To give DW an expectation?

happiertimes123 · 2022-12-01T00:48:34+00:00

DW and I (also female) have been together for a number of years now. DW has ADHD and has historically had a tough time with holding down a job. It's happened again and DW wants to leave her job and try and do something else. We are fine financially and I can tell that DW is struggling with her mental health around the job specifically so I am fine with this but I would like DW to make a plan: get some proper help with her ADHD, get some career advise and settle on something. I understand that interests become very intense and then tail off quickly with ADHD but it is a complete roundabout of DW changing her mind many times. Last time this happened DW got bored and disregulated and kind of fell apart a bit. I think a concrete plan will support this to not happen, as it means DW has a better hold of things. Is it controlling of me to ask this of DW? AIBU to think that you do need to have a bit of a plan before leaving a job?

dolor · 01/12/2022 00:52

Stop setting her up to fail.

Living with ADHD is fucking exhausting.

chocolatemmmmm · 01/12/2022 00:55

@dolor please could you explain which part is setting her up to fail? Genuinely curious so that I can help adult friends with ADHD. I personally would have thought what OP suggested was overall supportive, so keen to learn.

StarManDan · 01/12/2022 00:56

I dont understand the prior posters response to you! I don't think you're setting her up to fail. You're not setting her up at all? I think you're being understanding and a good DW because you are trying to do the best for her.

Not sure if a plan or advice will change anything though. ADHD brains are wired the way they are, and when it's time to fall off and lose interest it's one of those things.

Ponoka7 · 01/12/2022 00:56

I think it's best to concentrate on support for her ADHD. Then go about making a next move plan. The career advise might not be appropriate if she can't stick to something long term.

Themind · 01/12/2022 03:05

When it's something that affects your family it is not controlling or setting someone up to fail or indeed expecting a grown adult to get support for their condition. It'd drive me mad not knowing when my husband was going to change his job. The chopping and changing would drive me nuts.
I know your wife has ADHD but it's not too much to expect her to seek support.

Nn9011 · 01/12/2022 04:11

You're being unreasonable. NT people have an idea that you should have a career path and that's it but this doesn't work especially for people with ADHD and I can guarantee if she's struggling mentally enough for you to see because of her job she's at serious risk of burnout and being unable to work at all.
I don't think getting help with her ADHD is a bad thing and if you have bills and responsibilities that will be impacted by a career change then in general I think it's reasonable to ask her to have a plan before leaving a job but if it's impacting her mental health then you also have to take that into consideration.
Many people with ADHD career hop and it is not necessarily a negative thing. Expecting her to pick a job and settle with it for the rest of her life is setting her up for failing and you for being disappointed because it's very unlikely.
I recommend you actually do some research on ADHD and understand how this effects your wife.

Auntiealie · 01/12/2022 04:15

You sound supportive and plan, if it was a physical illness and you said she could leave and start a plan to help her you’d be applauded. Totally fair to work on improving things with her & for her too & then consider a different job that might cater better for her needs!

Auntiealie · 01/12/2022 04:15

And kind*

Shoxfordian · 01/12/2022 04:51

It seems reasonable to me that you should ask her to find some support and make a plan for what to do next

Original poster

happiertimes123 · 01/12/2022 11:04

dolor · 01/12/2022 00:52

Stop setting her up to fail.

Living with ADHD is fucking exhausting.

I'm not setting her up to fail. I'm autistic, and I'm perfectly aware that neurodivergence is exhausting. But I also accept my responsibilities.

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Original poster

happiertimes123 · 01/12/2022 11:07

Nn9011 · 01/12/2022 04:11

You're being unreasonable. NT people have an idea that you should have a career path and that's it but this doesn't work especially for people with ADHD and I can guarantee if she's struggling mentally enough for you to see because of her job she's at serious risk of burnout and being unable to work at all.
I don't think getting help with her ADHD is a bad thing and if you have bills and responsibilities that will be impacted by a career change then in general I think it's reasonable to ask her to have a plan before leaving a job but if it's impacting her mental health then you also have to take that into consideration.
Many people with ADHD career hop and it is not necessarily a negative thing. Expecting her to pick a job and settle with it for the rest of her life is setting her up for failing and you for being disappointed because it's very unlikely.
I recommend you actually do some research on ADHD and understand how this effects your wife.

I'm not NT, I'm autistic. I'm also not expecting her to settle down with one thing forever, I know this won't work for her. I'm expecting her to spend some time diversifying her skillsets and concentrating on a few things that will end up bringing income in, but actually do that rather than doing absolutely nothing.

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Original poster

happiertimes123 · 01/12/2022 11:09

Last time she quit her job she sat on the sofa for 6 months watching tv and doing absolutely nothing whilst I worked 50-hour weeks to keep us afloat, did all the housework and animal care. I'm not expecting her to choose something to do forever, that won't work with ADHD, but I do not want a repeat of a very difficult 6-month period in which I burnt out completely.

I think she is more responsible now and won't take advantage like that again, I'm just worried about the possibility of it happening again.

