Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this how people who's loved one is going through cancer behave / or did I do something wrong ?

35 replies

candlestixers · 30/11/2022 08:50

A good friend's mother was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago. I supported my friend a lot during this time. Suddenly friend stopped speaking to me about anything really and I got the hint that she wasn't up for speaking anymore. Eventually I brought it up and she told me that she had absolutely no space for anything at the moment. I told friend that I would be there, any time she needed me. I stayed put, gave space.

I very occasionally sent a message to make sure friend knew I was there. Eventually we saw each other at a couple of parties etc and spoke normally. Slowly after a while our relationship went back to what it was. It took a couple of years and her mother recovered. We were good friends again and my friend thanked me for sticking around, even though she had been unable to be there for me and hadn't been a good friend. ( her words ). I didn't think she'd been a bad friend really. In any case, all was fine.

Her mother then got sick again and this time it was terminal unfortunately. Friend did the same thing again and stopped wanting to talk to me/ see me. Both times though, I did notice that she was still talking to others ( of course she can do what she wants ) but I felt that maybe it was something about me- or how I behaved that caused her to stop wanting to talk to me. Anyway, again, I let her be- and told her I would be there for her if she needed me. Radio silence from friend, unless there was a mutual event we had both been invited to. I would receive a text a few weeks before, saying she hopes I'm well and is thinking of me etc. I would always reply and all would be nice. I would try and make an effort to see if she wanted to reconnect again, perhaps meet my children who'd been born during this period of time etc. she'd say yes of course, but never actually did it or followed up. Basically, friend continued to hold me at arms length massively ever since. She did tell me her mother passed a couple of years ago, which I was very sad to hear and again I reached out occasionally to check up on her.

It's a complicated story with lots of ins and outs and periods where she has communicated - followed by continued periods of not communicating at all.

My question is mainly, can the loss of a parent or parent being sick, cause you to pretty much lose touch with your best friend for 4 or more years ? Or is it there more to it ? Can anyone who's been through this share how it affected their friendships ? I've really tried to be there for this friend at every turn and have always taken her lead on how much she wants to communicate. I know it's not about me, but after 4 years, it does kind of hurt. Especially when I know she is happy to see other mutual friends, but any time we talk and try to arrange something, she always lets me down in the end. My life has changed massively during this time and I've given birth to two kids, she's never met. Never said congratulations or anything like that. We are basically strangers now. But I can't help but feel like I should still be there for her and it makes me a bad friend if I'm not ? Because of course, she's suffered such a terrible loss. But this ' friendship does not make me feel good at all. I occasionally hear from her, it's not a friendship anymore anyway.

OP posts:
Newusernameaug · 30/11/2022 08:54

It sounds like for whatever reason she has gradually phased you out.
I think the loss of her parent is a bit of a red herring and perhaps it just meant she was able to put more of a distance between you, sorry, it’s not nice when you want to be friends with someone but they don’t, despite you previously being friends! It’s something I think most people have gone through, I’d just leave it be and move on x

Shouldbedoing · 30/11/2022 08:56

You sound like a caring friend. Does she have children yet? That can be a great divide in friendships.

Original poster
candlestixers · 30/11/2022 08:57

Newusernameaug · 30/11/2022 08:54

It sounds like for whatever reason she has gradually phased you out.
I think the loss of her parent is a bit of a red herring and perhaps it just meant she was able to put more of a distance between you, sorry, it’s not nice when you want to be friends with someone but they don’t, despite you previously being friends! It’s something I think most people have gone through, I’d just leave it be and move on x

To be honest, that's how I feel. Which is why I just want to let it be and I don't want messages from her anymore either. I feel like, OK, I got the message, you no longer want to be my friend - so I don't really want to communicate at all anymore. So I'll just ignore it when she texts me, like twice a year or whatever it is.

OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 30/11/2022 08:59

I agree with Newuser above.
I've also had comfort by the notion that some friends come into our lives, mean the world to us and fade away.
We have some friends for a reason, some friends for a season.

DillyDallyDooo · 30/11/2022 09:03

I've been through what your friend has, and I probably wasn't good at communicating with people at times or being around people. But that was all people, or no people. It wasn't a singled out person. There seems to be more to why she has gone like that. There was one friend that I must admit I dreaded her coming around or calling me because all the other people would talk about my Dad if I spoke about him, but she would lead the way in telling me how I would/should feel, asking loads of things, upsetting me because I didn't want to talk about it and she thought I should be talking. But I didn't treat her any different to the rest, but I should have. I should have not let her come around and been firmer. We are still great friends now, I just struggle with her at sad times as she doesn't know boundaries.

