NC with family member for 18 years now in touch !! WWUD

[Highfivemum]

Will be careful not to out. Very close family member has been in touch after 18 yrs. I cannot go into detail as to why NC but suffice to say it was my choice. Haven’t told my DB or my DH as yet as they will.not be happy. They know first hand how this person treated me. The relative has announced that they wish to see me and no where I live. I can’t literally see this person it would bring back some awful memories and to be honest it already has. Should I ignore or tell them to leave me alone. The last contact I had was about 15 yrs ago when they contacted me and I ignored them. Should I do the same again. ? I literally do not want to see this Person. Would you reply or ignore and hope for best.

shoiod have said they contacted me via letter. So they know where I live.

Put the letter back in the envelope and write on it "return to sender, not known at this address"

That’s good. But it’s worth worth remembering that it is illegal to knowingly cause mental or emotional distress through repeated unwanted contact. The police should be able to give you helpful advice in this situation. They are trained in de-escalating and won’t inflame but will guide you.

Good you don’t feel physically threatened I mean

You should tell your DB and DH.
Your DB may also have received a letter .
Better to be open about this and acknowledge the feelings it has brought back.
And ignore the letter. Burn it!

First, you need to tell your DH & DB. You need their support and not telling them is giving the non contact person (NCP) power.

I would suggest setting up a single use email and emailing NCP telling them clearly and firmly that you and your family do not want any contact with them. That you will treat any further contact as harassment and will take the appropriate action.
Then if they do pursue contact do as you said and take action.

This is not repeated unwanted contact. This is once in 15 years.

Could you just write ‘NO LONGER AT THIS ADDRESS - RETURN TO SENDER’ on the envelope and put it back in a postbox?

Well for a start you need to tell people but what is the context? Why do they want contact now? What is their reason after 18 years?

In any situation where I’ve received unwanted contact, I’ve chosen to totally ignore it. That’s always turned out to be the best choice. I think it’s probably the best for you. But as everyone else has said, don’t feel you need to carry this as a secret, tell those who love you.

No one goes NC with a close family member without very good cause. Ignore, do not engage, leopard rarely change their spots.

Thank you all. I have just told DH and my DB is coming round in half an hour. DH says I have to ignore it and throw it in the bin. With regard to context I don’t want to go into too much detail but it was just to say they would like to reconnect. My DB and I do not have any other family. Well any other family that we are in contact with. We are extremely close and I know he will be gutted that I have been contacted.

Quick update. DB a also had a letter. He got one yesterday. Didn’t say anything as didn’t want to worry me.

What about asking your DH to email telling them to leave you and your DB alone, that you're not interested and will not read any further attempts to contact either of you. DH could warn them that if they try to approach you IRL, the police will be called.

This happened to me a few weeks ago. My step sister who I had not spoken to for 20+ years turned up on my doorstep with no warning. I was totally speechless. I did not recognise her and she said I am your sister. I invited her into the hall and she handed me a parcel which contained some torn up photos of me as a child and ??2 plates. She left after 10 minutes I was a wreck. Was unable to ring my brother as he is in the states and it was 03.00. I was hysterical with crying and laughing, I wish you all the best I personally would ignore them🫢

I would be tempted to ignore. Do you know who passed on your address? Presumably not your DB as he also got a letter. As you don't have other family you are in contact with how did they get your address? Regardless I would not engage.

I don't want to worry you but I have a family member that I went NC with. I ignored several attempts from them to contact me and then one day I was sat on my sofa and they appeared at my French doors. I was totally horrified. I would urge you if you can to send a very clear message maybe via your DH someone who may intimidate them that they must stay away. I would hate anyone to go through the experience I've just been through it had really caused my MH to nose dive. Please be careful and best wishes.

It literally would leave me a wreck too. Sorry you are experiencing similar.
My DB is very strong. Much more stronger than me. He suspect who has passed our details on but we do not know for definite. He has already ripped up his letter. Both my DH and DB have both said to do the same with mine. It is funny though I thought I was in a good place. Yet one little letter put me back nearly 20 years. All those suppressed feelings came back and I could have thrown up. I will rip it up and ignore it. I really don’t want to prolong it by emailing or getting DH to email.
thank you all

Oh no I am so sorry. That sounds truly awful. I hope you managed to sort the situation.

Please consider getting some therapy to deal with your trauma. It will help you deal with any future unwanted contact. Suppressing your feelings doesn't really work as a coping strategy. It is hard to do but worthwhile. You are stronger than you realise.

I totally agree with you and if I was advising someone in my situation I would say exactly the same. However I really do not want to talk to anyway about it. My DH knows as he has known me since we were four. Although I know it is wrong I feel blotting it out and avoiding contact works for me. I have ripped up the the letter and going to try and not think about it .

What I meant was that if the OP says she doesn't want any more contact and it continued despite that, then it would be a matter the police would probably follow up on for her. She said she was worried that the person knew where she lives, implying she is concerned they might turn up to her home

This would be my worst nightmare, I am NC, with my mum. I would absolutely hate for her to get in touch.

I saw a medium a few years back, never seen her before, only knew my first name, no surname, no phone number or no address the first thing she said to me as I sat down was you don’t speak to your mum, I was absolutely shocked and said err no I don’t, she said it’s a permanent break, you won’t ever hear from her again. That she has an acid tongue, and nothing I did or didn’t do would change the outcome and that it wasn’t my fault. I laughed I know it’s not my fault, she said your Nan needs you to know that she knows it’s not your fault. She also told me my mum had been married 4 times, I said no 3, she insisted definitely 4. Not inconceivable that in the last 15 years that she may have remarried, I suppose. I just hope and pray the Medium is right, as I don’t need anymore of her constant drama and spitefulness in my life. She knows nothing of diagnosis of Transverse Myelitis and later Multiple Sclerosis, thank goodness, I can just imagine the drama that would have caused me at a very dark time in my life when I was very ill suffering acute relapses. Other family members know about my dx they don’t have contact with her, either after absolutely despicable financial abuse of another family member. I don’t know why I have typed all of that OP, but great to get it off my chest.

My mums feet wouldn’t touch if she ever tried to get in touch, that door has been firmly closed. I will never, ever forgive her and for ignoring my sons never sent a birthday or Christmas card, she is one nasty bitch. But I don’t wish her harm, I just want to to stay away from me and mine for the rest of our lives.

Keep the letter as evidence in case they contact you again. You can invoke police action if it happens twice or more.

I am so sorry that you have had such an awful time. You are doing the best thing. NC helps but can be so hard. I wish you nothing but happiness and no knocks on your door from your DM

I have already binned it. As had my DB. I knew if I didn’t I would look at it again. My DB screen shot it first though. Thank you