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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask MIL not to post photos of DS on social media?

45 replies

MissKriss · 30/11/2022 11:55

Me and DP weren’t married, but I’ll use the term MIL as it’s easier than ‘partner’s Mum’.

MIL is the type that’s obsessed with social media. Posts several times a day on Facebook and instagram about every aspect of her life. Posts if she’s ill, tired, annoyed, cleaned the house house today, went out somewhere, visited someone. She has lots of fall outs with friends and family if they don’t ‘like’ one of her posts or photos, and the only thing she ever talks about when we visit her is what other family members have posted recently and who has or hasn’t ‘liked’ it.

I’m the complete opposite. I use social media to stay connected to people, but I don’t post on it too often. I don’t post any photos of my DS, as I’ve heard about all the possible dangers and I also have a very violent and obsessive ex who used to stalk me via Facebook for years after we separated, but I the point that I had to make everything completely private and remove all mutual friends.

MIL knows all this, and we’ve asked her several times not to post any photos of DS to social media. For the first year she completely ignored us and I felt too uncomfortable to make a big deal out of it, but when DS was 13 months old I snapped and very firmly but politely asked her to stop it whenever she whipped her phone out to take photos of him. She sulked for months and started sneakily taking photos from waist height so we wouldn’t notice, but obviously we’d see them on her Facebook later that day. On his 2nd birthday she asked if she could buy DS a cake as his present, which I thought was really sweet. On the day MIL brought the cake and said she wanted to video him blowing the candles out so that she could post it for the rest of her family to see. We reminded her that there was to be no photos or videos for social media, we would take plenty ourselves and she was free to see them whenever she wanted. She grabbed the cake and stormed out of the house. DP lost his temper and phoned her angrily, and she came back and dumped the cake on our doorstep.

We haven’t seen her since, DS is now nearly 6. We’ve done everything we can to get her to see him, but she says there’s no point if she can’t post it to SM for her family and friends to see.

I don’t think that I’m unreasonable at all here and tbh I think she’s a little batshit, but DS is starting to ask why he doesn’t have any grandparents and it seems like such a trivial issue to deprive him of that relationship over.

YABU - Give in to MIL and let her post him all over Facebook so that they can have a relationship

YANBU - She’s in the wrong, she should want to see her only DGC even if she can’t post about it on Facebook.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 30/11/2022 11:57

Don't let her see him if she's only interested in showing him off. Her priorities are clear.

SuburbanMummy123 · 30/11/2022 11:57

Gosh she’s crazy! What a strange choice for her to make.

theswoot · 30/11/2022 11:58

Stand your ground. You are completely right on this and I wouldn’t tolerate anyone who so persistently broke my rules.

KitchiHuritAngeni · 30/11/2022 12:01

She prefers the likes and social media attention to actually having a relationship with her grandchild.

Shes made her choice. You've made yours.

fUNNYfACE36 · 30/11/2022 12:01

Could you not have let her film from behind sk that his face was not visible.

BadgerLovesMash · 30/11/2022 12:03

She is completely in the wrong. You make choices as a parent, she doesn't have to agree with them but she has to respect them. Don't change this for her, otherwise it will be something else.

I would make it clear you hold no grudges and if she wants to have a relationship with her grandson starting fresh then she can.

theswoot · 30/11/2022 12:04

fUNNYfACE36 · 30/11/2022 12:01

Could you not have let her film from behind sk that his face was not visible.

Thing is, it’s not just about security and safety, lots of kids are growing up to discover their every movement has been recorded on the internet and they don’t like it, so not showing their face doesn’t solve that potential problem.

Edinvillian · 30/11/2022 12:05

She would rather not see her grandson than be able to post photos of him online. No way would I let her anywhere near him (saying this as someone who does post on Facebook).
She's nuts, your poor DH.

musingsinmidlife · 30/11/2022 12:06

I think social media has made this a more contentious issue. Grandparents are proud of their grandkids and like to show them off to friends. That has happened since we’ll forever. Carrying pictures of kids in wallets and purses wasn’t unusual to show others. Printing out pictures and having photo albums to show friends and families and sharing them was common. Now all of that exists online and electronically. People photo albums are online, their friends and family even connect and stay connected online. For some that is their social world. They share with each other online the way people would have shared picture albums in person in days gone by.

There are billions and billions of pictures of kids online (social media, online albums, the cloud, news, YouTube) because most families have adapted to the change in how people share pictures and communicate. It is your choice to never post or text or share a photo of your child but I would say you are rare to have never shared an electronic or digital image of him.

YellowTreeHouse · 30/11/2022 12:07

I do think it’s precious when parents say no photos to SM however with your circumstances of your violent ex it makes sense.

I also think it’s a strange choice for her to make; not seeing her grandchild at all. But it’s her loss.

TinFoilHatty · 30/11/2022 12:11

What a strange hill she chose to die on!

Hold your nerve. Say to DS 'you have a granny, she is a very busy lady, perhaps we shall see her in the Summer' <kicks can down the road> then repeat in Spring 'perhaps we shall see her in the Autumn' etc.