Winter2020 · 30/11/2022 09:09

I wonder if your friend can't help but feel jealous that your life has moved on so much while hers has been on hold?

Either way I would say remain kind if she contacts you or you see her with mutual friends but don't let it eat away at you anymore.

You care about her but you didn't cause her sadness and you can't solve it either. Just be nice but move on emotionally.

TheChosenTwo · 30/11/2022 09:15

Having been through some traumatic family events over the last few years I’ve definitely found it easier to communicate with colleagues for example than my close friends.
the reason for me being that colleagues and less close friends knew less about me and expected less from me if that makes sense.
my best friends knew me well and I found it much harder talking to them about anything, not just about what had been going on.
I did stay close to my best friends but I had to really psych myself up before seeing or speaking to them, I felt like it took more out of me because I could be myself fully with them and the weight of what I was carrying was shared and talked about which in itself was both cathartic and hard.
I’m just putting the other side of this out there, at times where I’ve been really struggling I have found it easier to speak to and see people that I’m not as close to. Although I did keep up my longstanding friendships, it was harder in a way.
You sound like a really good friend 💐

Kingoftheroad · 30/11/2022 09:15

She’s playing games - cut her loose it’s bringing nothing but grief into your life -

Original poster
candlestixers · 30/11/2022 09:19

TheChosenTwo · 30/11/2022 09:15

Having been through some traumatic family events over the last few years I’ve definitely found it easier to communicate with colleagues for example than my close friends.
the reason for me being that colleagues and less close friends knew less about me and expected less from me if that makes sense.
my best friends knew me well and I found it much harder talking to them about anything, not just about what had been going on.
I did stay close to my best friends but I had to really psych myself up before seeing or speaking to them, I felt like it took more out of me because I could be myself fully with them and the weight of what I was carrying was shared and talked about which in itself was both cathartic and hard.
I’m just putting the other side of this out there, at times where I’ve been really struggling I have found it easier to speak to and see people that I’m not as close to. Although I did keep up my longstanding friendships, it was harder in a way.
You sound like a really good friend 💐

Thanks so much for sharing and I'm really sorry you've also been going through a tough time.

I really appreciate your perspective too. I can see how some of that may have rung true for her, because we really were very close for a very long time. We used to talk about stuff a lot and also in depth. I doubt she does that much with our other mutual friends in the same way.

OP posts:
WorryMcGee · 30/11/2022 09:19

You sound like a really lovely friend OP.

This is not quite the same, but I’ve just done something similar. I was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple of months ago, my baby was 4 months old at the time and I just imploded. I totally shut myself off from my caring, loyal, wonderful friends who I’ve known for years and desperately wanted to support me - didn’t even reply to messages. I did, however, still participate in a WhatsApp group with a different set of friends (from a hobby) and I also managed to meet up with them a couple of times. It didn’t make any sense. Two surgeries and one cycle of chemo in now and I’m feeling clearer and a little more myself so am just starting to reconnect with people. I think, with me, it was that I couldn’t cope with anyone being nice to me. I didn’t want anyone to ask me how I was and actually mean it. I didn’t want to look in anyone’s face and see concern there, I didn’t want to risk bursting into tears and then having to talk about it, I just felt “safer” either on my own or with more superficial friends. This is definitely not healthy AT ALL and I have apologised to the friends I have totally ignored for four months (but I still don’t want to talk to them about it and at least one of them finds that extremely difficult)

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 30/11/2022 09:35

It's not something I recognise. My dad died and my friends are still my friends. Dh's father has cancer and he realises the importance of his friends. If I didn't want to talk/have them sympathise, I just changed the subject.

That said I don't understand the way some people deal with grief either.

Personally I wouldn't give her any more thought. Smile if you see her with mutual friends but don't message and don't chase.

alongtimeagoandfaraway · 30/11/2022 09:38

My friend,A, had terminal cancer. We stayed in touch throughout her treatment.

At one point she withdrew from another friend, B, as she found it too painful to be in contact. The reason was that B had also had cancer but had recovered. A really judged herself for withdrawing but said she could not overcome the jealousy.

