To ask MIL not to post photos of DS on social media?

[MissKriss]

Me and DP weren’t married, but I’ll use the term MIL as it’s easier than ‘partner’s Mum’.

MIL is the type that’s obsessed with social media. Posts several times a day on Facebook and instagram about every aspect of her life. Posts if she’s ill, tired, annoyed, cleaned the house house today, went out somewhere, visited someone. She has lots of fall outs with friends and family if they don’t ‘like’ one of her posts or photos, and the only thing she ever talks about when we visit her is what other family members have posted recently and who has or hasn’t ‘liked’ it.

I’m the complete opposite. I use social media to stay connected to people, but I don’t post on it too often. I don’t post any photos of my DS, as I’ve heard about all the possible dangers and I also have a very violent and obsessive ex who used to stalk me via Facebook for years after we separated, but I the point that I had to make everything completely private and remove all mutual friends.

MIL knows all this, and we’ve asked her several times not to post any photos of DS to social media. For the first year she completely ignored us and I felt too uncomfortable to make a big deal out of it, but when DS was 13 months old I snapped and very firmly but politely asked her to stop it whenever she whipped her phone out to take photos of him. She sulked for months and started sneakily taking photos from waist height so we wouldn’t notice, but obviously we’d see them on her Facebook later that day. On his 2nd birthday she asked if she could buy DS a cake as his present, which I thought was really sweet. On the day MIL brought the cake and said she wanted to video him blowing the candles out so that she could post it for the rest of her family to see. We reminded her that there was to be no photos or videos for social media, we would take plenty ourselves and she was free to see them whenever she wanted. She grabbed the cake and stormed out of the house. DP lost his temper and phoned her angrily, and she came back and dumped the cake on our doorstep.

We haven’t seen her since, DS is now nearly 6. We’ve done everything we can to get her to see him, but she says there’s no point if she can’t post it to SM for her family and friends to see.

I don’t think that I’m unreasonable at all here and tbh I think she’s a little batshit, but DS is starting to ask why he doesn’t have any grandparents and it seems like such a trivial issue to deprive him of that relationship over.

YABU - Give in to MIL and let her post him all over Facebook so that they can have a relationship

YANBU - She’s in the wrong, she should want to see her only DGC even if she can’t post about it on Facebook.

It's not really about social media. It's about the fact that she only wanted to see her dgs if she could post about it. Her 'love' was conditional on it being performative. And she stopped seeing him when she couldn't post! Which is completely horrible. She is actively choosing not to have a relationship with him.

Also, your boundaries are important. They matter. She should respect them.

I would tell your ds that Grandma is unwell. As he gets older, you can explain that she is mentally unwell. A little older, you can start to explain the circumstances. But don't try to facilitate a relationship there.

Have I got this right... shes ignored your child for 4 years because she couldnt post them on social media and youre wondering if you should give in because you cant think how to explain it to your child?
Yes you are being unreasonable, but not over the facebook request. Why on earth would you relent and have your child spend time with someone who can pick him up or leave him when it suits them. Id say he had a lucky escape.

She thinks there is no point seeing him if she cannot post? That says it all really. She has no interest in him as a person. He is only a prop to her. I would not be interested in facilitating my child being a puppet for someone like this. He is better off without her.

She thinks there is no point seeing him if she cannot post? That says it all really. She has no interest in him as a person. He is only a prop to her. I would not be interested in facilitating my child being a puppet for someone like this. He is better off without her.

He’s mentioned a few times that she’d probably be gleeful if he ever died because of how much she could milk it for likes, and it makes me really quite sad that he feels that way.

Ugh, I know a few of these people, your husband is probably right. It's scary and sad how social media has created these attention hungry vampires.

YANBU to keep your children away from being exploited by their grandmother. You haven't caused the breakdown in their (DC/GM) relationship, she has. Actually choosing not to have a relationship with them because it's not bringing the attention she hoped for. Crazy.

