who boosts his ego once a week. If he really is single I imagine he has other women he invests time to message/meets/shag...

Yours all sounds very one sided

Compassionreality · 03/12/2022 06:53

Why are people so unkind? The OP has come on here seeking advice on her life and she has received some advice- some useful, some pointless. But the way in which some posters have commented is unnecessary. This is someone’s life. I think people of MN sometimes forget that.

OP you’ve ended it as you recognised a red flag, your own needs and worth. Good luck in finding what you want and need next time!

girlmom21 · 03/12/2022 07:06

Compassionreality · 03/12/2022 06:53

Why are people so unkind? The OP has come on here seeking advice on her life and she has received some advice- some useful, some pointless. But the way in which some posters have commented is unnecessary. This is someone’s life. I think people of MN sometimes forget that.

OP you’ve ended it as you recognised a red flag, your own needs and worth. Good luck in finding what you want and need next time!

Because nobody has time for cheats

Herejustforthisone · 03/12/2022 07:18

gobbynorthernbird · 02/12/2022 20:14

she doesn't know he's moved on and never will. You're the OW.

This seems screamingly obviously the case to me. Perhaps I’m a cynic, or maybe I’ve just seen what men do.

Itsbeenashortyear · 03/12/2022 07:37

I think the context of the other thread is very relevant. Because either op has a problem with going out or lunch with married men, under the guise of ‘for work’ and falling for them.

Or for over a year she has been this man’s once a week ego boost when she thinks he is the love of her life. Life is passing her by while she waits for him to show more interest in her.

Op either of these behaviours are unhealthy. These men (or this man) is not the love of your life. I get the feeling you are trying to force his hand by ending it. Hoping he steps up. Even if he does make an effort for a bit, he will fall back into this pattern. It’s who he is. You don’t like that. That won’t make you happy. But you need to look at why you keep doing it.

Poursomesugaronme88 · 03/12/2022 07:39

Yabvu

Olivia8484 · 03/12/2022 11:57

Compassionreality · 03/12/2022 06:53

Why are people so unkind? The OP has come on here seeking advice on her life and she has received some advice- some useful, some pointless. But the way in which some posters have commented is unnecessary. This is someone’s life. I think people of MN sometimes forget that.

OP you’ve ended it as you recognised a red flag, your own needs and worth. Good luck in finding what you want and need next time!

Thank you so much for your grace and kindness. It means so much to me.

Olivia8484 · 03/12/2022 12:02

Itsbeenashortyear · 03/12/2022 07:37

I think the context of the other thread is very relevant. Because either op has a problem with going out or lunch with married men, under the guise of ‘for work’ and falling for them.

Or for over a year she has been this man’s once a week ego boost when she thinks he is the love of her life. Life is passing her by while she waits for him to show more interest in her.

Op either of these behaviours are unhealthy. These men (or this man) is not the love of your life. I get the feeling you are trying to force his hand by ending it. Hoping he steps up. Even if he does make an effort for a bit, he will fall back into this pattern. It’s who he is. You don’t like that. That won’t make you happy. But you need to look at why you keep doing it.

I feel there is a fixation on my last post. That was the period in my life where I’d been repeatedly cheated on and befriended someone who made me feel desirable. We never kissed or progressed in that because I knew it was wrong. Today we are still friends and support one another. It was also when I realised that my relationship is over and ended it with my partner. The guy I’ve posted about today is not a married colleague I’ve fallen for. He is someone I’ve known in the past and we reconnected. Seeing him once a week is more to do with me and setting the pace. I’m not ready to date officially. I wanted to take things slow and he hasn’t pushed me.

Toomanysleepycats · 03/12/2022 12:27

Op I think you have done the right think.

Forget the fact that he is living with his wife, and whether she knows or doesn’t know he is getting a divorce etc etc.

I think the important fact is that at the beginning he was sending lots of texts and voice mails. You meet once a week for lunch.

You have not had sex with him.

The contacts between lunches has stopped. He’s keeping you on the side just in case you have sex with him at some point. But it’s not worth the time or potential agro from his wife to text/voicemail between lunches.

Newwardrobe · 03/12/2022 12:33

DoryExploring87 · 02/12/2022 19:40

We’re both separated from our spouses. He still lives with his, as they have a mortgage together and are still working through settling their finances. She doesn’t know he’s moved on and I believe he doesn’t want to aggravate her even more, although the agreement of the divorce was mutual. We don’t live in the same town (40 minutes apart) and I wanted to take things slow I.E explore each other emotionally and build up from there when the time is right.

Show quote history

There's your answer then , are you sure he's getting divorced?