Keeping up with pace of life.

[Needarest22]

I don't know if it's the time of year, but keeling up with the pace of life is exhausting me now.

For context, I'm a single parent to 2 dcs. I work full-time in a demanding (somewhat flexible but high stress job).

I try to provide my children with opportunity so between them they have clubs every day after school and sports matches every morning early at the weekend.

On top of this I have to cook clean and all the usual house things.
.
I am having trouble keeping up with it all. I have no family support nearby. Other parents do help with lifts sometimes but still..

I cannot reduce my hours as ex contributes next to nothing (long storey) so I need a full time wage to make ends meet.

AIBU in just finding the pace of live overwhelming?

I used to do it as a kid that age, I just used a scoop strainer rather than tipping the whole pan. I still do that now when I've got a lot of water and it's heavy!

But if you don't start, they'll never get better at it!

Mine did swimming at that age because I think it is an important life skill. Then another one of their choosing. These chopped and changed to suit their interests so there was ballet, brownies and guides and other things too. They both swam on the same day (bit of hanging around for the different timings) but had one thing each. DD2's favourite was ice skating which she stuck with until she was 16 (and covid shut the local rink which STILL hasn't reopened!)

I teach and some children do express a bit of disappointment that they have to go to x/y activity after school, especially if they are at an age that they have to go to a sibling's activity too. They need down time.

She does! She puts her dirty clothes in the basket, helps me put it in the machine, and take it out, hangs up socks and pants on the lower levels of the rack, puts it back in the basket when it's dry, and helps me to put it all in the relevant drawers. None of these things are complex skills!

And so do you, OP. I'd be knocking the rugby on the head if it isn't enjoyed and reclaiming a lazier Sunday.

I voted yabu because it is so obvious that your dc doing an activity everyday is going to be draining for you. There is no point having a physical collapse, so that you do not feel that your dc are going without.

Okay. Whatever. The rest of us are clearly terrible parents bringing up incompetent children.

My dc always (from when they went to school) put their plates in the dishwasher, kept their rooms tidy (to varying degrees of success at different ages, but it was their responsibility) and they put their clothes in the laundry basket and put them away after they were washed.

At 11 they helped unload the dishwasher and laid the table. They also vacuum their own rooms and dust them as well as occasionally vacuuming downstairs too.

In high school, especially if they wanted particular clothes washing for a certain date (eg pt job uniform) then they didn't just dump clothes in the wash basket for me to do at the weekend, but they put a load on of whatever colour they needed washing. And they iron their own clothes. And they strip their own beds and put those on to wash at the weekend. They also learned to bake certain things and know how to cook simple dinners.

It built up as they became more independent. As a result DD1 went away to uni happy to be able to live independently and was amused at the number of her student mates who didn't have much of a clue around laundry or cooking - or keeping a kitchen and fridge clean!!!!

But it’s you that plans and supervises the whole process, you’re hanging up most of the heavy clothes, you’re reading and interpreting the instructions, it would be quicker for you to do it yourself. Which is not to say you shouldn’t be teaching your toddler to do it or that OP’s sons shouldn’t learn to do it, but that in itself is a time investment and time is what OP doesn’t have. In the same way your toddler doesn’t really bake her own cake, seven year olds can’t be put in charge of their own laundry and cooking and cleaning, it’s just ridiculous and unhelpful to say they should. Especially not these specific ones who have the same excessive demands on their time as their mother does, plus homework and a need for more sleep.

If it makes you feel any better, my DC only do one after school club, and that's enough for us. This won't be the same for everyone, but my DC really benefit from having free time at home after school to unwind. I can get stuff done during that time too.

I don't think that's true at all, I think that we as a society in general have completely moved away from the idea that children are capable, competent beings worthy of responsibility. I think we're consistently not giving our children the chance to take pride and responsibility for their own environments, and in doing so we're not just depriving them of vital lifeskills, we're missing repeated opportunities for them to feel a sense of achievement and belonging!

I still remember how proud I felt the first time I made dinner for my family. It was pasta pesto, I was 7, I did it in the kitchen with my mum - she was doing the washing up and meal prep for the next day whole she supervised me, we were listening to Take That, and I did the whole meal myself. It felt incredible.

@MolliciousIntent I don't actually disagree with you that getting our children to be independent is important. My personal bug bear is the children who are not allowed to be at home alone when they're 14 or who have never walked to school alone or gone to the park or the shop. So I get it.

But, while it sounds like you were able to do pasta pesto aged 7, I do think you are being somewhat unrealistic about what's achievable for most children, and most families who don't necessarily have the time and space to do this level of oversight.

As I've said upthread, DD does quite a bit and there are other things I haven't mentioned like vacuuming, bedroom tidying etc. But anything with a pot, a stove and boiling water is a bit beyond her. But DS has been cooking a few basic things on the stove for a year or two now - makes eggs, toast, microwaves things etc. And he's got fine motor skill problems so probably DD will do it from earlier than him.

I've been there OP. It is relentless

The biggest thing that helped me? A complete lifestyle overhaul. I, every single day, made sure the food I was eating was the best nutrition I could get - and that alone made my energy levels rocket, then I made sure I maximised my sleep - so I went to bed as early as I could and practiced good sleep hygiene, I rarely drank alcohol, and made sure I walked / exercised as much as I could to keep fit.

I wouldn't want to give up the clubs / activities either - and I didn't.

You are doing a great job

I did also get them to 'do shit' though! I do agree with that sentiment - they are better for it

They were walking to school on their own by Year 6 (1.5 miles) etc.

I quite agree. Mine have been sent up chimneys as soon as they could crawl. No mollycoddling on my watch.

Nothing more constructive to add to the good suggestions you've already received, but from a lone parent, I hear you and totally get your commitment to giving your kids a good life and trying to minimise the effect of circumstance.

It's bloody tough!

I really don't get the pearl-clutching about this! Surely it's weirder that an 11yr old doesnt have chores?

I also don't get those who seem outraged at the idea of kids having chores. I genuinely think we do them a disservice as parents if we don't equip them with life skills. These are the kids who go off the university and can't cook properly or do their own laundry and ironing. Why would we not teach them?

This has gone off topic though. The OP has enough on her plate at the moment without teaching her dc to cook. But they can certainly wash up/load dishwashers, put away laundry and hoover.

Clubs and sports seven days a week as any parent, much less one flying solo means there is zero time for self care in op's life. You can't magic hours and energy from nowhere. Balance is required.

Cut back the clubs, step up the self care and get the children on a rota for chores. It is excellent for their own sense of independence, being capable and useful and increases self worth, even from a young age.

I would also further down the line you see the kids that have been over scheduled struggle with their mental health, burn out and they seem to be riddled with anxiety and entirely unable to just relax and be. They can't decompress and struggle as teenagers as they don't have the tools to know how to look after themselves and stop.

I would be cutting back for THEIR sake not yours. It is way too much. Your kids will start to become exhausted, grumpy, irritable and eventually under achieve.

Well yes, obviously, and I said as much in my post. The issue is that the OP doesn't have the time right now to do that.

Thanks all. I will reflect on all of this. My eldest has gone on a sleepover this morning instead of his football match and the lie in until 9.30 was bliss! Youngest DC went and let the dogs out for me for their wee and fed them bless him!