So she only wants a grandchild to post about on SM? And has stayed away from him for 6 years? I would keep her away. She doesn’t respect you or your child and won’t accept your boundaries

Where did you get the idea that social media is on its way out? I don't see any indication of that.

Oh god, the amount of people who post photos and videos of their kids on social media, is terrifying, especially when they post them publicly so anyone can see them. It's so dangerous, you don't know who's looking at them. Then there's the fact that folks who do this aren't respecting the privacy of the child. Whenever I see people posting clips of young children having meltdowns, or doing something that's embarrassing for them, I cringe so much. Imagine growing up and being known for the child who might have wet themselves or worse, in public. Why do parents do this? It's horribly invasive and unfair.

I share digital images of mine to family and friends via WhatsApp, email etc and have no problem with grandma's showing pictures to others or taking their own pictures. That is different to putting stuff on Facebook, twitter, etc. Once it's online it's there forever. You don't know what your child's future has in store. Respect their privacy and right to choose.

In this case the mil is using the grandchild to feed her social media addiction. A bit grim really. If the child was old enough to understand do you think they would consent to this? Mil needs support for her addiction. It's just as bad as being an alcoholic if she puts it before her family.

YANBU and your DC is better off with no GP than her by the sounds of it! Also if she can’t even respect the no SM then what else would she not respect and just do as she liked when it came to choices you and your DP had made! Good riddance I say 👋

What a pathetic woman. Don't give in to her, OP.
My FIL is obsessed with Facebook and is upset he can't post pictures of DS on there. Instead he just sends millions of blurry pictures to all his nutter friends and relatives on WhatsApp. I wish he wouldn't do that either tbh.

She sounds awful. Clearly her fake online popularity is more important to her than her own grandson. Disgusting woman. Your son doesn’t need her in his life. When he gets older he will understand. She’s been given her choice, she’s made it. People must deep down think she’s horrible to behave like that.

So how would you feel if you spent a day with a friend who took multiple photos of you doing everything from eating lunch to sleeping in the train on the way home, and then posted them on her Facebook page? Or if they somehow got hold of lots of pictures of you as a child and posted those, with her friends all liking and commenting? If you would be ok with that then you aren't really a private person at all.

The point is that the child is the one who needs to agree to this and they are too young to understand the implications.

Protecting a child's privacy is not controlling. It's basic respect for the individual rather than using them for attention

Don't cave in to her. If she has refused to see DS for the past few years just because she can't post pictures of him on Facebook then she is very shallow indeed.

If she couldn't understand your extremely valid reasons not to post photos of DS on social media then frankly she sounds rather dim and pathetic.

Maybe see if you can find an age appropriate way to explain some this to DS? Is the violent ex his Dad?

He's never going to have a good relationship with a grandparent who only wants him for bragging rights, anyway.

She sounds utterly batshit. I cannot imagine a grandma not wanting to see their grandchild. It's awful.

You've given her the chance to see him. It's all you can do.

Whether or not you agree with posting photos of minors on social media the bigger issues here are:

1. MIL continued to post photos of her grandchild despite being in full knowledge of your violent and obsessive ex who stalked you on social media
2. She isn't interested in seeing her grandchild unless she can post about it on social media

She doesn't have him in her best interests.

Thing is, it’s not just about security and safety, lots of kids are growing up to discover their every movement has been recorded on the internet and they don’t like it, so not showing their face doesn’t solve that potential problem.

^^ This. My DCs are in their 20s now, I think they were 8 or so when they told me they dont like being featured on FB. & Id only put up a birthday pic. I took it straight down. A load of their mates feel the same about FB too.
Too many parents & grandparents constantly putting up pics because the DC's are very young. They're just trying it on before DCs get old enough to say stop it

You, your DH and your child are clearly not a priority for her - I would leave things as they are.

This with bells.

She’s insane. Imagine not wanting to see your grandchild if you can’t get internet likes for it.