NC with family member for 18 years now in touch !! WWUD

[Highfivemum]

Will be careful not to out. Very close family member has been in touch after 18 yrs. I cannot go into detail as to why NC but suffice to say it was my choice. Haven’t told my DB or my DH as yet as they will.not be happy. They know first hand how this person treated me. The relative has announced that they wish to see me and no where I live. I can’t literally see this person it would bring back some awful memories and to be honest it already has. Should I ignore or tell them to leave me alone. The last contact I had was about 15 yrs ago when they contacted me and I ignored them. Should I do the same again. ? I literally do not want to see this Person. Would you reply or ignore and hope for best.

Ignore. Block them in every possible way. If they still manage to contact you report it as harassment.

You say they have announced that they wish to see you, so why not return the message via the third party they have used and make it clear it is never going to happen

I literally do not want to see this person.

So, don't. Ignore them, block them on whatever and move on.

Totally agree with this - and don't feel like you can't tell your DH/DB. It's not your fault they've made contact, they will want to know to support you!

Thank you.
shoiod have said they contacted me via letter. So they know where I live. No idea how but they do. I want to ignore but so worried they will turn up at door. Can you report this as haressment? They haven’t done anything yet

Ignore because if you respond you have begun to engage.

That is the worry.
they have put a number and email on the letter

Rip it up and return it to them. They might get the message then

I think if I were you, I would seal the envelope back up, and put it back in the post box marked 'Return to Sender'. Hopefully they'll get the message, but if they don't and turn up at your door, just close it in their face, or check who's there before opening the door.

Well my response to the father I'm no contact with who decided to ring me out of the blue after 20 something years was Fuck off so..if they try contacting only by written means ignore if by phone or face to face go for the above option.

It was very effective.

Sorry, I've reported my earlier post as wrong thread!

Ignore it.
I was in similar shoes and I chose to respond. It was a big mistake, They only wanted to contact me to try and make me take the blame for their behaviour. There were lots of mind games and manipulation from them. Arranging to meet me then them not showing up.
Only you know the person you are NC with and what they are likely to do, but I would advise against it. People generally do not change.

YANBU to not respond to this person, but I would tell your DH and DB what has happened so that if this develops further, eg by them turning up unannounced at your house, it won't come as a complete surprise to them and you can't be accused of hiding things from them.

thank you. I want to tell my DH and DB but they would not be happy then be worried sick they would turn up at my door. The letter arrived late morning and I have read it a hundred times. I really need to throw it in the bin and ignore it. I cannot let this person back into my life. Really don’t need this at Christmas.

Yes I know this is good advice. Just want to blot this out of my life

No worries

get a camera for evidence incase they show up.
If the person is any danger to you or behave in an aggressive way phone the police, they do take these things seriously.

To be honest I know if they turned up I would be a crumbling mess. When I got the letter it brought back all the old feelings that I try and forget. I just so wish I could be strong. Going NC took years for me to do. My DB has been NC for a lot longer but I was a gluten for punishment.

Ignore, don't return the letter (that would be engaging with them and would encourage more contact imo) bin it, but do tell your dh and db for all the reasons pp's have said, then try and forget about it, this person wants the letter to get you thinking about them again - don't let them win! All the best

As the person has treated you badly in the past, and as they have attempted to crawl back into your to life again, may be put your MH at risk as it could lead to triggers.

I would tellthem to take a long walk off a short pier, but what you do is up to you.

You literally can see them, you just don’t want to as it would make you ill.

Just ignore. No, you can’t report it as harassment because it’s one letter after well over a decade of NC.

I think it is fine to tell as many friends and relations as you can. Much worse to be holding it all on your own. It doesn’t need to be a drama hopefully but nor should you feel obliged to keep this person’s secret.

If you feel at physical risk in any way as a result of the letter it is fine to contact the police now to let them know about it. You don’t have to wait for anything more. Hopefully they will give you a direct line phone number to call if anything further happens. Often they will pay a visit to the nuisance person to politely let them know that more contact is not welcome.
If you wanted you could also tell the person who has contacted you that you have alerted the police and that any further contact will be seen as harassment.
Take all the action you need to feel safe and secure.

I do not feel physically threatened by this person. It’s the controlling , emotional torture. It is difficult to explain without outing but the mere idea of them knowing where I live makes me panic. I will tell my DB and DH later. I keep thinking I need to grow a set and deal with it but the mere thought of them sends me into a Spiral of memories I don’t want.

Thank you