My 14 year old talks ALOT! WIBU to tell her to tone it down a bit and how without hurting her feelings?

[Tryingtobehappyagain]

I've got 3 daughters... A 17 and 14 year old and a 21 month old. My 14dd can literally talk and talk and talk. I swear she has gills cos it sometimes feels as though she doesn't breathe through her talking. She's been like this for some years now but now, I'm a single mother due to my husband, their father passing away, so I can't divide her talking between her dad and me. I work full time, I'm disabled with MS and very Much struggling to cope with everything atm. My family live far from me so it's very much me and the kids. From the minute she gets home she talks and no one can get a look in. My 17dd will try and talk at the slight pauses but then gets moaned at by my 14dd that she not finished... I then have to point out that it's only fair that she gets to talk to me also as you've had a lot of time already. What I'm asking is... How can i explain that she talks to much without hurting her? My baby is literally dragging me to play with her. My 17dd is trying to talk to me about her day and I'm literally followed everywhere by my 14 year old who is talking to me from the time I collect my youngest from nursery (5pm)...through tea time, clean up kitchen after tea, going to the toilet, bathing my youngest and sorting her for bed. I put my youngest to bed... Then my 14dd is in the bathroom with me whilst I'm showering... I'm sure You get my point. I'm walking around the home trying to get things done.. In shear agony I might add and she following me talking. I'm constantly apologising that it looks like I'm being rude cos I'm having to crack on with everything and it looks like I'm not paying any attention... But I've got to get things done. I then when she's in the shower will go to my 17dd and ask for her updates so then she can talk without being talked over etc. I just need to somehow try and get her to understand... My head is swimming from everything. I've not even sat down since I woke up in the morning because of work. Not had a coffee. Nothing.. Its all go go go.. ALL THE TIME. I've gotta divide my time between the 3 but obviously the baby takes alot of my time also. Even she's now grabbing my face and making me look at her when my 14dd is talking to me. Like she's saying... "MOM... LOOK.... READ... DRAW... COLOUR... PLAY". I just feel like sitting at the top of my garden and hiding sometimes. I will add that when my 14dd is talking, it's very animated, dramatic and dramatised. she also goes off track a lot and loses her train of thought through her rambling. It's like I'm watching a pantomime or an American drama TV show sometimes. She speaks sooooooooo quick that I then have to have her repeat what she's said cos the words are blurred together. BUT, she starts from the beginning cos she can't then just carry on from where I've just said I heard from. This obviously in turn drags it out longer. I wonder if she's like this outside the home? When I'm off work at the weekends if she's out with her friends it's soo peaceful. I can then concentrate on the other kids more and try and catch up with, bills, running the house, ringing the family etc. Any advice would be gratefully received cos im at a loss now. Probably cos I just don't get time to think except when she's in bed. 9pm that is. 6am till 9pm is my day. I get 1 hour to myself where I then cry for my husband till I go to sleep. Help! Please!

I'm sorry for your loss and it sounds hard. It sounds like she wants your attention - maybe she's worried what might happen to you if she's not there with you, and what might happen if she stops talking. It's also possible she could have a neurodiverse condition - has she been screened for ADHD or similar? Good luck going forward.

I’m really sorry for your loss for all of you. I think the loss of her dad is causing her to follow you around and constantly talk to you. Have you gotten her any bereavement counselling? She may have fears of something happening to you that is making her constantly interact and talk with you.

She’s been through a lot. Sounds like she really needs to talk. Does she have other safe people to talk to? Are there any charities that would offer her counselling or a young people who’ve lost a parent support group? Or a family friend to ring her up for a chat (could be someone who isn’t local). I wouldn’t say anything directly about it but I’d just try to give her other spaces to share her thoughts. It may all seem trivial but I’m sure there are deep feelings under it all.
There’s a book written by a trauma expert (adoption social worker and mum of four adopted children)‘a adopted daughter called Charley Chatty. It’s designed for small children but sums up perfectly what’s probably going on. I’ll try to attached a screen shot of the blurb.

Is there any way you could get the 14 year old and the 17 year old to talk and LISTEN to one another - get them to do co-counselling, or reflective listening.

Does she want to talk about herself or is it just chatter? If the latter could she befriend an elderly neighbour?

I honestly don’t think it would be wrong to give her an hour slot, or any amount of time you think is reasonable, for her to tell you about her day. I wouldn’t say anything about her talking too much, but would explain to all the girls that you love them all and want quality time with them but also need some quiet time for yourself. You could then allocate them a time. I know this is not really possible with the little one, but you could allocate say 20 mins when the older two leave you be, to play a game with the little one. Then when you’re making dinner you could give both the girls equal time to talk separately. Literally set a timer.
You could then say that if anything very important crops up where they really need extra time you will always be there.
You could also ask your chatterbox to put some of her thoughts down on paper.

