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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU NOT to force our DD to stay over night at her dads house?

50 replies

Imjustdone · 30/11/2022 20:06

Me and my DDs (11) dad have been split for over 7 years now. DD used to stay at his house every Friday night till around 3pm Saturdays.. then once a month a Saturday too. During covid the Saturday dropped as she didn't want to stay 2 nights.

Since covid and a spell of norovirus in April her anxiety levels have gone through the roof so in July I put a temporary stop to over nights completely as she hated them and the build up during the week was getting too much for both me and DD.

DD is currently having counselling once a week to help her anxiety but since her DF has had a CMS review and her not staying is no longer shared care and his payments have increased he is now insisting we go back to the routine we previously had and forcing overnights and even holidays.

Now I have always supported her relationship with her dad, he lives 5 minutes around the corner. Never stopped him having her any extra time he has requested but I dont support forcing her to stay the night if she doesn't want to. I have compromised and said I will tell her she has to stay every other Friday but dealing with it emotional breakdowns and anxiety this causes every week. It is not fair on her or myself.

It's also important to say she won't sleep anywhere else either. Not even her best friends.

So AIBU to tell him I'm not supporting forcing her to stay?

OP posts:
Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 30/11/2022 20:23

Can you manage without his extra contributions if it is the finances which are driving his change of attitude?

KangarooKenny · 30/11/2022 20:24

I agree about the money, and he shouldn’t be forcing anything.

HelpIcantfindaname · 30/11/2022 20:26

My 14 yr old is the same. She suffers from anxiety & no longer enjoys staying over at her dad's. She likes her own room in the house she has always lived in, where she feels most comfortable right now.
Her dad lives 20 miles away so staying overnight would make more sense, & I know he is sad about it
But there's no way I'm going to force her to do anything which makes her anxiety worse.
She goes for the day sometimes but often doesn't want to do that. I do encourage her to try & go for a few hours so she can see her grandparents & little cousin, she does cope with that , & enjoys seeing them once she is there.
Money wise it doesn't affect us as ex is on such a low wage we get very little anyway
I really think your daughter should stay where she's comfortable, & her dad will have to suck up paying more maintenance. He can't really expect her to do something which causes her so much anxiety just for the sake of a bit of money.
If she is OK going for a few hours she could do that, so she still has a nice relationship with her dad.

Cherrysoup · 30/11/2022 20:27

Is he presumably aware of her anxiety and reasons for not wanting to stay at his? If so, why on earth is he trying to force it?

magicscares · 30/11/2022 20:28

No way would I make my dc stay over if they didn’t want to. There must be a reason for it & she needs to know you have her back & respect her wishes.
FWIW I had this with my younger dc & with time & the pressure taken off, he felt more comfortable with over nights. But I wouldn’t make him go if he didn’t want to.

Fireyflies · 30/11/2022 20:30

Couldn't she go for the day instead on a Saturday? That would give her quality time to build her relationship with her dad, but remove the pressure of oversights for another year or two maybe until she's more able to cope with them

FfayeN · 30/11/2022 20:38

Cherrysoup · 30/11/2022 20:27

Is he presumably aware of her anxiety and reasons for not wanting to stay at his? If so, why on earth is he trying to force it?

Probably because he actually wants to see his daughter. Mumsnet is always full of people dad bashing those that don't want to see their kids. This an wants to and isn't being given the chance too.
I get the anxiety, but he's her Dad. How is he ever meant to build the relationship if this initial step never happens because DD doesn't 'want to'. It's quite sad really my brother had the same issue.

Naunet · 30/11/2022 20:39

What a father, putting money over his daughters mental health 🙄

YANBU

FfayeN · 30/11/2022 20:41

OP hasn't said the finances are the only reason he wants to go back to having DD overnight?! Is that the case?
I do get his disgruntlement though, it's not his choice that the arrangement has changed.

healthadvice123 · 30/11/2022 20:43

@FfayeN mumsnet will never see both sides

Naunet · 30/11/2022 20:44

FfayeN · 30/11/2022 20:41

OP hasn't said the finances are the only reason he wants to go back to having DD overnight?! Is that the case?
I do get his disgruntlement though, it's not his choice that the arrangement has changed.

So him only moaning about it since he’s had to start paying more maintenance is just a coincidence?!

