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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you're unhappy with your life, it's probably your relationship that's a key problem?

27 replies

TaylorMiffed4 · 02/12/2022 09:52

Just that really. Unhappy lately.

Relationship is ok but dull and stale over the years. Could it be that or are there other reasons that I need to get to the bottom that are making me happy. Eg. Endless wfh, rubbish social life etc. there are as many positives to stay as there are to consider leaving, if not more.

So this is more of a generalist question - if you're unhappy in your life, is it usually because you have problems in your relationship too on some level? Whether big or small.

OP posts:
Insaneinthemembraneee · 02/12/2022 10:05

No my unhappiness is due to work
I can't wait to get home every evening to my partner.

It sounds like you aren't getting out enough op; you wfh & don't socialise enough.

Insaneinthemembraneee · 02/12/2022 10:08

I should add I've not long had an internal transfer at work to another team, I'm not really settling in.
They all already had their little clicks when I joined.

Hibye23289 · 02/12/2022 10:12

Yes I felt like this actually! I have separated from my dh this year and feel better about it along with help from tablets etc. So when I was married I was always so scared to be happy, what was the next financial fuck up would do, what promise will he make and fail what more tension and arguments can happen, it was always on my mind, I questioned why I was never happy never happy about money, I would look at other people and compare their happy marriages or how they look like they dont struggle financially. I would see my mum and she was so cheery and I just never had that naturally in me, I felt so flat and miserable, having digs at my husband all the time making myself feel negative not being the person i wanted to be.

Now we are apart I am not scared to feel happy, I don't keep thinking one day I will be happy when he just changes his behaviour or when we just save that bit of money he financially lied all the time and i thought money was the be all and end all and felt grabby but now I don't feel like that its just I was so desperate from hismess

Hibye23289 · 02/12/2022 10:14

..sorry posted too soon. So yes I would see people and think why are you so happy, i would feel more moody around the kids, it would always be on my mind at work about dh stressing me out so yes it defo spills out into your life

BeyondTheLetterOfTheLawTheLetter · 02/12/2022 10:17

Semi-agree

I'd say it is generally something circumstantial that feels impossible to change, whether your relationship, family, health, or employment.

tenbob · 02/12/2022 10:18

I’m sure this is the case for a lot of people, but not everyone

For me, my marriage is the only thing keeping me going while work, school and other admin is pushing me to the edge of my sanity

Getoff · 02/12/2022 10:19

Insaneinthemembraneee · 02/12/2022 10:05

No my unhappiness is due to work
I can't wait to get home every evening to my partner.

It sounds like you aren't getting out enough op; you wfh & don't socialise enough.

Everything wrong with my life was due to my spouse. Any other problem that was theoretically solvable, I could solve, but I couldn't stop them doing the things that made me miserable.

If my job made me miserable, I could change jobs, or even stop working. I couldn't get rid of my spouse without potentially having to buy them a house, which would mean working an extra ten years.

But I guess not every married person is in that situation. My spouse certainly wasn't.

SeenAndNot · 02/12/2022 10:23

No that’s far too much of an overgeneralisation. People can be unhappy for many different reasons and it’s often nothing to do with relationships.

Original poster
TaylorMiffed4 · 02/12/2022 10:28

Interesting replies from everyone 😊

It's made me think maybe I need to rephrase my question.. "how to know if it's your relationship or other factors that are making you unhappy"

I guess that summarises it better..

OP posts:
Mammillaria · 02/12/2022 10:29

Sounds like every middle aged man blaming his midlife crisis on his wife.

I do agree with the PP who said it's probably largely circumstantial. Seems a bit like jumping to blame all of one's problems on other people to automatically pin it on the relationship though.

10HailMarys · 02/12/2022 10:29

No, not for me. When I'm unhappy with my life, my relationship is actually the thing that keeps me going. It's definitely the most positive thing in my life.

Whatatimetobealivetoday · 02/12/2022 10:31

Not at all, my life would be considerably worse without my partner, he keeps me sane, supports me and gives me a reason to live and push on everyday.

I have had mental health problems and at a times feel deeply unhappy but knowing I have a strong, loving partner inspires me to keep going.

SuperGinger · 02/12/2022 10:33

I would say if you are unhappy with yourself and have low self confidence you will feel unhappy.

Relationships can play a part but not always. Weigh up the alternatives carefully, but obviously if you are in an abusive relationship it is better to leave.