Also if you are calling or texting her, stop. Your husband can do that.

liarliarshortsonfire · 30/11/2022 12:11

I think your mil is batshit, she hasn't seen her gc for years because she's not allowed to post photos on Facebook. Crackers!

Yanbu, your baby, your choice. The no sm rule is fine.

fairgame84 · 30/11/2022 12:12

She's batshit. Social media is more important to her than a relationship with her grandchild. Absolutely batshit.

Suedomin · 30/11/2022 12:20

She can't care about her grandchild much if posting photos is more important to her than seeing him. I don't think your son needs her in his life. He is better off without grandparents than a grandparent who just thinks he is just a like on Facebook

Original poster
MissKriss · 30/11/2022 12:24

Thanks all. I’ve been starting to wonder whether upholding my boundary is worth the loss of the relationship, but I’m not stopping her from seeing him or holding a grudge so iI suppose it really does just come down to her having chosen her priorities.

DP is in full agreement, social media boomed around when he was aged 10 and it really bothered him having every bit of his life documented for all to see, as a PP mentioned. He’s always said that he never felt his Mum saw him as a person, more as material for social media posts. He’s mentioned a few times that she’d probably be gleeful if he ever died because of how much she could milk it for likes, and it makes me really quite sad that he feels that way.

OP posts:
PeekAtYou · 30/11/2022 12:26

If you don't want pics of him on SM then that's fine. He is more recognisable than when he was a baby so even more reasonable now.
Personally I wouldn't give in. Your son would be used to take pics and videos and you wouldn't want him to be forced to say "no more" to his grandmother when his parents found it hard enough to say no.
The fact that she would only see him for the chance to photograph and video him says it all. He is a human being and not an actor or model who you can ask to pose for different scenarios. It sounds like she sees him like a prop or a doll that will make her look better.

PeekAtYou · 30/11/2022 12:29

Plus the longer that your child doesn't know about social media the better. I would be concerned about your child becoming anxious and having low self esteem when your MIL started introducing him to concepts like how many likes and comments a photo gets and him wanting to be on SM so he can monitor these.

WeWereInParis · 30/11/2022 12:32

she says there’s no point if she can’t post it to SM for her family and friends to see.

Even if you didn't mind her posting, I'm not sure I'd want that attitude around. That he's only worth seeing if she can post it - he's not worth her time otherwise.

BarnabyRocks · 30/11/2022 12:37

She sounds like a horror. Some older people have got well obsessed with social's, like its the be all and end all. I don't think they understand the implications of it, especially for babies and young children who don't even get asked do they mind the world and their dog being able to see photos' of them.
You are not stopping her at all from seeing her grandchild. If it ever comes up in conversation with anyone, you can in all good faith say she has refused to have anything to do with them because she wasn't allowed to plaster photo's of them all over her socials, and that is more important to her than actually spending any time with them. I feel sorry for her son too.

Galadali · 30/11/2022 12:42

Sadly my own mother is like this. I'm 52 now but my only memories of her from childhood are her pointing a camera at me. She's exactly the same with my children. She'll sit on the sofa and direct them into poses, and that's the limit of her engagement with them and why we only see her once a year.
She's also addicted to Facebook, and can tell me the life stories of people she's met online, but is so shallow in real life. Fortunately she doesn't share pics of any of us on SM, probably because she wouldn't want any of her FB "friends" to know how old she is 🤣

OutFortheBirds · 30/11/2022 12:53

YANBU. Your child, your rules.
Yes, it’s a personal choice to use social media like a public diary, but not when it involves other kids. You don’t know who has access to these pics and why privacy settings other people use.

Really, she sounds like a stroppy, manipulative nightmare and should be ashamed of her behaviour. Who would walk out of a baby’s party with their cake? Or ignore a grandchild because you can’t post their business for strangers to see. Shows what’s really important her…

Wdib78 · 30/11/2022 12:57

He's not a trophy to be shown off to people on sm, she should want to see HIM, she's batshit, YDNBU

DillyDallyDooo · 30/11/2022 12:57

I do think it's a bit precious when people say things like this about not wanting pics taken. But if you have previous circumstances like that I can understand. If you didn't, and you were just being precious it could sound a bit controlling. Your MIL is pathetic if that's what her world is centered around.

I am a private person and don't post on social media, I only use it to stay connected with old friends etc, but have also never had an issue with friends or family posting if that's what they want to do. But I don't have the same background circumstances as you.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 30/11/2022 13:02

She sounds batshit crazy! Social media is dying out now anyway.

takealettermsjones · 30/11/2022 13:08

I don't allow any pictures of my child on social media, and I don't have a violent ex etc. It's not precious at all. I respect my child's right to autonomy and privacy.

Your MIL sounds absolutely batshit, I agree with PPs on that. Imagine the hit her nice SM image would take if her friends knew she had refused to see her grandchild because it's not worth it if she can't post pictures. How horrible.

I wouldn't tell your son "we might see her in summer" etc because that creates an expectation. I'd just say "all families look different. In our family we have Mummy, Daddy, Grandad, Auntie Sue..." etc.