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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

…to have walked away from him?

76 replies

DoryExploring87 · 02/12/2022 19:18

I walked away from possibly the love of my life. Someone who sees me for who I am and appreciates me. The complicated backstory is we’re both in the process of leaving difficult relationships (with children) and for now have been friendly. We meet once a week to have lunch and catch up on life. It’s been 9 months and we didn’t intend to fall for each other but life happened.

I feel like I’m everything to him when we spend those hours together and a lot less when we’re apart. No calls, hours between texts, even if we don’t get a chance to see each other in the week. I’ve voiced my concerns - that the emotional connection lacks when we’re apart, but he says he’s trying his best and that life gets busy.

so today I felt frustrated and told him that I’m done. That I’m not prioritised and he’s well aware of how considerate I am regarding his time. A call once a week or voice notes here and there isn’t hard. He says that he gives me all the affection when we’re in person and that I should trust how he feels about me.

I don’t believe I’m asking for much but hate that I can’t have a proper conversation with him, unless it’s scheduled or we meet in person.

AIBU?!

OP posts:
Olivia8484 · 02/12/2022 21:41

BornIn78 · 02/12/2022 21:29

You’ve had a name change fail @Olivia8484 and after reading your previous thread it’s clear you’ve pursued this man, in the full knowledge that he’s in a relationship with children.

He’s married, he’s bullshitting you, you’re his once a week lunchtime ego stroke and he’s already getting bored of it, hence the massively reduced contact.

More fool you.

That’s not fair to assume. I’ve separated since and this is someone out of my city. The other guy was a colleague and nothing happened between us. The colleague whom is now a good friend. I have nothing to hide coming into this forum.

OLDanonymous · 02/12/2022 21:42

How did you meet this man OP?

Olivia8484 · 02/12/2022 21:44

MichelleScarn · 02/12/2022 21:08

Does she know they've 'separted'?

Show quote history

To my knowledge yes. I’ve never met her. I could be a fool and he could’ve lied about not being in the same house - I wouldn’t know. He’s not in my city and he meets me in mine. We’ve not had sex. It’s all friendly at this stage because we’ve both had things to deal with.

MichelleScarn · 02/12/2022 21:45

So is this a different guy to your last thrill seeking post?!

Olivia8484 · 02/12/2022 21:45

OLDanonymous · 02/12/2022 21:42

How did you meet this man OP?

We trained years ago and got on. Crossed paths again years down the line

Olivia8484 · 02/12/2022 21:46

MichelleScarn · 02/12/2022 21:45

So is this a different guy to your last thrill seeking post?!

“Thrill seeking”? That’s unfair. I was dealing with a cheating spouse and feeling vulnerable.

011899988I9991197253 · 02/12/2022 21:46

BornIn78 · 02/12/2022 21:29

You’ve had a name change fail @Olivia8484 and after reading your previous thread it’s clear you’ve pursued this man, in the full knowledge that he’s in a relationship with children.

He’s married, he’s bullshitting you, you’re his once a week lunchtime ego stroke and he’s already getting bored of it, hence the massively reduced contact.

More fool you.

Well spotted, @BornIn78, I think a lot of us remember the “courting” thread.

Just when you thought it couldn’t get more pathetic…

MichelleScarn · 02/12/2022 21:49

I’m a thrill seeker. I don’t know if I truly want him or just enjoy the attention

Your own words about the last bloke who was still in a relationship awaits getting told on and deleted

Olivia8484 · 02/12/2022 21:52

MichelleScarn · 02/12/2022 21:49

I’m a thrill seeker. I don’t know if I truly want him or just enjoy the attention

Your own words about the last bloke who was still in a relationship awaits getting told on and deleted

You’ve made your point but comparing a thread from last year to now is irrelevant. I am in a different place today and my question is in relation to someone I’m actually dating. Why the nastiness?

Olivia8484 · 02/12/2022 21:53

011899988I9991197253 · 02/12/2022 21:46

Well spotted, @BornIn78, I think a lot of us remember the “courting” thread.