This made sense but she was able to keep in contact with me - who had not suffered at all from cancer. Logically it should have been even harder to talk to me but it didn’t work that way.

Her friends understood and loved her.

Ourlittleharmonica · 30/11/2022 09:42

TheChosenTwo · 30/11/2022 09:15

Having been through some traumatic family events over the last few years I’ve definitely found it easier to communicate with colleagues for example than my close friends.
the reason for me being that colleagues and less close friends knew less about me and expected less from me if that makes sense.
my best friends knew me well and I found it much harder talking to them about anything, not just about what had been going on.
I did stay close to my best friends but I had to really psych myself up before seeing or speaking to them, I felt like it took more out of me because I could be myself fully with them and the weight of what I was carrying was shared and talked about which in itself was both cathartic and hard.
I’m just putting the other side of this out there, at times where I’ve been really struggling I have found it easier to speak to and see people that I’m not as close to. Although I did keep up my longstanding friendships, it was harder in a way.
You sound like a really good friend 💐

This is exactly what I was going to say. When things got tough for me I avoided old friends (not to this extent though) because they almost knew too much and I felt like even if they didn't bring it up, it was lingering there. Others I was less close to didn't know anything and I could escape it for a while. It took a while to build relationships back up.

You sound like you've been a very good support and I'm sorry that it hasn't been reciprocated, I think some times these things just come to a natural end.

MistressoftheDarkSide · 30/11/2022 09:45

Hi OP,

Your post struck a chord with me because I could be your friend. That sounds weird - I mean your friends behaviour reminds me of my own.

Brief back story - my Mum passed from cancer at the beginning of lockdown. We were fortunate to be able to move her into our home for the last month so I and my adult son and my DP cared for her till the end. It was a profound and life changing experience. Lockdown meant nobody except my household could be there in any capacity and dealing with all the subsequent practicalities was exhausting when all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and howl.

But eventually life went on and I had to focus on running my business and looking after my family etc. The isolation of lockdown meant friendships were impacted anyway and became intermittent.

This year I lost my DP suddenly- turned out it was undiagnosed cancer ironically enough, and my whole world has come crashing down.

Some friends have been absolute rocks and some have faded away. A considerable number also have alot of serious shit going on in their lives which I try to be supportive about but honestly I’m often at a loss.

I’ve tried socialising and have a public face for running my business but it all feels like a hollow sham.

A PP mentioned jealousy and much as I loathe to admit it that resonates with me. I have a lot of couple friends and my inner child goes into “It’s not fair” mode sometimes.

You sound like a lovely person and I understand your feelings completely - I sometimes beat myself up about my inability to function properly, and fear that some of my friends think my intermittent behaviour is personal. Mostly it’s really not, although as another PP mentioned some friends have behaved in ways that just don’t compute in my head following my DOs death.

I realise that this sounds very much like I’m making it all about me, but honestly profound losses can really fuck with one’s head no matter how resilient or pragmatic or rational one tries to be.

Only you can decide whether you feel it is worth persisting, and I would absolutely respect your decision to phase out because your feelings are absolutely important too.

As another PP said - reasons and seasons - I highly doubt your friends actions are conscious or personal - she may just be overwhelmed and perhaps she feels she is lacking or tainted by her experiences - I have found myself thinking and feeling all sorts of dark, unpleasant and irrational things that make me want to avoid everything because honestly I feel like “bad luck” and don’t want to “infect” others with it. Utterly irrational but still difficult to manage.

We’re not great at managing grief as a culture I feel - the keep calm and carry on attitude we’re encouraged to follow can lead to all sorts of unhealthy suppression of emotions.

I’m not posting for sympathy, and everyone is different and your friend may just have found her life taking a different path.

I don’t think it’s you - I think it’s probably everything and sadly you may be collateral damage.

I wish you well and hope you can make peace with the situation x

Original poster
candlestixers · 30/11/2022 10:06

MistressoftheDarkSide · 30/11/2022 09:45

Hi OP,

Your post struck a chord with me because I could be your friend. That sounds weird - I mean your friends behaviour reminds me of my own.

Brief back story - my Mum passed from cancer at the beginning of lockdown. We were fortunate to be able to move her into our home for the last month so I and my adult son and my DP cared for her till the end. It was a profound and life changing experience. Lockdown meant nobody except my household could be there in any capacity and dealing with all the subsequent practicalities was exhausting when all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and howl.