You will have to stick to your guns, and remind the chatterbox that it’s your time now to have some quiet time. Give her a hug and send her in her way. Maybe she could listen to music or have ipad time while you rest.
You sound like a wonderful Mum. I’m sorry to hear your husband has passed away.

Trust me. Better that she is talkative than closed in and locked in her own head. Talking really isn’t a huge issue.

I think pp have a good point that this may relate to the loss of her dad. Was she like this before he passed away? And is she like this with others?

If she’s like this with others I’d be inclined to bring it up with her as she will struggle socially if she drives her friends mad by dominating the conversation. I’d see it as an important social skill to help her master.

Was she like this before her Dad passed?
Is it a conversation or just talking 'at' you and others.
Adhd comes to mind - girls present differently to boys and are more likely to be inattentive type than hyperactive.
You have my sympathy. A relative is like this and it’s relentless

I'm so sorry for your loss op. You have a lot of pressures you are handling so make sure you ring fence some time for yourself on a weekly basis, even if it's just an hour or two.

Agree with pps that your middle child may be severely anxious and it manifests itself in talking constantly and wanting your attention and reassurance?

Another possibility, although this could be completely wrong , is have you considered that your DD may be autistic? Perhaps talk to her school. Being "broadcast to" or "spoken at" can be a sign of asd.

If the above doesn't seem likely then try the following techniques:

¶ When you are busy and don't have time to talk to her, quickly stop what you are doing, turn around, look at her, and and hug her, or place your hands on her head or shoulders, or her arm , in a comforting way, and let them rest there for a long moment. So you are replacing talk with a brief intentional physical touch until you can get to the point when you can speak to her to properly. This technique is usually used for younger DC but you never know, it might work!

¶¶ Perhaps ask the eldest to baby sit the youngest, take your middle dd out for a coffee alone and really focus on her and say you have noticed that she wants to talk a lot and ask her gently "what do you need from me?" and then fall silent and see what she says?

¶¶¶You could then try and ring fence one hour one-on-one time with her on a weekly basis outside of the house and then you can get to the point where you say "I am sorry, I am busy doing X right now, could we please talk about it properly during our "special hour"?"

¶¶¶¶Another technique is to ask her to write the subject down on a square of paper which she "posts" in to a jar, and then you take the jar out to prompt you to discuss the subjects at "special hour".

¶¶¶¶¶ At home, at the table, when discussions get heated or everyone is talking over everyone else, you could try the wooden spoon (or carrot) method. Whoever is holding the spoon or carrot , gets to speak for 3 mins and everyone listens and then you pass on the spoon or carrot to the next person to reply. Maybe try that at the table regularly and get your eldest on side first, and eventually the lesson sinks in.

Good luck!

Sorry to hear you’ve been through a lot. I have no answers really, as I’m struggling with my own, slightly younger chatterbox.

Mine will talk non-stop from the moment she gets in the car until she goes to bed and will often call me into her room to say more things she’d forgotten to tell me. She runs through every single thing that happened and was said during the school day.

It’s lovely that she does talk to me and she’s so animated and giggling away but it’s exhausting and I feel terrible when I have to stop her to do something. Like you, I often can’t hear all of what she’s actually saying as she blurs all her words together, she speaks so fast.

I honestly think it’s the only way she can process her day and switch off in the evening, so I’m loathe to put her off. She started writing a diary for a while, which I think helped a bit, but she missed a few days during a holiday and felt there was too much to catch up on. I must encourage her to take it up again and not feel perfectionist about it.

I was exactly like this, and I still can be but have to work hard to control it. I've been diagnosed with ADHD so that may be something to consider for your daughter. The problem is still significant in my life, but I'm starting medication soon which may help with impulsivity, including impulsive talking.

I'd try to find out how she feels about her excessive talking? I say this as my parents assumed I was quite happy to be chatting away, but it actually felt like something I couldn't control and I often wanted to shut down but couldn't (i.e. if I wasn't talking, my mind would still be racing with thoughts, which is harder to deal with).

I was also very aware that my excessive talking was annoying to people, so I developed very low self-esteem about it, yet I still couldn't manage to stop when I was around people I was very comfortable with.

Of course, I do love talking so I wasn't miserable every time I was talking too much, but that was one part of it.

Your daughter is likely to feel ashamed when you bring up the talking, but it would be worse for you to not address it. Try to do it in a way that shows you value what she has to say, and you wish you could listen all day, but it's not fair on your other children that you are spending most of your time with her.

When my parents were busy, I personally preferred for them to say 'I need half an hour to do this job and then I can focus on you', rather than only half-listening to me. I do wish that they put in more boundaries like this, as I struggled slightly with excessive talking in friendships.

