To just to be left alone when working?

[22FrustatedUser]

WFH in new job.

Been in office the last 4 working days for on site training, completely new field as I've retrained and need to focus on it, in the office was fab, head down get on with it.

At home, have a dedicated office.

Parnter works self employed part time, very adhoc hours sometimes out of the house but not often, semi retired, doesn't socialise.

Always unwritten and known rule, door shut on office = keep out, I need to focus or on a call.
Despite this though partner will still open the door and put down a hot drink when they have made one or will enquire if I want one.

All through last year this would get to a point where I said, Thanks but no thanks if I want a drink, lunch I'll get it myself, I'm fine. As I found even just the act of a "Do you want a drink?" would throw me off my train of thought and if I said no thanks, I'd get an invite to a conversation starting up when I just need to focus. Partner was put out that I would ask to chat at lunch instead, or I'd come out if I was on a break.

Went unheeded. Quite a few snappy moments where I would say "Honestly I'm fine, just leave it, I appreciate the gesture but I'm good."

It got the point where the door handle would turn with yet another "Hot drink?" and I was starting to snap "I'm good thanks!" but they'd still put the coffee/hot drink down if they'd made one or about to ask.

This will happen an upward of 6 times a day.

Today with new role and trying to undertake bespoke software training on Teams, trying to pre empt it I got a coffee before starting, 20 minutes later, I still got a fucking cup of coffee on my desk. Partner tried to open the door and I immediately kept my hand on the door to keep it closed as I was at a point of needing to concentrate. Resulted in an argument which as led to me being called "Ungrateful sod when only trying to do the decent thing and they are thinking of me." But I've said time and time again NOT too.

Please tell me I'm not alone in finding this infuriating at my requests to be left alone, or am I being a miserable bastard?

Did you even read the OP? She doesn’t want a drink. In fact, at one point she already had a drink and said she didn’t want another and he did it anyway. She said no to a drink, to all drinks. Six times a day! She’s WORKING. She’s asked for zero interruptions and he’s interpreted that as “I can interrupt as much as I want, because I’m holding a drink that you don’t want”.

oh jeez, this sounds like my parents when i tried working from home at their house for a few days! I think they were genuinely shocked that I closed the dining room door and worked as if I was in the office. It's nice that people offer to make you drinks etc but the disruption isn't helpful and personally, I like a break from my desk to make drinks and lunch.
Put a lock on the inside of the office door?

DH hates it when I interrupt him but happily disturbs me (I have a hybrid arrangement). It’s annoying. Not sure what I’d do though, I just disturb DH back and when he moans I point out he did it first.

Yes, I did, she is uptight.
Does she bolt her door and tell everyone to leave her alone in the office?
Unlikely.
That's my opinion are you going to passively bully me because you don't like it?

A quick drink upwards of 6 times a day when it breaks much needed concentration as you are learning g your job? It also sounds like he tries to start a conversations. She is not saying a normal break schedule ie two breaks and a normal lunch break. Getting interrupted constantly! Especially asked after being asked over and over and over and over, again up to six times a day to not interrupt as she is WORKING!!!

it is disrespectful, rude and just plain wrong. A brown ass adult is perfectly capable of understanding she is working and can not be interrupted. If he was more compliant with her wishes she would probably be more open to having lunch and one coffee break with him when her work allows. Key point, when her work flow allows said break, not when he is bored and wants company.

He needs to find a hobby, if you don’t have a dog, get one or some other pet. Pets are great company, for him! He needs something to keep him occupied while you work as what is happening now while he is semi-retired is not working.

Retirement isn’t always all that’s it’s cracked up to be. When you have worked all your life, had a purpose and suddenly there is nothing on those days, and then with you working, nobody to associate with, it can be lonely, boring and a bit sole sucking. I have and am living that life as a single mom. He needs to find a new purpose on those days that is not bugging the crap out of you. As I suggested a pet, volunteering, a hobby. Something, anything.

I wish you good luck.

She doesn’t need to bolt the door when she’s in the office, she says: need to focus on it, in the office was fab, head down get on with it.

Disagreeing with you and being flabbergasted that you’ve interpreted constant interruptions that she’s repeatedly asked to stop as “a quick drink” is not passively bullying you. HTH.

Why on earth is it uptight to refuse a drink when you don't want one?
Why is it uptight to expect your husband to give a shit about your job?

You asked if I'd read the op. Which is can you not read? Normally taken as being rude.
Passive aggressive.
'Please tell me I'm not alone in finding this infuriating at my requests to be left alone, or am I being a miserable bastard?

I changed miserable bastard to uptight to be kind. I just didn't agree with the prevailing viewpoints. I don't mind DP making me a drink or calling if he's out to see if I or we need anything.

He needs to find a new purpose on those days that is not bugging the crap out of you. As I suggested a pet, volunteering, a hobby. Something, anything.
Husbands who are married to curmudgeonly women do tend to find hobbies. There are lots of threads about them on the relationship boards.

This would drive me mad. I hate it when DP works from home because he wants to talk to me about his day while I'm working.

He's an adult. He's been told nicely many times. It's time to be very blunt.

Who TF wants like 8 hot drinks in a day anyway!? It's almost controlling of him, having to get in your space, giving you no peace, affecting your ability to work.

Show your husband this thread.

Not the same at all. It was a long OP, I’ve been on MN long enough to know that plenty of people only skim the OP or just read the title and start typing in their reply. I wouldn’t ever ask “can’t you read?” because it’s obvious you can and also I was once deleted for asking that because I was being rude

On this occasion I wasn’t being rude: your post struck me as so missing the fundamentals of the OP I assumed you skimmed it. Apologies; what’s actually happened is you’ve clearly read the whole thing and jumped to a ridiculous point of view on it.

