How to respond: you’ll build a rod for your own back

[BigMama32]

My LB isn’t the best sleeper, he’s only 5 months (still teeny tiny in my eyes) and my husband and I pick him up or provide physical comfort every time he cries during sleep. We see comfort as a need too - I understand if that’s not everyone’s parenting choice and every family’s and babies needs are different.

Im struggling with how to respond when I get repeated “oh you’re building a rod for your own back there” comments from family/ in laws as obviously I want to be polite but also want to reply in a manner that firmly stops these comments for good.

Thank you for being respectful, I share your feelings in regard to every parent/family should be making their own choices, and I don’t speak on others parenting as not my place. Little did I know as FTM that everyone has an opinion, particularly when it’s not asked for 🥴

I'd just laugh and say nothing - they can take that in whatever way they please.

HAHA, the gasps would echo for years with the ILs I reckon

I absolutely support you OP. However, my DS ended up sleeping with me until he was 7. Yes, a bit extreme but it was better than being waked every night. I was totally prepared to do whatever my DS needed to feel loved and secure, still do and he's a teen now and the most happy and affectionate child you could wish for. I can't believe people are saying this to you about a baby so young!

@TheCurseOfBoris i know, he’s still reliant on us for literally everything else so why would sleep be any different I wonder?

The conversation with my SIL went;

SIL "youre making a rod for your own back"
Me "I really like my rod. She's cuddly"

This is brilliant !

'Fuck off Susan'

If that's too blunt 'that's ok Susan, we're happy with the way we do things and will carry on for as long as he needs us to'

I wouldn't have picked mine up every single time they cried so I do understand the "making the rod for your own back" thinking but that is my opinion that I would keep to myself. NOBODY has the right to judge or comment on other people's parenting choices when everyone is doing the best thing for them and their baby.

I would probably say something like..."yeah, a few people have said that to me but it's water off a ducks back! I'll keep the rods for the bedroom ;)

5 months is not teeny tiny. Let them self settle.

They’d never mention it again though. 😁

Simply “let them”. You know it’s not a thing all babies can just do? And sleep training isn’t recommended until six months? And some babies are untrainable horrors.

Babies do not have the developmental capability to self settle.

All they are learning is that nobody will come for them when they need them.

"Not if I shove it up your arse first" would be my response.

You don’t discuss it then they can’t judge. Also try not to judge others for doing things differently.

No one actually says fuck off to people in these situations, as much as they might want to. I just shrugged and said I was doing what worked for us and didn’t engage further. It won’t just be sleep with judgmental dickheads, they’ll pick holes in all your decisions. To stop you eventually blowing your top at them - and that can still happen… - find something short but clear you’re happy saying that shuts it down.

Yes, your child may still want to sleep with you at 7 but it’s unlikely. And even it was guaranteed, what’s the option with a 5 month old that barely knows it’s been born? You brought a child into the world, you acknowledge, respect and meet their needs, during the day and at night. It’s basic parenting. You also respect your own needs to know you’re doing your best and no one should be okay hearing a small baby crying unless it’s absolutely necessary eg stuck in the car on the motorway, which is stressful and awful enough.

You’re doing a great job. Lucky baby!

These comments usually come as unwanted comments when discussion isn’t invited.

Such as BLW. You’re there feeding your baby and said person comments. Or baby starts crying and you pick them up straight away. Unwanted comments. Person sees toddler in an ERF seat. Unwanted comments.

I love this! ❤️

My DD is 15m and will still only nap on me if I'm there (she naps fine on the little beds at nursery or in the cot when with other people, and sleeps fine in her cot at night). I love my little rod.

At 5 months I'd always pick her up if she cried at night, I don't now because she has different cries for 'I need comfort' and 'I'm half awake and trying to get back to sleep leave me alone'. So if the latter I leave her. Always go to her for the first though (which is rare now). Your rod won't always be a rod.

When my mum used to say this, I used to answer with “you can’t love too much”.

She stopped.

5 months is teeny tiny, they’re still building attachment and soothing an upset baby is exactly the kind of thing that fosters secure attachment. It’s your back and your rod - I’d smile, nod and ignore.

Recent research suggests that small babies can't form habits, however, if that wasn't true, and they were forming a habit from being held, what would they be learning?

They would be learning that when they cry you respond, i.e. they ask for comfort and they receive it. Is that a bad thing?
In my mind, you are building trust ❤️

Or if I'm not in the mood - 'it works for us!'

It's easier when it's your second baby and your first is running around and being delightful as evidence that the system works 😉

Or - 'if there was only one good way to raise a baby, why are there so many different books? If there was one perfect way, all the other books would stop selling'

Stop telling people he wakes and you pick him up. It's no ones business.
If someone asks how he's sleeping, say he sleeps fine thanks and change the subject or walk away.

‘Fuck odd’ worked for me.

OFF, obviously 🙄