Woahtherehoney · 30/11/2022 20:56

Yeah please don’t force her to do anything. I used to stay with my Dad EOW when I was a kid but hated it as I didn’t really like him - one weekend I really didn’t want to go and my Dad literally tried to drag me and I cried begging to stay home with my Nan and she point blank refused to let him take me and I was so much happier when I didn’t have to go.

anxiety in kids is a real thing, I’m so glad you’re listening to her.

Original poster
Imjustdone · 30/11/2022 21:02

When I stopped overnights she still went on a Friday. 5 till around 10/10:30ish then went back Saturday morning till 4ish on Saturday so he still gets plenty of time with her she just doesn't feel comfortable staying the night.

It's not about the additional money, he's a high earner (120k+) so I already get enough to help support her and save for her..its only an additional £100 so happy to go without it.

If she had her way she wouldn't bother seeing him at all but he is her father and that is not an option!

OP posts:
Panpastels · 30/11/2022 21:05

Don't force her.

dragonfly16 · 30/11/2022 21:05

Her dad may be more willing to compromise if you tell him not to give you the extra money.
Then encourage DD to spend the day with him on weekdays, she may get comfortable enough to move to overnights of her own accord.

Fireyflies · 30/11/2022 21:08

Yes I would ask him to give you the amount to maintenance as if he was having her one night a week but have a full day instead.

Original poster
Imjustdone · 30/11/2022 21:09

I'm not here to bash him..he wants to be a good father but he can't help being judgmental, arrogant and emotionally dismissive around her and it makes her feel uncomfortable.

He already told her this weekend gone that the iPhone he's been telling her he was getting her for Xmas might not be happening as "I have to give your mother 2 iPhone worth of money every month because your not staying anymore so you should stay".. she was devastated (he doesn't give me that much).

She's 11 and I can't make excuses for his behaviour anymore because she understands

OP posts:
Original poster
Imjustdone · 30/11/2022 21:15

He won't see her weekdays, even though he lives 5 minute walk away, because he works long hours.

I told him when we broke up I will happily facilitate contact anytime. I think in the 7 years I've only said no twice to additional time he's asked for as I had already had tickets booked for something. Any other time I've rearranged or cancelled our plans so she can go with him.

I really have tried to encourage and support a good relationship between them since the day I left. I didnt have a relationship with my dad so it's been very important to me.

I absolutely understand he is annoyed and sad she doesn't want to stay but our DDs emotional wellbeing is the most important thing and I'm trying to support both him and her!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/11/2022 21:15

Have you explicitly told him that it's what he says to her they is the problem and that if he carries on he will lose her altogether?

Is it truly in her interests to spend time with someone bullying her - criticising her and destroying her self-esteem?

She is of an age where the courts and Cafcass would listen to her wishes.

If he dragged it through the courts who knows what Cafcass would recommend due to her age?

Original poster
Imjustdone · 30/11/2022 21:17

Oh I've told him..plenty of times and given him ideas on how to help move their relationship forward but then he does the opposite!

OP posts:
Friarclose · 30/11/2022 21:17

There must be more to this. He's her dad why wouldn't she ever bother seeing him if she didn't have to? That's really sad and doesn't seem fair on her dad.

Naunet · 30/11/2022 21:20

Friarclose · 30/11/2022 21:17

There must be more to this. He's her dad why wouldn't she ever bother seeing him if she didn't have to? That's really sad and doesn't seem fair on her dad.

He doesn’t sound very fair on her.

Kids don’t tend to want to distance themselves from their parent without good reason.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 30/11/2022 21:24

Ask him if rearranging CMS saying she stays over when she doesn't, and reducing payments to previous amounts is what he wants. If you can do without the money that would be an easy enough compromise so everyone gets what they want and your daughter what she needs.

FfayeN · 30/11/2022 21:26

It sounds as though he has no idea how to converse with an 11yr old girl, and that's sad. Does he have a new partner? Any other children? If not then I get why he doesn't have the experience and is saying all the wrong things in the hope it'll get her to stay. I fear he is acting with the best intentions and getting the worst outcome!!! Could your daughter suggest anything she'd like to do with her dad to get them on the right track? He sounds like he needs some guidance, and that won't be easy to swallow from an ex-partner. I hope you manage to find a resolution x

RandomMess · 30/11/2022 21:26

Protect her from him, those words are doing so much damage.

Give him the increased CMS back and tell him to stick it where the sun doesn't shine.

Empower your DD to see him only as much as she wants to.

What counsellor is she seeing? Can you have a session with them to express your concerns over your ex and what is in DDs best interests and how to support or in what she wants and what she needs around her relationship with her Dad,