DH was prone to just wandering in. I now have a bolt on the door and a kettle in my office.

I think you’re having a bit of a hard time understanding things, aren’t you, Princess?

100% YANBU

I COULD HAVE WRITTEN THIS POST MYSELF

It's come to the point where I'm having to explain in detail to my DH do NOT come in to the office I m doing

• interviews

-HR investigations

He forgets sometimes
Last week a coffee brought to me when I am in conducting an interview I was bloody mortified

And then I feel ungrateful as he's trying to do something "kind" but just pigging leave me alone

Presumably your other half does not ignore you when you say you haven’t got time for a fun lunch that day, and doesn’t carry on bringing you food/drinks, @PrincessConstance - which is very different to the OP. She needs to be left alone, so she can concentrate on her work, and has repeatedly told her dh that his interruptions, however well-meant, derail her train of thought and disturb her work.

It isn’t ‘uptight’ to want a working environment that works for her. She isn’t demanding utter silence in the house, but just wants to be left in peace to work. @22FrustatedUser is not you, and her work needs are different to yours - that doesn’t make her uptight.

Imagine you have a really tight, important deadline. You say to your dh “I’m really under the pump today - I won’t have time to stop for lunch, and I really need just to be left alone” - and he ignores that and keeps on popping in with drinks or wanting a fun lunch, or ringing you to ask if you need anything - can you not see how that might be infuriating? Would you like being called ‘uptight’ if you asked him to just leave you alone to work?

Even though I could 100% work from home and we work together in our business - I choose to pay and have a separate desk at a cowork centre- for exactly this reason- my H also likes to fill me in on virtually all his calls /frustrations etc- it actually made me feel very old (ok I'm 60) having someone around all the time- I realised I like space

My H used to think it was ok to just start randomly chatting when I was working. Fucked me off no end. Thank god he is now back in office FT.

I was hybrid before it was a thing, when i was in the office and hitting a hard deadline i had earphones in, it was code for fuck off I'm concentrating.

I'm head of a department and directly involved in £600m worth of expenditures. So yes I'm incredibly busy at times, with a mixed team of competent and incompetent members.
In the main he leaves me alone, yes he does ask, I just say no. Then some days I'll search him out if he's around. Yesterday my lunch break was taken up with a discussion about our plans this weekend.
I think in general people don't take kindly to I'm fucking busy leave me alone.
I did once lecture him about me working from home, however, l was stressed and took it out on him.
The op asked a question, of whether she was a miserable bastard or not. I think she is, seems like the board has others who are intense whilst working.

Is it because it’s hot drinks, traditionally seen as a nice thing – office tea rounds, “shall I put the kettle on?”, sit down and have a nice cup of tea – that you think the interruptions are OK, even though she’s literally asked him not to multiple times, @PrincessConstance? And the OP clearly drinks hot drinks at times so she should appreciate it!

What if it were boob honks? Maybe they enjoy boob honks at the weekend but she’s asked DP not to honk her boob during working hours. But she enjoys it at the weekend and it’s a nice thing! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! All through the day. DP, please don’t honk me: honk! Don’t be so uptight, accept the honk!

Or perhaps flowers, flowers are nice. Would it be OK to interrupt someone once an hour with a bouquet? Or a basket of kittens? A mariachi band? Perhaps something horrible instead: since hot drinks are nice it’s OK to interrupt someone with one; but is it OK to put a snake on her desk six times a day? She’s said not to but that’s really uptight, she should have another snake.

I take dp drinks when he works from home, he's grateful!

Right, you've put your boundaries up clearly. He thinks hes being nice. Get a little shelf or table outside your office door, when he makes a hot drink he can put it there and just tap on the door to let you know and you can either get it or not. When the cups start to pile up he might get the idea.

Do make sure you get appropriate breaks though it's easy to just barrel through when you WFH.

People work, focus and concentrate differently.

Some people need to go into deep concentration to get work done - I’m one of them. I need to make my own breaks, and if I’ve got into concentration mode I can get work done really quickly. I then need a break before focussing on the next task, but it needs to be of my own making. If I get pulled out of concentration it takes me ages to get back into it.

Some people work really differently I know, and can dip in and out over the course of the day, getting a bit done at a time.

We’re all different but he needs to appreciate and respect the kind of worker that you are, even if that’s not the way he works.

You’ve clearly set a boundary and he’s not respecting it.

My way of approaching it (may not work for you) wouldn’t be to lock the door but to role play out in a calm conversation about it (either in my head or with a trusted friend.) Then when I felt ready have the calm rational conversation with DH/ OH (having thought of and countered every possible opposition argument) explaining my feelings and trying my best to understand his and find a suitable compromise .

However, if after that conversation, my boundary was not respected I would set up some kind of contraption involving a bucket of gunge from 90s kids tv, so that every time I was unwillingly disturbed they’d get their comeuppance!

Not unreasonable. DP and I both work from home full time but we're very different. He finds it very easy to just get straight back to his work after a distraction but him "popping in" to me even for a minute can throw me off for half an hour. However, once I explained this to him, he immediately stopped coming to randomly say hello etc.

He should be listening to you when you tell him not to interrupt you.

This isn't about you though, is it? it's about the OP being interrupted with drinks she doesn't want several times a day, when she's already asked DP not to interrupt her hen she's working and trying to concentrate.

The op asked a question at the end of her post.
I think she is uptight.

I know, follow Mumsnet curmudgeon posters, tell him to fuck off, and then see how he communicates. Pretty early on in our relationship, I asked Dp not to text whilst I was at work. He wasn't prolific by any means, now he just doesn't at all.
I think sometimes these things have to be handled sensitively. This guy is using acts of service and unwittingly being a nuisance.
Lecturing him sternly, and telling him to fuck off isn't a pleasant way to handle it.