I should start with, this is mostly historical. But I’m trying to understand if I’ve done something wrong. Or if I should have done something wrong… (named changed because this is outing!)
so. I’ve been friends with A for almost 20 years. We have a small group of friends and even though we’re in different places in life we’ve always stayed fairly close.
Last year we all went on holiday. B did the maths wrong and at the last minute needed everyone to pay about £200 more per head.
A struggles with money. She rarely has any to spare and I can appreciate that may be difficult. However, for as long as I’ve known her she’s spent her money on things I can’t understand: multiple concert tickets for the same tour, makeup, etc etc.
I don’t struggle as much. I’m in a well paid job and my dad died unexpectedly when I was younger so I have a small inheritance. I appreciate I’m lucky to sometimes have the money I do have and I have a lovely home and life (although I would give most of it up for a second longer with Dad, but that’s a different point…) However, I budget extremely carefully, I rarely buy anything expensive.
I do, however, think that A has an idea I’m rich, because I have historically been happy to buy a round of drinks etc without any complaints or needing to split, etc.
so, back to the holiday. A couldn’t afford the extra amount so I offered to pay so she could still go. This was last year. July I think. I think she paid back a small amount, maybe £50, in September ish.
Since then. I had a baby in March- she briefly said she knew she owed me some money and I said not to worry about it for now. Nothing since.
Last month I messaged what I thought was a very nice message just saying “sorry, I know it’s a bit awkward, but you still owe me X. Can you figure out if you can pay me back before the end of the year? Let me know if it’s an issue.” Or something along those lines. She didn’t reply, but did transfer the money. So I said thank you. I was quite stunned to not have any message saying “sorry it’s taken so long” or any acknowledgement at all. It all felt quite passive aggressive.
Meanwhile, we’re planning a friend’s birthday party next year- it’s a big one. I’ve paid for the accommodation upfront, as well as for a meal. A has agreed to the price per head at all times. When I paid for the meal last month, a friend asked when I wanted everyone to start paying their shares. I’d paid most of it in August.
I figured out 50% per head and asked if everyone could maybe pay that chunk before Christmas. A piped up that she thought it was “short sighted” (in November) to ask people to pay anything before Christmas. I should add, we’re talking £60. It felt very pointed and directed at me - we still hadn’t (haven’t) spoken since I said thank you for the money. I left it that those who could pay, can, but if it’s not possible then it’s fine to wait.
I’ve since found out that A messaged B back when I asked her for the money and effectively said how awful I was for asking for money when she didn’t have any. Bearing in mind she’d just bought some very expensive earrings which cost over £400.
I’m just so upset that she seems to somehow think I’m the bad guy for asking for my money back. She seems to be going to other friends and trying to get them “on side” and they don’t seem to be biting but equally aren’t standing up for me either.
It seems to be absolutely immaterial to her that I have a young baby, on SMP, and that I also have to pay for Christmas too. And now I have to see her at the party which she still owes me for…!
it sounds dramatic but I’m really quite devastated that a friend would treat me this way.
So, mumsnet, was I unreasonable? Or have I missed something where i may have been unreasonable? Or is she just a CF who hoped I wouldn’t remember what she owes me?