My 14 year old talks ALOT! WIBU to tell her to tone it down a bit and how without hurting her feelings?

[Tryingtobehappyagain]

I've got 3 daughters... A 17 and 14 year old and a 21 month old. My 14dd can literally talk and talk and talk. I swear she has gills cos it sometimes feels as though she doesn't breathe through her talking. She's been like this for some years now but now, I'm a single mother due to my husband, their father passing away, so I can't divide her talking between her dad and me. I work full time, I'm disabled with MS and very Much struggling to cope with everything atm. My family live far from me so it's very much me and the kids. From the minute she gets home she talks and no one can get a look in. My 17dd will try and talk at the slight pauses but then gets moaned at by my 14dd that she not finished... I then have to point out that it's only fair that she gets to talk to me also as you've had a lot of time already. What I'm asking is... How can i explain that she talks to much without hurting her? My baby is literally dragging me to play with her. My 17dd is trying to talk to me about her day and I'm literally followed everywhere by my 14 year old who is talking to me from the time I collect my youngest from nursery (5pm)...through tea time, clean up kitchen after tea, going to the toilet, bathing my youngest and sorting her for bed. I put my youngest to bed... Then my 14dd is in the bathroom with me whilst I'm showering... I'm sure You get my point. I'm walking around the home trying to get things done.. In shear agony I might add and she following me talking. I'm constantly apologising that it looks like I'm being rude cos I'm having to crack on with everything and it looks like I'm not paying any attention... But I've got to get things done. I then when she's in the shower will go to my 17dd and ask for her updates so then she can talk without being talked over etc. I just need to somehow try and get her to understand... My head is swimming from everything. I've not even sat down since I woke up in the morning because of work. Not had a coffee. Nothing.. Its all go go go.. ALL THE TIME. I've gotta divide my time between the 3 but obviously the baby takes alot of my time also. Even she's now grabbing my face and making me look at her when my 14dd is talking to me. Like she's saying... "MOM... LOOK.... READ... DRAW... COLOUR... PLAY". I just feel like sitting at the top of my garden and hiding sometimes. I will add that when my 14dd is talking, it's very animated, dramatic and dramatised. she also goes off track a lot and loses her train of thought through her rambling. It's like I'm watching a pantomime or an American drama TV show sometimes. She speaks sooooooooo quick that I then have to have her repeat what she's said cos the words are blurred together. BUT, she starts from the beginning cos she can't then just carry on from where I've just said I heard from. This obviously in turn drags it out longer. I wonder if she's like this outside the home? When I'm off work at the weekends if she's out with her friends it's soo peaceful. I can then concentrate on the other kids more and try and catch up with, bills, running the house, ringing the family etc. Any advice would be gratefully received cos im at a loss now. Probably cos I just don't get time to think except when she's in bed. 9pm that is. 6am till 9pm is my day. I get 1 hour to myself where I then cry for my husband till I go to sleep. Help! Please!

this worked for me ..

Explain to all the kids that they will each have 10 or 15 minutes of your time, uninterrupted by other peoples updates. Explain this is fair to everyone and others can choose to listen or do something else elsewhere. Use a timer (buy hour glass online if visual needed) and give short directive reminders if children interrupt ..‘it’s Jenny’s talking time, your turn is next’. Be uncompromising and set clear boundaries but do it nicely. Do not get into discussions with others, instead fully focus on the child whose talking time it is.

just to add, giving 100% of your attention to each child when it’s their turn, uninterrupted by cooking, dishes or whatever. Sit down with refreshments, make yourself comfy, good eve contact, ask relevant questions as prompts.

Clearly it is a huge issue for the OP and this excessive talking is draining her energy and effecting her mental health and her relationship with all three of her children. If it has only started after the loss of her father it is likely related, speak to FP about grief council for yourself and your children.

*GP

I think there is some mental health or neuro diversity going on and regular parenting might not work. I have inattentive adhd - sounds like she might have these too. Please google for symptoms.

DSS does this and he also talks REALLY loudly. He, I and DH were in the garden the other day discussing something that people are generally one one side or the other of. I won’t mention it here in case it starts a bunfight as our opinion is definitely the more controversial side 😆 Anyway, I just firmly told him that he had to be quiet as people could be listening and it’s also not fair for him to basically be shouting. He also talks 19 to the dozen and interrupts us all the time. With the incessant talking, we both just have to politely and firmly say that it’s our turn to talk now as it’s been all about him for too long. He once did it in the car for two hours and I wanted to tear my hair out. Just be firm.

With my son, if we were talking about something difficult that was likely to cause an argument eg naughty behaviour at school, we actually had a ‘talking stick’ and no-one could talk unless they had it. Stopped it descending into mayhem and resolved things quicker. Obviously that’s not really for daily use.

Hi OP . Everyone giving some decent advice. I just came to say that as an adult I know other adults who do this and it is exhausting. Best to knock this behaviour on the head now while you can change it. It is very antisocial and egotistical to obscure the social needs of your other kids and you.

You sound like a wonderful Mum. What I say to my two girls (8 year old in particular follows me around and talks which is lovely but tiring!) is I need 10 minutes of quiet time. If my daughter comes in I put a timer on I just need 10 minutes. I insist on it sometimes when I’ve had work and just need 10 minutes. I then go straight to them so they know I’m ready to listen x

I’d say it’s more likely the having a baby/toddler alongside MS that’s draining her energy.

She then doesn’t have the resources left to help her 14yo who is clearly struggling, adjusting to the baby, grief, wanting time/connection with her mother etc. She can probably sense her mum’s distance/annoyance and is trying to overcome that.

Agree with the therapy idea.

I can imagine if this is how your DD is in general friendships will not last long or be difficult to form. Seems an added reason to tackle this.

We are all on waiting lists for bereavement counselling, unfortunately no one will take us on under 6 months from the incident. Effectively we are all having to cope without any help. I do find it extremely frustrating that the kids can't be seen earlier. I can't get my head around this.
In no way am I showing any frustration to my 14dd. I am interested in what she's saying but I do get easily confused with the fact she goes off route so much. Obviously before she was able to split the information overload to both her dad and myself... Now it's just me. She's very like her dad in many ways. He was just the same tbf. 2 peas in a pod. She was a daddys girls 100%. I just don't know how to get help when no one is helping. I've tried cruse, holding on and letting go and winstons wish to name a few. And nothing! Anyone got any other ideas I could try and reach out to? I would appreciate it so much. I just want to help my kids and be there as much as I possibly can for them. I just don't know how/what to do it. My 14dd is a character for sure. She's sooooooooo smart and luckily the loss of her dad has not affected her grades. She has always thrown herself into every after school group and drama/acting classes, sports groups ... On top she does piano lessons to. She's got loads of distractions as such but then that's just covering up her hurt I think. I just would love to be able to sit and listen without any distractions. I would love to be able to devote time for her... I just don't know how to do this. I'm so lost. I'm always told by my work colleagues that I should quit work cos my health is just getting worse. I want to be someone my kids can look up to though. I don't want to lose the battle with my health. I can just give up. I don't know how to do that. I need to have longer days lol.

I will say, we had a talking wooden spoon but that was for serious discussions and opinions only.

I need to be a great mother and now father to my kids! I need them to have ME some how. Its just so messy atm. I think the routine in the home has been shook badly and I don't know how to get it back on track alone. My health is against me in so many ways.