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RandomMusings7 · 01/12/2022 11:13

happiertimes123 · 01/12/2022 11:04

I'm not setting her up to fail. I'm autistic, and I'm perfectly aware that neurodivergence is exhausting. But I also accept my responsibilities.

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Ignore Dolor's "advice". She has a major chip on her shoulder and thinks you can't possibly expect someone who suffers with ADHD to take accountability for anything in their life. Which is silly and unhelpful.

I think your action plan sounds great.

BrieAndChilli · 01/12/2022 11:23

what sort of things does she do now?

would something a bit more mindless work for the short time eg stacking shelves in a supermarket - I did it during furlough when my hours were cut even though I work in an office based job. I actually quite enjoyed it - just turn up, stack up the section you were told to then go home. no stress or things hanging over you til the next day. Mentally would be easy and allow her to bring in some money while she works out what to do next

AccioChocolate · 01/12/2022 11:27

You don't sound unreasonable in this situation, and you have been down this road before with her. It might be that she has to have this time though and that you can't take it. There's not always a perfect, fair for everyone option.

Gensola · 01/12/2022 11:27

I have dyspraxia and adhd but I take responsibility for getting support and putting strategies in place to mitigate the effects. I don’t expect my DH to pay all the bills because I’ve left my job without a plan 🙄

Original poster

happiertimes123 · 01/12/2022 11:28

BrieAndChilli · 01/12/2022 11:23

what sort of things does she do now?

would something a bit more mindless work for the short time eg stacking shelves in a supermarket - I did it during furlough when my hours were cut even though I work in an office based job. I actually quite enjoyed it - just turn up, stack up the section you were told to then go home. no stress or things hanging over you til the next day. Mentally would be easy and allow her to bring in some money while she works out what to do next

She currently works in tech. Loves the job but hates the company and the people. To be honest they don't get her ADHD at all and that really is the main problem.

Shelf stacking is what she's applied to for now funnily enough! Nights too, not days, so quieter. I think it's a great idea.

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Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 01/12/2022 11:41

What support does she have for her ADHD? Is she taking medication? What does her psychiatrist suggest?

A concrete plan isn’t really worth the paper it’s written on to the adhd brain so the above is pretty fundamental to any progress

Original poster

happiertimes123 · 01/12/2022 11:45

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 01/12/2022 11:41

What support does she have for her ADHD? Is she taking medication? What does her psychiatrist suggest?

A concrete plan isn’t really worth the paper it’s written on to the adhd brain so the above is pretty fundamental to any progress

No support. No medication, she has a heart condition and has been told she cannot take any ADHD medication as they are all stimulants so it is too much of a risk. She currently self medicates with weed instead which isn't ideal but does help. Not as much as ADHD medication would though.

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CarefreeMe · 01/12/2022 12:06

YANBU

I have autism and ADHD and I manage to hold down a job fine.

I am constantly looking for new jobs and have a folder full of business ideas that I continually add to and a bunch of half finished projects but as a single parent I have no choice but to stick to my job unless I find something new.

I’ve managed to overcome the feeling of being bored at work by having a very busy job (SEND school) where no 2 days are the same and regularly doing extra training.

She needs to take responsibility for her actions.
What would happen if you weren’t there paying the bills?

If she can’t manage her ADHD and it’s having a massive impact on her life then she is going to have to take extra measures.
Not just for your sake but hers as well.

YellowTreeHouse · 01/12/2022 12:07

YANBU. She needs to get help. This isn’t fair on you and she can’t just use it as a convenient excuse.

kittensinthekitchen · 01/12/2022 12:09

happiertimes123 · 01/12/2022 11:45

No support. No medication, she has a heart condition and has been told she cannot take any ADHD medication as they are all stimulants so it is too much of a risk. She currently self medicates with weed instead which isn't ideal but does help. Not as much as ADHD medication would though.

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That's not true. There are non-stimulant type ADHD medications.
Has she been fully diagnosed with ADHD by a specialist?

Menopants · 01/12/2022 12:14

I have been in your wife’s position and have flitted from job to job. My brain can get ‘stuck’ due to anxiety, imposter syndrome or just the sheer pointlessness of some work. I have had therapy and try and exercise my enthusiasms outside of work. Ultimately she does need to find a way of managing her reactions to the workplace. It’s not easy but it’s essential. Shelf stacking will not work for long btw. Good luck to you both.

Original poster

happiertimes123 · 01/12/2022 12:22

kittensinthekitchen · 01/12/2022 12:09

That's not true. There are non-stimulant type ADHD medications.
Has she been fully diagnosed with ADHD by a specialist?

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Yes diagnosed by a specialist and both the specialist and the GP felt uneasy at giving her stimulant medication. They didn't mention a non-stimulant, do you have any other info on this?

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kittensinthekitchen · 01/12/2022 12:29

happiertimes123 · 01/12/2022 12:22

Yes diagnosed by a specialist and both the specialist and the GP felt uneasy at giving her stimulant medication. They didn't mention a non-stimulant, do you have any other info on this?

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I believe (assuming you are UK), the options are Atomoxetine or Guanfacine for non-stimulant medications.
It's really sad that the specialist has not discussed these options with her considering the impact of her ADHD diagnosis