But eventually life went on and I had to focus on running my business and looking after my family etc. The isolation of lockdown meant friendships were impacted anyway and became intermittent.

This year I lost my DP suddenly- turned out it was undiagnosed cancer ironically enough, and my whole world has come crashing down.

Some friends have been absolute rocks and some have faded away. A considerable number also have alot of serious shit going on in their lives which I try to be supportive about but honestly I’m often at a loss.

I’ve tried socialising and have a public face for running my business but it all feels like a hollow sham.

A PP mentioned jealousy and much as I loathe to admit it that resonates with me. I have a lot of couple friends and my inner child goes into “It’s not fair” mode sometimes.

You sound like a lovely person and I understand your feelings completely - I sometimes beat myself up about my inability to function properly, and fear that some of my friends think my intermittent behaviour is personal. Mostly it’s really not, although as another PP mentioned some friends have behaved in ways that just don’t compute in my head following my DOs death.

I realise that this sounds very much like I’m making it all about me, but honestly profound losses can really fuck with one’s head no matter how resilient or pragmatic or rational one tries to be.

Only you can decide whether you feel it is worth persisting, and I would absolutely respect your decision to phase out because your feelings are absolutely important too.

As another PP said - reasons and seasons - I highly doubt your friends actions are conscious or personal - she may just be overwhelmed and perhaps she feels she is lacking or tainted by her experiences - I have found myself thinking and feeling all sorts of dark, unpleasant and irrational things that make me want to avoid everything because honestly I feel like “bad luck” and don’t want to “infect” others with it. Utterly irrational but still difficult to manage.

We’re not great at managing grief as a culture I feel - the keep calm and carry on attitude we’re encouraged to follow can lead to all sorts of unhealthy suppression of emotions.

I’m not posting for sympathy, and everyone is different and your friend may just have found her life taking a different path.

I don’t think it’s you - I think it’s probably everything and sadly you may be collateral damage.

I wish you well and hope you can make peace with the situation x

I totally get your post and the way you've explained it all, thank you for sharing.

I guess I will never know if I'm collateral damage or if it's something else! Maybe a mix. One thing is for sure, I don't make my friend feel good anymore. If I did, she would still be in contact properly.

Unfortunately, it's gone on for so long now, that I have ended up taking it personally and she also does not make me feel good anymore.

We were best friends, she was maid of honour at my wedding and I've had two kids- she's never met or congratulated me for having. Something is not right there. I've given her so much love and left my door wide open. She keeps shutting her door in my face though and it hurts.

OP posts:
gruffalosbrother · 30/11/2022 10:12

I was a terrible friend during and after my DH's illness and death. I shut people off and only contacted a tiny number of people. I rarely replied to people and I had no interest in discussing how I was feeling with them. It took me a good 2.5 years after his death to really feel that I had the mental capacity to deal with more than a very tiny number of select friendships. I wouldn't even say that I had a particular reason for rejecting some friends, I just couldn't cope with them

SunsetandCupcakes · 30/11/2022 10:12

less close friends knew less about me and expected less from me if that makes sense.

I agree with this, also and please don't see it as your fault (if this is the reason) but you seem really nice and kind, and they were the people i couldn't face, the people who cared the most about me made me feel I had to face up to it somehow. I wanted shallow insignificant conversations.

You have done all you can, it obviously isn't helping you maintaining this friendship.

Original poster
candlestixers · 30/11/2022 10:17

Thanks for sharing your stories everyone. It's given me a lot of food for thought.

I feel conflicted about it all. But I've never turned my friend away, so I guess, I'm here if she wants to reach out, but I no longer reach out to her. Perhaps one day we will be friends again. It just makes me really sad. I always thought we would be friends when we are old ladies.