Just when you thought it couldn’t get more pathetic…

Show quote history

I cannot believe the callousness. If it’s pathetic, scroll on. No need to be horrible about it.

LBFseBrom · 02/12/2022 21:53

You can find another chap who doesn't have so much baggage, and have a proper relationship. Don't look back! What you have now is not a relationship however much you may want it to be.

I wonder if you are actually ready to move on which is why you are at least reasonably happy seeing this man once a week in a public place. It's all very 'brief encounter'.

It might be better if you spent some time on your own, learning to enjoy other aspects of life, which can be pretty good.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 02/12/2022 21:55

Oh god love you. I'd bet my car to a bunch of bananas he is still with his wife and she has not the foggiest idea that he has "moved on". You're the bit on the side OP.

Olivia8484 · 02/12/2022 21:55

LBFseBrom · 02/12/2022 21:53

You can find another chap who doesn't have so much baggage, and have a proper relationship. Don't look back! What you have now is not a relationship however much you may want it to be.

I wonder if you are actually ready to move on which is why you are at least reasonably happy seeing this man once a week in a public place. It's all very 'brief encounter'.

It might be better if you spent some time on your own, learning to enjoy other aspects of life, which can be pretty good.

Thank you for this candid advice. I ended it with him today and I’ll take your words on board. I have so much healing to do.

BornIn78 · 02/12/2022 21:57

Ah ok, this married man that you’re meeting once a week for a flirty lunch, is a different man to the other married man that you were meeting once a week for a flirty lunch.

Got it.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2022 21:57

You can bet your house his wife is blissfully unaware that she and her husband are separated. I guess he forgot to tell her.

You're the other woman.

Olivia8484 · 02/12/2022 22:02

Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2022 21:57

You can bet your house his wife is blissfully unaware that she and her husband are separated. I guess he forgot to tell her.

You're the other woman.

I’ve just trawled his social media and his status is single. Clear as day and his wife is still on his friends list but no photos together or interactions since January 2022. Actually, since it shows she’s been on holiday with the kids and family without him in June 2022. Obviously I can’t see all her profile just her check-ins but his status changed to single in April 2022. I don’t believe he’s pulling my leg. Of course this is the first time I checked because I have always trusted what he’s shared with me. He’s a trustworthy kind of guy.

Olivia8484 · 02/12/2022 22:04

BornIn78 · 02/12/2022 21:57

Ah ok, this married man that you’re meeting once a week for a flirty lunch, is a different man to the other married man that you were meeting once a week for a flirty lunch.

Got it.

If it makes you feel better to spite others then be my guest…sticks and stones…

Cr3ateAUsername · 02/12/2022 22:12

Getting into a relationship with a married man, ah what could go wrong?

HundredMilesAnHour · 02/12/2022 22:14

Ar best he's emotionally unavailable.
At worst, you're an ego boost to a married man with kids.

Try finding a man who is actually single and available for dating, and leave the married ones alone.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2022 22:15

He’s a trustworthy kind of guy.

How would you know? You barely even know him. You know who he wants you to see at this point.

011899988I9991197253 · 02/12/2022 22:17

If you’re in the process of leaving a relationship, surely your focus should be on getting your child(ren) through such an upheaval, and not trying to line up their next stepdad?

Olivia8484 · 02/12/2022 22:17

Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2022 22:15

He’s a trustworthy kind of guy.

How would you know? You barely even know him. You know who he wants you to see at this point.

I met this man years ago. I know his circle, his reputation and I get that what I’m typing is hard for others to understand. I get it. If I lied and said he was completely divorced and lives somewhere else, then nobody would’ve bothered but I don’t need to lie.

Americano75 · 02/12/2022 22:21

Yeah, I bet it would come as a bit of a shock to his wife to find out that she was separated.

Summerfun54321 · 02/12/2022 22:25

hours between texts

how many texts are you expecting to receive from him in a day?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/12/2022 22:25

Agreeing with everyone who says he’s still together with his wife. This is an affair.