The other thought that occurs to me op is you really could do with some rl support. There is no shame in needing help. You are widowed, with three DC, a full time job and serious health issues. Have you tried citizens advice or your local MS society support group:

www.mssociety.org.uk/care-and-support/local-support

It doesn't ever seem to stop as they got older

DS2 is 22, still living at home, has just got home from work and hasn't stopped talking at me. I was trying to watch Question Time, but have given up now. It's nice that he still talks to me, rather than the old teenage grunts but OMG please just take a breath!

Could she be clinging to you through fear of losing you too? My 14 year old DD is a chatterbox and follows me everywhere. She's just said to me this evening I just keep coming back like a boomerang don't I 🤣 she just enjoys my company thought, likes to chat, likes my opinion on the things happening in her life/school. But my time isn't really needing to be shared as my DS is older and working so out of the house a lot more.

I echo what a pp has said here. I have ADHD and am like this too. Medication doesn't always help it to be honest, some days more than others. Combination of too may thoughts/mind not being able to rest, almost an attempt to try and clear it out out at times, plus poor impulse control, poor working memory (can't save info for later as will forget) and/or hyperfocusing on topics/interests. Worth looking into. Activities that help get her out of her head and into her body may help, and perhaps dome journaling. Literally do a mind dump then perhaps a time to talk with you later arranged. People with adhd have time bindnessJ so dont realise how long tgeyve been speaking/doing something either. Just be sensitive as my mum told me I talk too much and so nobody does/will like me. That reverberates in my head decades later...and still I often cannot curb the talking.

This might sound counter productive and weird but, you need to listen more. To her. Just her no baby. Try to keep your own grief back. Hold eye contact. Ask questions and listen to the answers. Play cards or a board game.

Some of the above suggestions about seeking counselling or family bereavement therapy are good and I'm sure this problemis linked to your shared experienceof loss. In the mean time I think it would be perfectly reasonable to tell your DD that you need time and space without listening to her sometimes and need to give the others some attention too. If she ignores this then remind her that it's important to respect others personal space and this includes having some recognition that constant talking at them really isn't OK. Letting her carry on like this won't be in her interests either in the long run. My DD is a talker - a sort of constant stream of consciousness and relaying every thought. It drives me mad and I tell her to reign it in, kids need us to help them be aware of how the present to the world and I don't want her to loose friends or get in trouble at school because she doesn't know when to stop talking.

I also agree with this. An hour of focussed listening is worth much more then 5 hours of trying to gently bat her off without saying why.

(sorry third post!) The other thing that occurs to me as a mother of teens is that we as adults often expect our teens to treat us more like fellow adults and have an awareness that when we are feeling overwhelmed or we have our hands full, they will recognise that and be rational about it and back off a bit.

Also, when we are ill and tired, that they will dive in and help a bit.

To my shock though, I discovered that my younger teens did the opposite! (They are much better now that they are older!) But my younger teens seem to detect any temporary weakness or fragility in me, with the accuracy of an Exocet missile and exploit it mercilessly! It's quite a shock when it happens but I think it is BC it may coincide with a period when they are feeling very fragile within themselves. And so they test you for reassurance.

That doesn't really help you op, but maybe provides more insight in to the problem?

Finally (and I hope this doesn't come across as rude) but should we read anything in to the fact that your op has no paragraphs? 😆

I was also going to say that it sounds like ADHD. Both the incessant taking and the going off at tangents and losing the thread of what she's saying. Maybe worth looking into if she has any other symptoms.

Does your 14yo do any out of school activities? Good friendship groups who share her interests? My teen DD could talk until the cows come home about Taylor Swift and gets sulky when I don’t want her regaling us st dinner with her latest playlist and the logic behind it. Some evenings I am very glad to pack her off to her clubs so she can get all her talkieness out with likeminded teens! I really empathise, when you are the only adult. ABC it sounds like you really need some quiet time to engage with your grief. Have the children had bereavement support; could that be a useful outlet? 💐

This is the kind of thread that makes me feel thankful for the OP that mumsnet exists.

OP I am sorry for the loss the four of you had gone through. It sounds like very difficult time for all of you.

As a middle child, the arrival of a baby would be a big disruption, especially with such a big age gap. Loosing a father so young is unbelievably hard. So maybe she feels lost and you are her only constant and she wants to engage with you and not loose any moment. Maybe she really dislikes being alone too. Maybe she's running away from her real thoughts that are too difficult yo deal with. So keeping busy by talking to (at!) you is her way of escaping, coping.

Would she talk less if she was spending time with you whilst actively helping you with your chores? It would also give her a sense of helping you in real terms.

Do you ever talk to her specifically or with all children together about their dad and your loss? It is a very difficult thing to do and a lot families in similar circumstances avoid the topic. But it might help all of you.

Of course she could be one of those (unfortunately, annoying) individuals that talk nonstop. But if this is a recent development, I'd suggest is a way of expressing some sort of emotions.