OP posts:
MRSDoos · 30/11/2022 10:21

I wouldn’t take it personally but I can completely understand why you would feel that way
You sound like a caring friend and it seems like you have done all that you can
Sometimes it can be incredibly hard to see your friends lives move on (congratulations on your 2 babies by the way!) whilst yours feels like it’s on hold
During grief or hard times I have definitely been guilty of gravitating towards some friends and distancing from others
There can be many reasons for this, but I think watching them be happy and their life going well or what I think is “well” has been one of the reasons - jealousy
I’ve had guilt many times for feeling this way but I know it’s a normal emotion

I would tell your friend that you miss her and would love to meet up with her soon, give her some dates that you’re available and then leave the ball in her court
If the friendship has phased out which could be another reason she’s pulled back (naturally gravitated away from you) you’ll know

Original poster
candlestixers · 30/11/2022 10:28

MRSDoos · 30/11/2022 10:21

I wouldn’t take it personally but I can completely understand why you would feel that way
You sound like a caring friend and it seems like you have done all that you can
Sometimes it can be incredibly hard to see your friends lives move on (congratulations on your 2 babies by the way!) whilst yours feels like it’s on hold
During grief or hard times I have definitely been guilty of gravitating towards some friends and distancing from others
There can be many reasons for this, but I think watching them be happy and their life going well or what I think is “well” has been one of the reasons - jealousy
I’ve had guilt many times for feeling this way but I know it’s a normal emotion

I would tell your friend that you miss her and would love to meet up with her soon, give her some dates that you’re available and then leave the ball in her court
If the friendship has phased out which could be another reason she’s pulled back (naturally gravitated away from you) you’ll know

I've done what you suggest a few times. After we've met at events and kind of got back in touch briefly- she even suggested it herself to meet, but never comes through. The ball is completely in her court. I'm doing no more, unless it comes from her.

OP posts:
MRSDoos · 30/11/2022 10:29

@candlestixers I’d say then that it is all you can do. It sounds like the friendship has most likely fizzled out 😞

DuchessDandelion · 30/11/2022 10:59

All the replies you've had so far are completely valid and you're a lovely friend.

Simply put though, for 4 years she's treated you quite badly and while she's had more than enough reasons for pushing close friends away after 4 years I think that - even with the greatest sympathy - they've ceased to become excuses. You deserve more kindness than this and I understand how painful it is.

I think you're right in saying "enough is enough" now.

KitchiHuritAngeni · 30/11/2022 11:08

When my child died I found it so much easier to maintain superficial friendships than close ones.

Close friends also had their own feelings about my situation and I had to be considerate of that. They also knew me well and if I wanted to just put on a front and fake being OK they would have noticed and mentioned it.

It was so much easier to just keep in touch with people who send memes and jokes and talk about the weather than people who required any sort of emotional commitment from me.

I totally get how it feels for you, and I'm sorry you're going through it and feeling confused.

Grief isn't always rational though and it can make some people seem a little selfish, even though its a self preservation thing.

Outnumbered99 · 30/11/2022 11:09

I think you sound lovely OP, and im sorry you are feeling like this.

A friend once used the "reasons and seasons" quote with me, i thought we were very close but i have been essentially ghosted for more than 5 years now, so i guess she was seasonal in the end. Now I'm in my forties i have found myself getting closer again to old school friends, which has been an absolute joy, and i guess they are "reason" friends.

I do agree with previous poster too though, i have some mental health issues going on that are hitting me like a ton of bricks and i am finding it much easier to be around acquaintances than actual friends who i have to answer "how are you" questions honestly because they can see the answer in my eyes anyway.

Lots of love to you OP.

Duplocrocs · 30/11/2022 11:21

My mum died after a shock cancer diagnosis and short illness when I was 21 and how I dealt with it with my partner at the time wasn’t great, they really were the true love of my life but I pretty much completely ghosted them and pushed them away despite them being so caring and compassionate. I don’t know why but it’s almost like a I had no emotional resilience left and I felt so numb.
I tried to make amends a few years later when I had come out the grief fog but they didn’t want to know me anymore - which was totally understandable. I had behaved appallingly - even given leeway for the grief I was suffering.

I know it’s a friend not a partner so different but wanted to share my experience of totally irrational behaviour of pushing away my closest person, I was young though with an alcoholic father so I don’t think that helped.

My life after my mum died did go in a different direction than it probably would have if she were alive. I got married quiet young and quite hastily and had two kids - I guess I wanted to build my own family after sort of losing one so my priorities did shift a lot. Though I still kept up with most of my friends once the fog had passed.

Basically I’m saying it’s likely her and nothing to do with you. You’ve done all you can in the friendship and if she can’t see and appreciate that, that’s on her so know your worth.

Swipe left for the next trending thread