To give DW an expectation?

[happiertimes123]

DW and I (also female) have been together for a number of years now. DW has ADHD and has historically had a tough time with holding down a job. It's happened again and DW wants to leave her job and try and do something else.

We are fine financially and I can tell that DW is struggling with her mental health around the job specifically so I am fine with this but I would like DW to make a plan: get some proper help with her ADHD, get some career advise and settle on something. I understand that interests become very intense and then tail off quickly with ADHD but it is a complete roundabout of DW changing her mind many times.

Last time this happened DW got bored and disregulated and kind of fell apart a bit. I think a concrete plan will support this to not happen, as it means DW has a better hold of things.

Is it controlling of me to ask this of DW? AIBU to think that you do need to have a bit of a plan before leaving a job?

Thank you so much. We have moved health boards since her diagnosis so hopefully the specialists in our new area will be more useful. We'll look into these and get an appointment booked.

Yes DW had frankly awful support from our old health board. It was basically, 'yep you've got ADHD, now off you go and get on with it'.

You can ask her to set up am appointment butcher ADHD means it's going to be difficult for her to prioritise doing that. You are better off accepting the roundabout of jobs if she is happy and accept that that is the baggage she comes with. As long as she is contributing to the best of her ability that's all she can do. At least she isnt spending a fortune and out of work for prolonged periods.

Haha yes I already sort the life admin in this house due to this.

I am ok with the roundabout of jobs in principle as long as it doesn't drain our emergency fund every time etc. However we do want children in a few years and I would be carrying and taking maternity leave etc. So I do worry about that from a security aspect as my wage alone could not carry us all as our children cost more.

I do empathise with you, it must be difficult shouldering a lot of the responsibility. Good luck x

@thecaseofthepurplecushion i think what your asking or any of your concerns aren’t unfair in the slightest (speaking as someone with ADHD but acknowledging all ADHD people are unique.)

Yes living with ADHD is fucking hard work, as is living with someone with ADHD. BUT ADHD isn’t a get out of jail free card to willfully mess up and cause conflict and worry in any type of relationship.

You’re understanding of your DW need to change career for her mental health but that doesn’t give her the right to disregard your needs and damage your future relationship plans. This is a loving partnership so she needs to support you in corresponding ways to the way you support her.

Asking her to have a plan (whatever form that takes) so she doesn’t get lost in her ADHD and put an unfair burden on you is just acceptable boundary setting in my opinion.

Maybe work collaboratively on what the plan could be or get an ADHD coach involved (highly recommend have a looked at Access to Work funding to help pay for it maybe)

You may find by working together or her with a coach she doesn’t perceive that your putting conditions on things and triggering an emotional response that can then cause arguments etc. Also working with a coach she may actually find a career that fits and gives her scope to move and change with her ADHD needs.