Some people have what I call "grass is always greener syndrome", for example, I would be happier if I was single, had more money, better hair etc. Trying to enjoy small things like a blue sky, a hug from your child,celebrating little things and doing a gratitude journal sound a bit silly but really help wellbeing and happiness.

NaughtyKnee · 02/12/2022 10:34

I think you can cope with one thing being off. A poor relationship but, but decent finances a good social life and a job you love will still feel like a good life for most.

It's when two or more of those things are bad at the same time that life feels miserable.

But also, I do think we need to be better at "loving ourselves" and learning to appreciate what we have. Corny as hell, I realise, but I don't think people who don't will ever be happy, no matter how good they have things.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 02/12/2022 10:35

Nope. My disability and my kids' disabilities.

FrozenGhost · 02/12/2022 10:37

I see what you mean but I think it's often the other way around. When you're happy in life, a normal/meh relationship is quite tolerable. If you are unhappy in life, a meh relationship can seem like the final insult and can become your focus and get all the blame for everything.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 02/12/2022 10:38

It could be your relationship but there are other equally likely causes.

Work
Social life/hobby/pet
Friends
Family
Health
Housing
Money

Are the main ones. It could be any one or a combination of several.

You could be unhappy because one of those is drastically wrong or more likely it is a few mounting up. Look up trigger stacking, you might cope with a shit job for years but when your relationship is going through a rough patch and money is tight too you reach a crisis. One of those things alone you could cope with, two might be tough but three feels overwhelming.

It is very likely that ending your relationship won't be a solution to all your problems and won't make you instantly happy if your feelings are due to multiple issues. I think you would be less uncertain if your relationship was the only cause. The fact you don't know and don't describe any major issues suggest that your relationship is just one factor of many.

That doesn't mean that you shouldn't try to improve things but have a careful think about all the factors and what you have the power to change.

ShadowPuppets · 02/12/2022 10:39

I’m getting over PND, if it weren’t for my husband I 100% wouldn’t be here. So I don’t think this is true universally.

Hillrunning · 02/12/2022 10:39

Not for me. My relationship is better than I could have imagined. But my work is frustrating, I miss my parents and have few friends. Everyday I'm thankful for my husband.

CrotchetyQuaver · 02/12/2022 10:48

Yes I think so. I was very frustrated with my DH in so many ways. So a bad relationship.

Dreadful things happened elsewhere in my life which forced me to take a long hard look at myself. In that time I realised the other awful things had been triggered by a domestic violence incident in a previous relationship which I had "dealt with" by trying to bury it at the back of my mind. In hindsight not a good idea, I should have sought counselling at the time. Once I worked out that the true reason I'd married him was because he wouldn't hurt me, I was able to move on and look beyond what I perceived as his shortcomings and realise it wasn't entirely his fault. I talk to him when I need to now about when he's not doing enough and we move on instead it being the old yelling which never achieved anything. I am much happier and so is he and he gets more done instead of sitting around doing very little on his days off although I have to nag a bit. Life is much much better for all of us since I worked it all out, was able to put it behind me and move on.

CrispsnDips · 02/12/2022 10:51

Just thinking about this morning..I need to look at the bigger picture sometimes: my husband works hard and devotes himself to us and the home. However, he can cause me to feel miserable because he’s an absolute misery himself sometimes: moaning, and getting angry, about the cost of living!! He doesn’t cope well in stressful situations either and has caused upset over the years…

I think he’s pretty much just a normal bloke but I get really critical of him when he’s being so irritating ..and it might be my problem. I can’t change him so my solution is to stop dwelling on his faults and focus on something else 😃

DenholmElliot11 · 02/12/2022 11:31

I agree somewhat.

I also think that a huge amount of "depression" isn't actually depression but more "shit life syndrome".

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 02/12/2022 11:35

I think unhappiness is life boils down to your relationship with yourself. The strength of that relationship plays out in all your other relationships in life - to people, food, money, work, exercise etc.

bloodywhitecat · 02/12/2022 11:43

My relationship made me very happy, it wasn't perfect but it was a happy one. Being widowed, along with the suffering DH had to go through, has made me deeply, deeply unhappy.

5128gap · 02/12/2022 11:45

No. The most unhappy I've ever been was due to bereavement. No pain like that, as its out of your control and can't be fixed, while in an unhappy relationship you always know on a level you can end it if it gets too much. Health issues are similar, as is anything where you know there won't be an end in sight and you can't improve things. Its unhappiness without hope that's the worst.
I think a really great relationship can give the strength and diversion to make other issues bearable though, and a poor one makes everything worse and tarnishes the good things in life, so its still a very significant factor in happiness.